Shark Soup: A Play About Corporate America: Getting Fired. Hired, and Giving it the Finger

By Marty Nemko

Shark Soup

A play about getting fired, hired, and giving the finger to Corporate America

by Marty Nemko

Cast of Characters

Annie Michaels, 45ish, is a product director in the instant soup division of FFS Foods. At work, she looks and acts corporate but there's more to her.

David, 50ish, her husband, an artist who can't handle a straight job. He's had cancer.

Jessica, their daughter, 18, hated high school, except for acting in plays. She represses fear about her future by saying, "I'll figure it out in college." She's social and in an experimenting phase.

Michelle, 40ish, an African-American, is Annie's boss. She is harder-driving than Annie, betting that aggressively playing the Corporate Game is worth the compromises.

Willie, 40ish, Michelle's ex-husband. A coke-snorting dandy. All talk.

James. Vice-President of Dry Soup Product Development for Unibrands is the quintessential corporate executive, his bottom-lineness concealed by a restrained demeanor, except when it comes to the love of his life: his dog, Chainsaw.

(if a dog is available) Chainsaw, a tiny, cutesy dog.

ACT I

SCENE 1

It's the Michaels family's middle-class condo. The living room is notable only for the walls covered with original but clearly bad modern paintings. The sofa could stand replacing.

Half of the dining room table functions as a desk: papers stacked and a laptop computer.

Adjacent to the living room, UL, is a kitchen with an island. The door to Annie's and David's bedroom is UC, Jessica's UR. Outside the front door is a porch.

(DAVID, in the all-black artist's "uniform" vomits into the kitchen sink, groans in pain, removes a tiny teddy bear from his pocket and squeezes it, removes his shirt revealing an ostomy bag, and holds his belly. He hears the door opening, suppresses his groans, returns the teddy bear to his pocket, and ducks behind the island.

JESSICA bops in wearing a graduation cap and gown, holding her iPhone and wearing a hands-free device.

She tosses off the cap and gown to reveal a short skirt and bare-midriff top. Her midriff bears a heart tattoo: "Darnell & Jessica 4 Ever."

She throws herself on the sofa, whips out a joint from her tampon holder, and lights up.)

JESSICA

(into her phone)

Of course, I love you...Darnell means nothing to me...Now don't get pissy...You want me to come over?...Mmmm...No, you can't come here. My stupid parents will be here soon...Sure. How about now?...Do I really have to wait an hour?.. Be ready for me...Bye Emily.

(JESSICA enjoys her joint, getting high, finds a six-pack of 100-calorie-each chocolate bars, stacks all six and is about to chomp when DAVID emits a groan.

JESSICA spits on the joint to extinguish it and hides it in her graduation gown.

JESSICA

Dad? Mom?

DAVID stands up.

DAVID

You shouldn't be smoking.

JESSICA

Look who's talking...Hey, why do you have your shirt off?

DAVID

Just cleaning out the bag.

JESSICA

You do that in the bathroo--

DAVID doubles over in pain. JESSICA rushes to him.

JESSICA

What's wrong?! Should I call Dr. Gold? Take you to the emergency room?

DAVID

It's nothing. I probably just didn't clean it out soon enough.

JESSICA

What do you mean probably? Are you sick again?

DAVID has another paroxysm of pain.

JESSICA

Let's get in the car.

DAVID

I'll be all right.

JESSICA

Daddy!

(They hear the sound of the front door unlocking.)

DAVID

(whispering)

Don't tell her!

JESSICA

If you swear you're going to the doctor today! Swear!

DAVID

(Joking through his pain)

If I can tell mom about Emily.

(DAVID nods.)

ANNIE, in a business suit, strides in and notices the smell of marijuana, but not David's pain, which fades out over the following page.

ANNIE

On your graduation day?!

JESSICA

(giggling)

What?

DAVID

You really shouldn't smoke so much.

ANNIE

This is how you're starting your future?

JESSICA

I'll figure it out in college.

ANNIE

Yeah, Duncan Community College, land of figuring things out.

JESSICA

You're right. I shouldn't go. I can figure things out on the road trip.

ANNIE

You're not going. David, tell her she's not going...David, is anything wrong?

DAVID

I'm fine. Jessica, you're not going.

JESSICA

You just don't want me to be with Darnell.

ANNIE

It has nothing to do with that.

JESSICA

If he were white--

ANNIE

Gimme a break!

JESSICA

Besides, Emily will be there.

ANNIE

Really?

JESSICA

Absolutely.

ANNIE

She'll keep you in line. I like Emily.

JESSICA

So do I. So can I go?

(ANNIE makes a face of reluctant assent.)

JESSICA

I'm going over to Emily's now.

ANNIE

You sure not Darnell's?

JESSICA

I swear.

DAVID

Say hi to Emily for me.

JESSICA

I will.

DAVID

And thank you, Jessica.

JESSICA stares at DAVID while fondling her phone. She hugs ANNIE.

JESSICA

I love it. I'm done!

(JESSICA dons her headphones, presses "play" on her iPhone, and bops out.)

ANNIE

Our little scholar. It's a miracle they let her graduate: caught smoking dope, caught cheating, she did five minutes of homework a night, got A's on crappy term papers she threw together last minute--grade inflation. Instead of punishing her for procrastinating, they rewarded it. The schools are disgusting.

DAVID

(his pain now fully subsided)

This sofa is disgusting, not to mention it has no style.

ANNIE

Get a job and you can buy all the sofas you want.

DAVID

Every time I get a straight job, I puke. I'm an--

ANNIE

Yeah, I know: You're an artist. An artiste. An artiste who hasn't made enough from artisteing to even pay back his student loans.

DAVID

The damn art college kept parading graduates who were making serious money.

ANNIE

Yeah, a parade of three. Somehow, they didn't parade the thousands making minimum wage at art supply stores.

DAVID

I'm going to do more craft fairs this summer.

(DAVID points to a painting on the wall.)

DAVID

(Cont'd)

I'll bet I can get $1,000 for this one.

ANNIE

What's the most you ever got for a painting?

DAVID

That's not fair. I haven't marketed them well.

ANNIE

And now you're going to turn into P.T. Barnum?

DAVID

Stop it!

ANNIE

I won't stop it. You haven't made more than $1,000 a year from your stup--

DAVID

What did you say?

ANNIE

--from your stupid art.

DAVID

You think my art is stupid?!!

ANNIE

I'm sorry, David. Really. I'm feeling a lot of pressure: your MFA loan, my MBA loan, college for our little Einstein, the damn health premium surcharge--

DAVID

Can I help it if I have, had cancer?...I will work on marketing. I've got a copy of Selling Art for Dummies. I'm going to follow it.

ANNIE

That's what you always say.

DAVID

How can I succeed when you always put me down?!

ANNIE

David, what happens if the economy doesn't recover and I lose my job? The lost money! The health insurance!

DAVID

You're not going to lose your job. Stop pressuring me!

ANNIE

I pressure you, you do nothing. I don't pressure you, you do nothing. You're driving me crazy!

DAVID

Then why am I here?

(DAVID storms out onto the porch. He hugs his teddy bear.)

ANNIE comes out. David hides his teddy bear.)

DAVID

Get out of here.

(ANNIE, trying to make up, hugs him sensuously.)

DAVID

I'm sorry I'm not a cash cow.

ANNIE

(punctuating each phrase with a kiss)

You're my best friend, you're a terrible cook, and you have a helluva love machine.

(ANNIE kisses DAVID deeply.)

DAVID

I'm not just a cock...(melting) And you're my best friend, you're the world's best cook, and you have a helluva...corporate image.

(ANNIE tickles DAVID. They giggle and kiss.)

ANNIE

I gotta prepare to pitch Michelle tomorrow on a shark-fin soup. Disgusting stuff.

DAVID

That's my Corporate Annie!

ANNIE

It should only take a few minutes.

DAVID

Whaddya say, after you finish, I show you my helluva love machine?

ANNIE

As long as I can show you my helluva vulva.

DAVID

I'll see you in the bedroom.

(ANNIE and DAVID giggle and kiss. They reenter the condo. David pulls his cell phone from his pocket and strides into his bedroom. Annie sits at her desk.

From her briefcase, Annie retrieves a bright-colored file folder labeled "Shark Fin" and a Campbell-soup-sized can with a label that reads,"SouperFast Shark-Fin Soup." and the photograph above, which can be found at: http://teleburst.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/shark-soup.jpg.

She places the can on the table, squeezes on it while counting to five. She nods, satisfied.

She retrieves a typed page from the file folder, glances at it, then looks away from it.)

ANNIE

(practicing her spiel, hesitatingly)

Shark fin soup is a prized delicacy. No less that the founder of famous restaurant Chez Panisse Alice Waters said that for her last meal, she’d want shark fin soup.

(ANNIE looks at the page then turns away.)

ANNIE

(more confidently)

Shark fin soup is a prized delicacy. No less that the founder of Chez Panisse Alice Waters said that for her last meal, she’d want shark fin soup.

(ANNIE preens in front of the mirror and heads for the bedroom.)

Blackout, lights up, the coffee pot is half-filled with coffee.

ANNIE is bleary-eyed, in a sexy nightgown, and back at preparing for the presentation.)

ANNIE

It's actually cartiplate. No. (She looks down at the typed page and then away.) It's actually cartilaginous platenet. No. (She looks down at the page and then away.) It's actually cartilaginous platelet of shark's fin. That's it.

(ANNIE returns the can and folder to her briefcase, throws a dress on, runs a comb through her hair, throws lipstick on, grabs a cup of coffee and her briefcase, and runs out the door.)

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 2

It's a director-level corporate office, unusual only in being festooned with a garish poster displaying two dozen SouperFast canned soups that are identical except for the soup's name (e.g., chicken noodle, tomato)--for example, www.artfagcity.com/wordpress_core/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/campbells_soup_cans_moma_reduced_80.jpg. The wall also displays two 11x14 photos: one of Michelle, her husband, and two children smiling on the ski slopes, the other with the happy family in front of their new Lexus SUV with a big red ribbon on it.

(MICHELLE, dressed and coiffed in Corporate Perfect, is at her desk talking with WILLIE, her ex-husband, buzzing on cocaine, wearing a stained, not fully tucked-in shirt.)

MICHELLE

No, you cannot come with us! Get yo blow-snortin' butt out of here.

WILLIE

But baby. Please. Let me come. I swear I am through with that shit...I'm gonna look for a job now, I swear. Maybe right here at Souperfast.

MICHELLE

Oh great.

WILLIE

I'm gonna get one. A real good one. Just like the old days.

MICHELLE

Can't you come up with something more original?

WILLIE

I want to be there for my kids. I do. I swear. I know I was wrong. Real wrong. I don't want to be one of those bad daddies. You don't want your kids to grow up without their daddy. You know they say kids who grow up with a single parent--

MICHELLE

Don't you play the children card again with me, Willie Robinson. You have screwed-up the kids from here to Kinshasa and I'm not letting you get within a mile of them. You get your coked-up butt outta here.

MICHELLE looks up a phone number, puts on a phone headset, and calls a ten-digit number.

MICHELLE

(speaking with a white middle-American accent)

Hello, Congo Air. I need three tickets--

WILLIE

Four? Please?

MICHELLE

(covering the phone's microphone)

Get out of here! Now! How dare you try to see me again, let alone here!, let alone messed up, as usual.

Twitching, WILLIE buzzes out the door.

MICHELLE

(into the phone)

I need three round-trip tickets from San Francisco to Kinshasa 13 July returning 27 July...All with my frequent flyer miles. How many will that cost me?...Two million?...Isn't there a way it could cost me less?...Great. That'll still leave me a million.

(There's a knock on the door.)

MICHELLE

(calling out)

I'm betting it's my Annie. Come in. (into the phone) Anything else you need?...Great. Thanks.

(MICHELLE hangs up the phone. ANNIE opens the door, tired, nervous.)

ANNIE

Right you are, as usual.

MICHELLE

You look a little tired. You weren't up all night preparing for this?

ANNIE

Uh, not at all. The coffee hasn't kicked in yet, that's all.

MICHELLE

Please sit--My office is your office.

ANNIE

(smiling)

I wish it were. I mean, I wish my workspace were this nice.

MICHELLE

You'll get out of the cube farm.

ANNIE

Really?

MICHELLE

Uh, we just have to wait for a time it won't ruffle too many feathers...How'd the graduation go?

ANNIE

She celebrated in her usual way: with a joint. Then she said she was going over to her friend Emily's house but I think she went over for some hanky and lots of panky at Darnell's.

MICHELLE

I didn't know her boyfriend was African-American.

ANNIE

Why should it matter?

MICHELLE

Right.

ANNIE

How's your family?

MICHELLE

Fine. Just fine...We're planning a family trip to Africa. You know, kind of a back-to the-roots thing.

ANNIE

Great!

MICHELLE

We are travel junkies. So fun experiencing different cultures. Well, ready to go?

ANNIE

Sure.

(ANNIE pulls the soup can and a plastic bag from her briefcase and places both on the desk.)

ANNIE

(holding up the can)

Of course, this is just a mockup but it gives you the idea.

MICHELLE

Nice photo--Talk about exciting the customer--quite biting!

ANNIE

(groan) Of course, the real label will have a shot of the product, prepped by the food stylists, and photoshopped.

MICHELLE

Just be sure to run it by Legal--I don't need another false-advertising suit. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's hear the pitch.

ANNIE

Okay. Shark fin soup is a prized delicacy. No less that the founder of famous restaurant Chez Panisse chef Alice Waters said that for her last meal, she’d want shark fin soup. And Marketing found that the average person spends a lot per bowl. That makes it a perfect opportunity for SouperFast.

MICHELLE

Yeah but we too will have to pay a lot for shark fin. The damn enviros are making it more expensive every day.

ANNIE

No problem. Supply chain found a source in Vietnam that sells cartilaginous platelet of shark fin for just $900 a ton. That's just eight cents a can and Market Research says we can get four bucks per.

MICHELLE

What is cartila--?

ANNIE

Cartilaginous platelet of shark fin. It's unclear whether that's actually shark fin or shark lip but Legal says it's close enough that the FTC won't bother us. And if some foodie sues us, our lawyers will bomb him with enough demands for information that our exposure should be minimal.

MICHELLE

Don't the enviros have a thing about using shark fin at all? We'd be using tons of it.

(ANNIE pulls out her file folder.)

ANNIE

Why don't we just leave out the word "fin" and call it Shark Soup?

MICHELLE

Shark soup? We'd sell about two cans.

ANNIE

You're right. And you're right about the enviros hating shark fin harvesting. There's this website: stopsharkfinning.net.(reading:) "If you're concerned about the plight of sharks"--

MICHELLE

The plight of sharks?!

ANNIE

(Cont'd)

--If you're concerned about the plight of sharks, which are more vulnerable than ever--

MICHELLE

Poor sharky-poos.

ANNIE

...click here to donate, click here to find the nearest protest."

MICHELLE

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If we green-light the soup...

(Annie takes notes on her laptop computer.)

MICHELLE

(Cont'd)

--we make a donation to stopsharkfinning.net. We ask for their input. (with feigned caring:) "We want to be as humane as possible to the sharks." (back to normal voice.) If their harvesting method costs us more than, say, another penny a can, we ignore 'em. If they bitch, we tell them, in the nicest way possible, (feigned caring voice:) "We tried like hell to use your method but it just wasn't feasible." (back to normal voice:) They'll probably go on to harass someone who wasn't so nice to them...Let's taste this puppy.

ANNIE

Can I give you a little more info first?

MICHELLE

I've got another meeting in ten minutes.

ANNIE

I'll make it fast. Because our profit per unit will be about $2.00 net!, we can afford to add a self-heating mechanism to each unit, as a pilot test. If it works, we can expand it to the entire SouperFast line. It's cheap--just six cents a unit.

MICHELLE

How's it going to work, Sterno?

ANNIE

Same technology as those heat wraps for aching muscles. You just squeeze the can for five seconds.

MICHELLE

That'll make the soup hot?

ANNIE

Just lukewarm but R&D says that by adding certain chemicals to the soup along with hot pepper, the customer will perceive it as hot.

MICHELLE

(writing a note to herself)

Email an attaboy and attagirl to R&D....What about meat and vegetables?

ANNIE

R&D says freeze-dried meat will work and marketing says our target demo doesn't give a shit about vegetables.

MICHELLE

This thing sounds like quite the taste sensation. Let me try it.

ANNIE

Don't expect haute cuisine.

(From her desk, MICHELLE pulls an elegant sterling silver soup spoon and a beautiful bone china soup bowl emblazoned with the SouperFast logo.

ANNIE squeezes the soup can while counting to five. She pulls off its pop top and, as a frou-frou waiter might, artfully pours the soup into the bowl.

Michelle tastes it. She tries to hide her dislike for it, not altogether successfully.)

MICHELLE

Uh, good first draft. Annie, I appreciate what you've put together here. I'll get back to you on this. Oh and give my congratulations to...Oh I'm sorry: What's your daughter's name again?

ANNIE

Jessica.

MICHELLE

Oh of course. Jessica.

ANNIE

Thank you, Michelle.

MICHELLE

You're most welcome.

(ANNIE gathers the can, puts it in the plastic bag she had in her briefcase, and strides out. Just outside the door, she stares at the can, fires it against the wall, and cries.)

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 3

It's Michelle's office.

(There's a knock at the door. MICHELLE opens the door to find ANNIE.)

MICHELLE

Thank you for coming in.

ANNIE

Why so formal all of a sudden?

MICHELLE

Annie, this is the most diffi---

ANNIE

You're firing me?!

MICHELLE

...If you like, instead of firing you, we can lay you off so you can collect unemploy--

ANNIE

You're firing me!

MICHELLE

Believe me, I--

ANNIE

You've given me good evaluations! Is this because you hated the fucking soup?

MICHELLE

Did you really think anyone would eat that shit?

ANNIE

They eat Lipton's, Twinkies. They eat Spam, for God's sake!

MICHELLE

SouperFast doesn't benchmark downward.

ANNIE

I hated the soup too. It took on a life of its own: Supply Chain, R&D, Marketing, Accounting, Market Research, Legal--they all did all that work. I didn't feel I could nix it without presenting it to you.

MICHELLE

Yes you could. That's why you are a director.

ANNIE

Were.

MICHELLE

Right.

ANNIE

You're firing me because you didn't like one prototype soup?

MICHELLE

...No.

ANNIE

What?

MICHELLE

A couple of your coworkers complain you're always dancing out of here at 3 or 4 to drive your kid somewhere or to work on your kid's plays.

ANNIE

That's only like once a week for six weeks, maybe twice a year! They need a costumer, help building sets. I love doing that. I put in plenty of overtime. Like I did stay up all night on that fucking presentation! Men. They have no sense of balance, family.

MICHELLE

It was two guys and a woman.

ANNIE

You're supposed to be my friend and you're firing me because of a can of soup and because, after working 40, 45 hours a week, I want to be a decent mother?

MICHELLE

You want it straight? The numbers for your products have been just average and you're expensive because you've been with the company a long time.

ANNIE

Sounds like age discrimination, Michelle.

MICHELLE

Stop it.

ANNIE

No, really. Next, you're going to say you're dumping me so you can add some color.

MICHELLE

Stop it!!

ANNIE

That's awfully defensive. Dost thou protest too much, Michelle, Ms. Back-to-Africa?!

MICHELLE

Ms. Michaels, you need to report to HR. I will let them know you will receive the standard severance package: two weeks salary plus two months health care coverage--if you sign the agreement not to sue for wrongful termination. And I will fire you, not lay you off. That's better for you anyway. If you got unemployment, you'd probably sit on your ass for 79 weeks.

ANNIE

Fuck you...Something else is going on. As soon as I mentioned the color thing---

MICHELLE

Nothing is going on.

ANNIE

You're lying.

MICHELLE

...Fine. The color thing is not the reason...But, as your friend, I'll say it because you pushed me to: The Diversity Committee has pointed out that whites have been underrepresented in layoffs and--

ANNIE

I am going to sue your ass!

(ANNIE storms out. MICHELLE cries.)

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 4

It's Michelle's office.

MICHELLE is at her desk. WILLIE, perfectly dressed, in a suit, sits across from her.

MICHELLE

I don't believe you.

WILLIE

Here it is.

WILLIE hands her a letter.

MICHELLE

FFS letterhead? (reading:) Dear Mr. Robinson, We are pleased to offer you the position of warehouse foreman. Your previous experience and your enthusiasm were persuasive. It also didn't hurt that you were married to one of our respected employees.

MICHELLE

I don't believe this.

WILLIE

Baby, I told you I was turning it around.

MICHELLE

My reputation is going to stand and fall on you?! I'm calling HR right now and have them make you take a drug test.

WILLIE

You can call 'em all you like. I haven't done a line in two weeks. I swear, baby, I am through with snow. It has melted right out of my life. Please baby, this is my last chance. My next stop is the shelter. I done all kind of bad but a man's gotta have hope. I'm not asking to move back in or nothin'. You don't want me to be homeless, now do you?

MICHELLE

Good luck, Willie. I'm prayin' for you...and me.

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 5

We're back in the Michaels' condo.

(On the kitchen island, ANNIE, drunk, with an almost empty bottle of cheap champagne beside her, finishes rolling out cookie dough. Using the cookie cutters from a set such as this (http://cp32.heritagewebdesign.com/~swshapes/cart/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=34_97&products_id=161&zenid=68088cef95eec8392648f81f8dcb3373), she cuts out a diploma cookie and hangs it on the wall with a push pin.

She cuts out a mortarboard cookie and hangs it. She cuts out the number 2 and hangs it.

Through the scene, the cookies slowly elongate. (Note: experiment with the amount of water or butter in the dough to ensure the cookies look quite distorted after one minute.)

JESSICA bops in.)

JESSICA

Hey, Emily keeps asking if I'm going on the road trip. (Jessica notices the cookies.) What the hell?

ANNIE

(drunk)

It's your graduation. Shouldn't we celebrate?

(ANNIE cuts and hangs a "0" next to the "2.")

JESSICA

What are you doing?

ANNIE

Graduation only comes once in a lifetime...especially for you.

JESSICA

Stop it. I'm going to community college.

(ANNIE cuts and hangs a "1" next to the "0). She cuts and hangs a "0 next to the "1" to make "2010.")

JESSICA

What's wrong?

ANNIE

Nothing. I like to bake.

JESSICA

You hate to bake.

ANNIE

People change.

(DAVID plods in.)

DAVID

What the hell?

JESSICA

She's taken up baking.

DAVID

Cool. Graduation cookies a la Modigliani.

(ANNIE breaks down.)

ANNIE

I'm never going to work again!

DAVID

You quit?

ANNIE

They fired me. Michelle fired me.

DAVID and JESSICA

(overlapping)

No! You're kidding? It can't be!, etc.

ANNIE

I'm going to sue SouperFast's sorry ass. I'll get millions--I'll never have to work again.

DAVID

Stop it. Those lawsuits never work. They cost a fortune, they're exhausting, and in the end, their lawyers will torture you, drag it out until you're broke and you give up.

ANNIE

People win millions all the time.

DAVID

Yeah and 1,000 times as many wish to God they didn't sue. Are you sure it was discrimination?

ANNIE

...I dunno.

DAVID

You've got to snap out of it, Annie! If you need to, go back to the therapist.

ANNIE

Fuck the therapist. I've seen three--all "therapist's therapists." And all I got was an excuse--"It's your parents' fault,"--but my life's no better. Mainly they just say nice things to you so you keep writing checks to Dr. Freudenstein.

DAVID

We can't afford you to be out of work. We've got no money, and the health care--

ANNIE

They give us two months, then COBRA.

DAVID

Two months?!! Please, I never know when I'll have a reoccurrence.

ANNIE

You're not going to have a reoccurrence. Why is it always about you?!

DAVID

I can't take this any more. You don't care a bit about me.

ANNIE

I lose my job: my income--our savings are thinner than this sofa cushion--Give me your credit card, Jessica! We're just paying the monthly minimums, a fortune in interest. Interest on the interest!

JESSICA

No!

DAVID

(giving Jessica a knowing glance)

Just for now.

(JESSICA gives the credit card to her.)

ANNIE

I've lost my routine, my place to go every day, my friends at work--Michelle's quite the friend--No more "Hey, let's get a drink after work?" No "Tell me who's flirting with whom." They're all gonna go on just fine without me. And there I am, home, with nothing to do except be the maid. A big part of me has just died and all you can think about is you?

DAVID

I'm sorry.

(DAVID hugs ANNIE, and in his arms, she sobs. Unseen by Annie, JESSICA consoles DAVID.)

JESSICA

Maybe this is a good time to follow your dreams.

ANNIE

What dreams?

JESSICA

Maybe that's the problem.

ANNIE

We have a mortgage to pay, a big health insurance premium, you in college. Dreams don't pay. Jobs pay.

JESSICA

Look at Oprah. Bill Gates. Madonna. See, I know people from your generation.

ANNIE

You see me as the next Oprah? The next Bill Gates? The next Madonna?

ANNIE grabs her middle-aged belly. DAVID crosses his arms across his belly.

JESSICA

But what's your dream?

ANNIE

Yeah I'd like to work for a nonprofit but they pay you zippo, at most, McWages, because they expect you to give it all for The Cause. Do what you love and you'll starve.

DAVID

That's why the words starving and artist always go together.

JESSICA

Not everyone in nonprofits starve.

ANNIE

Do you want to risk losing our condo, not having health insurance, not being able to afford to send you to college.

JESSICA

Fine with me.

ANNIE

...You're right. I need to look for a job. I'll look for soup jobs and nonprofit jobs. But what if it takes months? A lot of people today take a year, or more?!

DAVID

I'll help you.

ANNIE

You're going to help me for a year?! You can't job-hunt for two minutes!

DAVID

It's different when I'm doing it for someone else. For you.

ANNIE

I haven't looked for a job in 15 years. I'm afraid I'm not marketable. I fooled myself into thinking I'd have my job forever so I haven't really kept up, my network sucks, I don't even have a resume. What am I going to tell my friends? My parents? Before, I could say, "I'm a director at SouperFast." Now what do I say: "I left to be a consultant?' That reeks, "She's lying. She's unemployed!" I'm fucking unemployed! Damaged goods?!!

DAVID

I heard someone who got fired say, "I decided to go portfolio." That sounds cool.

ANNIE

I don't even have one career. I'm supposed to make up four?

DAVID

Why not?... How about, "I'm between jobs."

ANNIE

I'm not "between jobs?" Between jobs means you'll get another one. (screaming) Damn. Damn! Damn!!

JESSICA

Hey, watch that. I'm this family's designated screamer.

DAVID

And I'm going to be your designated taskmaster, your loving taskmaster.

(DAVID hugs ANNIE. JESSICA joins in. Jessica plods out the front door and onto the porch. She pushes buttons on her iPhone.)

JESSICA

Emily, you're not going to believe this. My mother was just fired!...She says it may be because she's white. That's total bullshit--easier to blame it on that. Hasn't she ever heard of White Privilege?...She's gone nuts. (imitating Annie:) "I'll never work again. I'll sue their sorry asses"...(back to her normal voice:) She took my damn credit card!...Yes that is the worst thing. Except maybe that we may have to sell the condo. Oh and there's the health insurance thing, my father, you know? (whispering) cancer. It may have come back...Can I come over? I could really use a hug...I'll be there in five minutes. Love ya, soooh much.

DAVID opens to the door to the porch.

JESSICA

(whispering)

Gotta go.

JESSICA hangs up.

JESSICA

(to David)

So, did you see Dr. Gold?

DAVID

How's Emily?

JESSICA

Stop it. Did you go?

DAVID

With a girl, Jessica?

JESSICA

Stop it! Did you go, Daddy?!

DAVID

It's fine. He said it's probably nothing.

JESSICA

Probably?

DAVID

He thought it might be worth doing exploratory surgery.

JESSICA

Exploratory surgery?! They couldn't just look through the hole?

DAVID

That's how they'd do it but it would still require general anesthesia, so I said no.

JESSICA

No one dies of anesthesia. They die of cancer that spread. Daddy, you gotta do it.

DAVID

Over 100,000 people die every year because of medical errors. Plus zillions more get sicker.

JESSICA

You have to do it. (She breaks down.) I don't want to lose my daddy.

DAVID hugs her.

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 6

DAVID, ANNIE, and JESSICA sit around the dining table/desk.

DAVID

Good. Resume's done.

(DAVID and JESSICA kiss and hug ANNIE.)

DAVID

(Cont'd)

Now just the cover letter.

ANNIE

Just.

DAVID

Stop it. Read the job announcement.

ANNIE

I've read it ten times.

DAVID

Read it again--the cover letter has to prove you're the perfect fit for the job.

(ANNIE takes the job announcement. JESSICA grabs it.)

JESSICA

I'll read it.(hesitantly. She's a poor reader:)

"The ..." What's that say?

ANNIE

Phalanx.

JESSICA

What does that mean?

ANNIE

I told you you should have studied more--

JESSICA

Gimme a break.

ANNIE

It's a line of warriors with big spears.

JESSICA

I like my warriors with big spears.

ANNIE

Stop it. Go on reading.

JESSICA

"The Phalanx Sanitary Supply Company--

DAVID

Why does a bathroom supply company name itself after warriors with big spears?

JESSICA

Maybe it's just men's bathrooms.

DAVID

Sure it says Phalanx Sanitary, not Phallus Sanitary?

ANNIE grabs the job announcement.

ANNIE

(reading)

Phalanx, a sanitary supply company seeks a product manager to cover Modesto to Fresno."

DAVID

Are you sure you want to apply for this?

ANNIE

Yes, I'm sure. (Her words say yes; her face says no.)

ANNIE

(reading what she types into the computer)

I'm delighted to have seen your job listing #4365A on Monster.com for a product manager. While I have no direct experience--

DAVID

You never want to say anything negative.

ANNIE

(reading what she types into the computer)

My experience at FFS Foods makes me uniquely qualified--

DAVID

That's better.

JESSICA

Don't make me puke.

ANNIE

That's the game. You gotta play it.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I believe in exceeding customer expectations, being a team player, delighting the--

JESSICA

This cannot be how you get a job.

ANNIE

Okay, maybe that was a bit much.

JESSICA

How about telling the truth?

DAVID

Ah, youthful idealism.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

Okay, I'll tell them the truth: I was an average employee, I'm getting old, and I'm white. To make matters worse, I proposed a canned soup that tastes like your sanitary products.

JESSICA

Not that honest.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I have consistently received strong evaluations but the company has decided to move in a different direction.

DAVID

Now that sounds like total bullshit.

ANNIE

It is total bullshit. That's the game.

DAVID

No. The game is bullshit that doesn't sound like bullshit.

JESSICA

Phalanx is in the shit business.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

While I've had a consistent record of success at FFS Foods, my current boss and I have a bit of a personality conflict.

DAVID

Maybe they'll accept that.

ANNIE

I have a longstanding interest in sanitary products--

(JESSICA makes the sound of a quiz show "wrong answer" buzzer.)

JESSICA

Now that's honest. The pope should nominate you for sainthood. Saint Pinocchio.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I believe my organizational skills, work ethic, and ability to get along with diverse coworkers--

JESSICA

You just said you had a conflict with your boss.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

Nearly all of my diverse coworkers like me... Liked me.

(ANNIE slams her fist against the table.)

DAVID

You'll get another job.

JESSICA

They'll be lucky to have you.

ANNIE

All of a sudden, I'm Mom of the Year. It's like when someone dies, they suddenly become--

(DAVID'S face drops.)

ANNIE

I'm sorry. You're not dying. The doctor says there's no detectable cancer--

DAVID

Detectable. Today.

ANNIE

You're gonna live forever... All right, let me get this piece of shit done.(reading what she types:) My resume is attached.

JESSICA

"My resume is attached?" Do you have to use that pissy language? No one ever uses the passive voice.

DAVID

See? She did learn something in high school.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I attach my resume...

DAVID

I can just see the employer thinking, "Oh how wonderful. You used the active voice--You're hired!"

ANNIE

You have no idea how shallowly decisions are made in Corporate America.

JESSICA

In school too. With women teachers, the more you kiss up, the higher your grade. With men teachers, the shorter your skirt--

DAVID

So that's why you wear them.

JESSICA

One reason.

ANNIE

Darnell.

JESSICA

...Emily.

ANNIE

Yeah, right. (finally getting it.) Are you a lesbian?

JESSICA.

(chickening out)

I was just joking.

ANNIE

Oh. I just thought maybe...I mean I didn't want to sound homophobic...and I mean you do talk so glowingly, giggly, about her.

JESSICA

Gimme a break.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely.

JESSICA

Great, mom.

DAVID

You're done. Yay. You should be proud of yourself.

ANNIE

Should I click "send?"

JESSICA

Do the dirty deed.

ANNIE

You sure it's good?

DAVID

Google-quality applicants don't apply to clean Fresno's toilets.

ANNIE

Thanks a lot.

(ANNIE clicks "send.")

DAVID

Should we pop one?

JESSICA

Great idea.

ANNIE

Sparkling cider for you.

JESSICA

Of course.

(JESSICA bops to the refrigerator, opens a bottle of Trader Joe's champagne and takes a slug.)

JESSICA

(holding out the bottle to Annie and David)

Who's next?

(Blackout. Lights up.)

Annie's exhausted.

ANNIE

(looking at her laptop screen)

72 applications, 78 phone calls. And what do I get? One interview request, one rejection, 12 thanks but no thanks, and 136 fucking no-responses. I've pitched myself 150 times!

DAVID

Well, you can view it as your glass 149/150th empty or 1/150th full.

ANNIE

I didn't even get a response from that toilet supply company!

JESSICA

Bathroom supply.

DAVID

Hey, would you get in gear? They'll be skyping you in a second. And it'll be a helluva lot better working for them than for a shithouse supply company.

JESSICA

Hey, I've never been in a men's bathroom. What are urinal supplies?

DAVID

At the base of the urinal, there's this plastic thing with a bullseye on it.

JESSICA

See? Would you rather sell pissing targets or save the whales?

ANNIE

You're right.

(ANNIE gets in lotus position, extends her arms outward, and takes deep breaths.)

JESSICA

You're not applying to a Buddhist monastery.

DAVID

You better not be.

ANNIE

I'm trying to calm down. I may never get another interview.

JESSICA

You'll do fine, mom.

ANNIE

(saying a mantra)

Please let me not suck. Please let me not suck. Please let me--

(The sound of an incoming SkypeVideo call is heard from her computer.)

ANNIE

Okay, show time.

(ANNIE positions herself in front of the laptop's camera.)

ANNIE

(to David and Jessica)

Out of the picture--They can see you!

JESSICA and DAVID scurry out of the frame.

(ANNIE clicks a key on her computer.)

ANNIE

(talking to the computer speaker and looking at the screen)

Good morning. I mean good afternoon.

DAVID

(whispering)

Fuck!

ANNIE waves him down.

BRENT (v.o.)

Hi, I'm Brent Kowalski, I'll be your interviewer today.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

He sounds like the waiter at Red Lobster: "Hi, I'm Brent and I'll be your server today. The specials are deep-friend halibut drizzled with an meyer-lemon-infused vinaigrette--

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Shh!

ANNIE

A pleasure to meet you.

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Does Skype count as "meeting?"

BRENT

A pleasure to meet you too. Are you ready?

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

What? Is she going to say: "No, I gotta change my tampon?"

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Shh!

BRENT

Well, tell me a little about yourself.

ANNIE

Well, I was born in Chicago.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

This is going to take until the whales molt.

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Shut up!

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

This is very funny!

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

It won't be so funny if she doesn't get a job.

ANNIE

My father was a businessperson and my mother was--

BRENT

Maybe you could tell us why we should hire you?

ANNIE

Well, I've been a good employee--I've been at FFS Foods for 15 years, including two promotions--

BRENT

Have you ever worked for a nonprofit?

ANNIE

Oh, well, yes.

BRENT

What was your salary?

ANNIE

...It was volunteer work.

BRENT

I see. An environmental nonprofit?

ANNIE

The ASPCA.

BRENT

What did you do for them?

ANNIE

Oh, a little of everything.

BRENT

(joking)

Not clean the cages?!

ANNIE

Only when I had to fill in.

BRENT

I see...Well, I'm glad you were willing to do what it takes. When did you last work there?

ANNIE

It's been a while. I can't quite remember.

DAVID

(whispering to Annie)

Make up a date.

ANNIE

2005...or 6, I think...I've gotten very interested in fish rights.

BRENT

Whales are mammals.

ANNIE

Of course, but they're related. Kind of. Right? Anyway, in my work at FFS Foods, I developed an interest in protecting um sea life.

BRENT

Really.

ANNIE

You see, FFS Foods was thinking of introducing a shark fin soup but I did some research and found that the sharks were killed inhumanely.

BRENT

It's true. There should be a ban on harvesting sharks.

ANNIE

I totally agree.

DAVID

(whispering to JESSICA)

She was just pitching FFS foods to buy tons of shark fins.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

Be Kind to Sharks Week? This is what they're bonding about?

BRENT

Let's get back to your current job. Oh, I mean your most recent job. (Annie shrinks.) If you're as good as your cover letter and letter of reference say, how come they let you go?

ANNIE

Uh, the company just decided it, uh, wanted to go in a different direction.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

Back to the "different direction" shit?! It sounds like it came straight from a book on interviewing.

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

It did.

BRENT

I see. Your LinkedIn profile contains a reference from two of your coworkers but not from your boss. Why is that, Ms. Michaels?

ANNIE

Oh. Um, my boss and I had a bit of a personality conflict.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

From the book?

DAVID nods.

BRENT

Oh yes--that's what you wrote on your cover letter. Well, Ms. Michaels, I think that's all we need. We'll be in touch.

ANNIE

Is there any reason you'd hesitate to hire me?

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

From the book?

DAVID nods.

BRENT

We'll be interviewing other candidates and we'll get back to you. Thanks so much for your interest in SaveTheWhales.com.

(Blackout, lights up. ANNIE, DAVID, and JESSICA are around the computer again. Annie stares at the screen.)

ANNIE

(reading what's on the screen)

Junk, junk, online bill, junk. Oh, here's one's from your alma mater wanting money.

DAVID

Junk.

ANNIE

Still no response from that sonofabitch savethewhales.com. I knew I wouldn't get the job but they don't have the decency to, after all that time applying, all that stress of the interview--

DAVID

And I'm sure their website says some crap about how people are their top priority.

ANNIE

(scrolling down the screen)

I'm sick and tired of--Oh my God! Unibrands. Unibrands! FFS Foods' major competitor!! A better company! A Fortune 75 company!! It's huge! Huge!! (She reads): "Dear Ms. Michaels, we are in receipt of your application for our position #4363B as director of new product development in our powdered-soup division. Your interview day will be on July 12 at 9 AM at our regional office in Montgomery, Alabama. Your day will consist of your making a ten-minute presentation of a new product idea for a powdered soup, an interview with me, and a simulation with another candidate. Please call my assistant, Sissy Brown regarding travel arrangements. We look forward to meeting you. Sincerely, James M. Underwood, Vice President, Powdered Soup Product Development, Unibrands, Inc.

DAVID

Alabama? We're going to have to live in Alabama?!

ANNIE

You were willing to move to Fresno. We don't, I mean I don't have the job yet.

JESSICA

In Alabama, aren't they mainly racist rednecks?

ANNIE

The South has changed a lot, I'm sure.

JESSICA

Yeah, they changed their white sheets for fresh ones.

ANNIE

It's just an interview. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Aren't you excited for me? Finally! I am going to get this job. I'm a perfect fit--it's just like what I've been doing for 15 years, and for FFS Foods' main competitor! They'll love that they stole me away... I guess they didn't exactly steal me away if I'm unemployed. Anyway, I really think I'm a lock. Who knows? Lots of people like living in the South. We've got to prepare for this interview. Can I count on your help?

DAVID

(half-heartedely)

Sure.

JESSICA

(quarter-heartedly)

Sure, mom.

ANNIE

I want to do a presentation on a line of locally produced, healthy soups.

JESSICA

You said they want you in charge of powdered soups.

ANNIE

That will be my presentation. How you can mass-produce a powdered soup that really is healthy, delicious, and affordable--and environmentally responsible.

DAVID

Now you're talking!

(Blackout. Lights up. They're bleary-eyed, exhausted.)

ANNIE

Thank you both--so much. I'm very excited about this. I do think the presentation will be good.

DAVID

It'll be fantastic!

JESSICA

Mom, you're awesome!

ANNIE

Mom is exhausted.

(ANNIE looks at the clock: 3:30 AM)

ANNIE

Bed!!!

(ANNIE, DAVID, and JESSICA hug and go to their bedrooms. Blackout. Lights up. The clock reads 9 AM. They're around the table. DAVID's head is buried in Interviewing for Morons.)

DAVID

It says that if you have the body language right, you're halfway home.

JESSICA

Corporations hire people because of their posture?!

ANNIE

And they fire people for less.

JESSICA

What's the right body language?

DAVID

(reading)

"Knock on the door firmly. When invited in, stride confidently, and wear a genuine, not phony smile.

JESSICA

The whole thing is phony.

DAVID

(reading)

Then thrust your hand out and shake confidently. Wait until you're asked to sit. Then lean slightly forward, and smile pleasantly.

(ANNIE smiles too broadly.)

JESSICA

It said pleasant, not psychotic.

DAVID

I took this course once in neurolinguistic programming. They said that to get someone to like you, all you have to do is mirror them: sit the way they do, speak the way they do.

ANNIE

What if it's a group interview?

DAVID

Uh, I guess you could mirror the person who asked you the question. Why don't we try it now. Okay. Jessica, you ask a question.

JESSICA

Do they have model questions in that book?

DAVID

Does swiss cheese have holes?

(DAVID hands JESSICA the book.)

JESSICA

Okay. (reading:) Tell me a little about yourself.

ANNIE

No I won't start with "I was born in Chicago," okay? Ever since I saw my mother trying to be supermom: work full time, be a good mother, cook for us, I became sensitized to the need for foods that would be quick and easy to prepare. So I was delighted to work for FFS Foods and was pleased to receive two promotions during my tenure there. I'm even more delighted at the prospect of applying my FFS Foods experience to the challenges of extending Unibrand's preeminence in the dry-soup space.

JESSICA

Holy shit!

DAVID

Is this my wife?

ANNIE

I speak fluent Corporate.

(JESSICA consults the book again.)

JESSICA

What's your greatest weakness?

(JESSICA splays herself across the sofa. ANNIE splays herself across the sofa.)

ANNIE

I'm too formal.

JESSICA

Be serious.

ANNIE.

Okay. I tend to work too hard. I need to learn to set limits.

JESSICA

That's the answer in the book!

ANNIE

That's the problem. I've asked that question to applicants and they all say that exact same thing.

JESSICA

I cannot believe this is how they hire in Corporate America.

ANNIE

How's this? I take my work seriously and when a supervisee makes a mistake, I can sometimes be a little impatient. I'm working on it though.

DAVID

That's the one they told me to say when I was interviewing for a job.

ANNIE

When have you interviewed for a job?

DAVID

When I was applying for a job at the art supply store.

JESSICA

Try it one more time. Is there anything you can say that's even marginally honest?

DAVID

"Marginally." I told you she learned a lot in high school.

ANNIE

Okay, third time's the charm: I've been getting ever more opportunities to forecast budgets. Each time, I'm getting feedback that's making me better and better.

JESSICA

That's not a weakness.

ANNIE

That's the idea. It sorta sounds like a weakness but it isn't really one.

DAVID

I think it'll work.

(JESSICA consults the book again.)

JESSICA

Okay. Remember the mirroring thing. (talking very fast:) Why do you have this long gap in your resume?

ANNIE

(talking very fast)

I can't think that fast. (talking normally:)I have no idea how to answer that.

DAVID

They might ask that. What would you say?

ANNIE

I took ten years off to raise Jessica?

DAVID

Oh that'll put you on top of the heap.

ANNIE

What am I supposed to say: I took time off to build the Burj Dubai?

JESSICA

What the hell is that?

DAVID

Gee and I was just saying you learned something in high school. It's the world's tallest building.

JESSICA

Who gives a shit.

ANNIE

What should I say?

DAVID

Say the volunteer stuff you did.

ANNIE

Back to cleaning shit at the ASPCA?

DAVID

No. Like you ran a fundraiser at Jessica's school.

ANNIE

Right. I ran a bake sale. Fine, I'll say, "Spearheaded a cost-effective revenue generation initiative for a publicly funded entity, yielding a 100% increase in revenues over the previous fiscal year."

DAVID

That's good.

ANNIE

Yeah, 100% more than nothing. It was their first bake sale.

DAVID

So what. It sounded very good.

JESSICA

Very Corporate America...Hey, I have a tip. In acting class, they told us if you want to seem genuine, don't speak until you've really taken in what the other person said. Sometimes that'll be before they even finish their sentence. Other times it could be ten seconds.

ANNIE

If I'm sitting there for ten seconds, won't they think I'm dumb?

JESSICA

I don't know. I'm just telling you what the teacher said.

DAVID

You do have to have a better answer for "If you're so good, why did they let you go?" than "The company decided on a different direction."

ANNIE

What's the book say?

(JESSICA flips through the book and finds what he's looking for.)

JESSICA

Got it. (reading from the book:) "If at all possible, choose from one of the following: My spouse was transferred--"

ANNIE

You've never been hired. How could you be transferred?

JESSICA

(reading)

"Your company sent all your office's jobs to India."

ANNIE

One phone call and they'll know that's bullshit.

JESSICA

As different from all the other bullshit. (reading)

"You were tired of the long commute."

ANNIE

Yeah, five minutes was really getting to me. Why don't I just say what every politician says when he leaves. (imitating a politician: "I'm leaving to spend more time with my family" or "I'm leaving to seek new opportunities."

JESSICA

They expect bullshit from politicians.

ANNIE

They don't expect bullshit from job seekers?

DAVID

It's different. If they're gonna hire you, they have to believe your bullshit.

ANNIE

Okay, how's this: I did well at the company for my entire 15 years. Got two promotions. Good evaluations. Then all of a sudden, I pitched a soup they didn't like and next thing I know, I'm yesterday's soup.

DAVID & JESSICA

(overlapping)

Perfect! That's great!

ANNIE

Mmm, mmm good.

SCENE 7

It's Michelle's office.

WILLIE, high again, sits opposite MICHELLE at her desk.

MICHELLE

I knew it.

WILLIE

The stupid lazy-ass warehousemen. They came in late, sat around playin' the fool.

MICHELLE

And you were the pillar of diligence, which is why they fired you and kept them.

WILLIE

It was a race thing. You know--they always gonna blame the Bla--

MICHELLE

William Robinson, those were the last words you will ever say to me. Get yo coke-freak hynie out of here. Now. And I ever see you again, I will call the police and tell them about your dealing.

WILLIE twitches toward the door.

MICHELLE

(Cont'd., muttering)

Just like I was afraid of. And on top of everything else. My God. I'd be smart to look for another job. This position at Unibrands just came across my desk. I was going to throw it out, but now...

WILLIE plods out.

MICHELLE types into her computer.

[END OF ACT]

ACT II

SCENE 1

James' office is two notches nicer than Michelle's. It's unremarkable except for a three-foot x two-foot box sitting next to his desk, over which is draped a well-ventilated yet not see-through, understated but expensive fabric. Also, on the wall is a large photo of James hugging his cute but unkempt little dog.

JAMES sits stiffly in his executive chair at his imposing desk. Two chairs sit opposite the desk.)

SISSY

(v.o. with a strong Southern accent, heard through his intercom)

Mr. Underwood, Ann Michaels is here.

JAMES

Please send her in, Sissy.

(Just as she rehearsed, ANNIE strides in, thrusts her hand out, and vigorously shakes JAMES' hand.)

JAMES

Won't you sit down, Ms. Michaels?

ANNIE

Thank you.

(ANNIE sits. As rehearsed, she makes good eye contact, leans forward, wearing a pleasant smile.)

JAMES

Well, nice of you to fly in.

ANNIE

No trouble at all.

JAMES

Good. How was your flight?

ANNIE

Well, it was delayed a few hours, but it's no big deal...(Pointing to the photo on the wall:) What an adorable dog!

JAMES

That's Chainsaw.

ANNIE

He's so, well, informal looking and you're...so put-together. Did you rescue him from the pound?

JAMES

I got him from a top breeder but...well...Okay, I'll tell you: I know you'll think I'm crazy but I like the way Chainsaw smells...so I don't give him a bath very often.

ANNIE

You give Chainsaw a bath yourself?

JAMES

My wife would rather I took him to the groomer but--well, I've come this far, I might as well go all the way--I like to get in the shower with Chainsaw...(Pulling himself back from the "excess" emotion:) Well, that's more than you want to know.

ANNIE

No, that's wonderful!

JAMES

(back to his Corporate self.)

TMI. Okay. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?

ANNIE

Ever since I saw my mother trying to be supermom: work full time, be a good mother, cook for us, I became sensitized to the need for foods that would be quick and easy to prepare. So I was delighted to work for FFS Foods and was pleased to receive two promotions during my tenure there. I'm even more excited at the prospect of applying my FFS experience to the challenges of extending Unibrand's preeminence in the dry-soup space.

JAMES

Oh, before I forget. Good news: I'm not going to make you do a presentation.

ANNIE

Oh, but I was looking forward to the opportu--

JAMES

I understand but the Diversity Committee reviewed our hiring procedure and they decided that candidates presentations are too non-standard from each other and thus subject to observer bias. The Committee reminded us that the safest approach is to ask the exact same questions of each interviewee. I do hope you understand.

ANNIE

I understand.

JAMES

Oh, while we're discussing surprises, I suspect you'll be surprised to know--and I think you'll find this a good surprise--that the other applicant who will be your partner in the brainstorming simulation will be none other than your boss, Michelle Robinson.

ANNIE

(choking)

Really. I didn't know she was applying...I guess an oppportunity at Unibrands is just too tempting--

JAMES

With FFS Foods our major competitor in the dry-soup space, we wanted to interview all FFS Foods' relevant talent. And since you've both worked together and your cover letter said how well you got along with your coworkers, I figured you'd both enjoy being paired together for the simulation.

ANNIE

Uh, yes, thank you... May I have a glass of water?

JAMES

Certainly.

(JAMES pushes a button on the intercom. There's no response.)

JAMES

Sissy must have gone to the bathroom. I'll get the water.

(JAMES walks out.

ANNIE paces, gesticulating wildly, hyperventilating.)

ANNIE

I can't fucking believe it. I killed myself to prepare that presentation!... And Michelle is my "simulation partner?" Michelle?! Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!!

(JAMES returns and hands her a bottle of Perrier. Would you care for a glass?)

ANNIE

That's all right.

ANNIE drinks from the bottle and gags--the water went down the wrong way.

JAMES

Are you sure you wouldn't like a glass, Ms. Michaels?

ANNIE

I'm fine. Really. It just went down the wrong way.

JAMES

Those things do happen. Well, ready for the next question?

ANNIE

Certainly.

JAMES

What's your greatest weakness?

ANNIE

Well, um, I tend to work too hard. I need to learn to set limits.

JAMES takes a note.

JAMES

Where have I heard that before?

ANNIE

It's the truth!

JAMES

I didn't say it wasn't.

JAMES takes a note.

JAMES

(Cont'd)

Well, why did Ms. Robinson fire you? I understand you weren't laid off. FFS Foods' human resource policy doesn't allow them to explain why, so I figured I'd ask you directly.

ANNIE

I don't know. I really don't know.

JAMES

Well, what's your best guess?

ANNIE

The company decided to go in a different direction.

JAMES takes a note.

JAMES

Can you be more specific?

ANNIE

I'm really not sure...If I can be really honest, I think part of it is that they wanted more diversity.

JAMES

I see... Well, I think that's all I need.

JAMES pushes a button on the intercom.

JAMES

Oh good, you're back, Sissy. Is Michelle Robinson here yet?... Good, send her in.

(MICHELLE strides in like the best CEO in the world. She thrusts her hand out. As JAMES shakes it...)

MICHELLE

Hi, Annie. Good to see you. And good to see you again, Mr. Underwood.

JAMES

You can call me James.

MICHELLE

Thank you, James.

JAMES

Won't you sit down?

MICHELLE

Thank you.

(MICHELLE sits next to Annie.)

JAMES

Why don't one of you--Michelle--Why don't you sit in my chair so the two of you can look at each other more easily.

(MICHELLE surreptitiously flashes a grin at Annie and enjoys settling herself into James' chair. JAMES takes Michelle's seat.)

JAMES

Okay. We want you to briefly brainstorm on this question: "We've just signed Celine Dion to endorse our new line of 30-second soups. How would you market it?"

ANNIE

Is this hypothetical or have you made a deal with Cel-

MICHELLE

Since we at FFS Foods haven't heard about it yet, I assume, at this point, it would be proprietary information. And I assume that would also be true about the line of 30-second soups. Is that right, James?

JAMES

That's true. Okay, whenever you're ready, feel free to begin.

MICHELLE

Well Annie, given the substantial investment Unibrands has made to license the Dion name, to maintain cash flow in that unit, we'll need to identify vehicles that will generate six-figure orders in a short sales cycle. Doesn't that make sense, Annie?

ANNIE

But, Michelle, we don't want to be guilty of emphasizing short-term profit at the expense of long-term growth, and--

MICHELLE

It's not a zero-sum game, Annie. The correct marketing plan will optimize the sales curve at its inflection point so it can generate the acceptable quarterly ROI at the same time as it embeds the precursors to a long-term investment that will exceed shareholder and analyst expectations over at least the intermediate term. Doesn't that make sense, Annie?

ANNIE

Yes, Michelle.

MICHELLE

Let's talk channel. What thoughts do you have, Annie?

ANNIE

Well, Celine Dion fans watch a lot of MTV and--

MICHELLE

TV has become totally cost-ineffective. We get much better cpm with a social media strategy integrating LinkedIn, FaceBook, Twitter, and YouTube. Viral video is an absolute must. Don't you agree, Annie?

JAMES

Great. Thank you.

MICHELLE

I'm sorry if I was a little strong. I'm just so enthusiastic about Unibrands--

(JAMES rises.)

JAMES

It was fine. Thank you Michelle and thank you Annie for coming in from so far away.

(JAMES thrusts his hand out equidistant from Michelle and Annie. MICHELLE quickly reaches out to shake his hand.)

MICHELLE

It's been a pleasure meeting you Mr. Underwood, I mean James. I'm more enthusiastic than ever about working for Unibrands. Is there anything that makes you hesitant to hire me?

ANNIE

Or me?

JAMES.

We'll be in touch.

(ANNIE holds her hand out. JAMES shakes it.)

JAMES

Thank you for coming in. Have a nice flight, both of you.

ANNIE

Thank you, sir.

MICHELLE

Thank you, James.

NOTE: If a small cute dog is available, including the following section. Otherwise, it can be omitted.

CHAINSAW barks.

ANNIE

Chainsaw?

JAMES removes the drape and Chainsaw from the cushy-mattress- equipped dog cage, filled with doggie toys.

JAMES

(cradling Chainsaw like a baby)

It's against company policy but...

ANNIE comes up to Chainsaw and fondles him.

MICHELLE rolls her eyes.

ANNIE

Can I hold him?

JAMES

Be very careful.

ANNIE cradles Chainsaw and gently rubs his belly.

JAMES

You're great with him!

ANNIE

Maybe I should be your pet sitter.

JAMES

I wouldn't leave him with a sitter. He comes everywhere with me. He has almost as many frequent flyer miles as I do.

MICHELLE

Not as many as I do.

JAMES

Okay...Anyway, thank you both again for coming. And Annie, thank you for being so sweet with Chainey.

(As ANNIE and MICHELLE stride out with corporate confidence, Annie, careful that James doesn't see, sticks her tongue out at Michelle.

JAMES presses a button on the intercom.)

JAMES

Sissy, is the next candidate ready?

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 2

(It's Michelle's office. MICHELLE sits at her desk, eating a large bowl of soup. ANNIE sits opposite.)

ANNIE

Okay, enough small talk. Did you get the job?

MICHELLE

No. I guess that means you didn't either.

ANNIE nods.

ANNIE

I know I'm not Black and I'm not 25 but--

MICHELLE

You came here to beg for your job back?

ANNIE

I guess.

MICHELLE

I can't.

ANNIE

Am I really such a sucky employee?

MICHELLE

No.

ANNIE

Then please. I'm scared. You're supposed to be my friend.

MICHELLE

Please don't try to trade on that. That's not fair.

ANNIE

Is it fair what you did to me in that collaborative brainstorm? "Isn't that right, Annie?" "Doesn't that make sense, Annie?"

MICHELLE

Maybe that was an example of why I had to let you go. You're just not aggressive enough.

ANNIE

What?!

MICHELLE

We're competing with Asian companies whose managers make $20,000 a year, their workers make $1 a day--and they don't threaten to sue for non-existent discrimination.

ANNIE

That's not fair!!

MICHELLE

Now that's some of the aggressiveness you need to show in your next job. I'm sure you'll find one, even if my recommendation isn't the strongest.

(ANNIE dumps the bowl of soup all over Michelle.)

ANNIE

Aggressive enough?

MICHELLE

(icy)

You are going to pay for this.

(ANNIE strides out.

MICHELLE cleans herself off, stares for a long time, then picks up the phone.)

MICHELLE

Would you get me the sales numbers for last quarter, Jamal?

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 3

(Back at the Michaels' condo, DAVID paces, looking up at the clock. It reads 2:50 PM. JESSICA looks on.)

DAVID

Ten more minutes.

JESSICA

I can't stand it. Call now.

DAVID

He said the results won't be ready until 3:00.

JESSICA

Call. The worst they can say is, "Call back."

DAVID calls.

DAVID

(into the phone)

Hello, this is David Michaels. I'm calling for the results---Yes, I'll hold. Thank you...

He paces.

DAVID

Oh my God. Thank you. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!

DAVID hugs JESSICA

DAVID

(Cont'd)

Everything's fine. No sign of cancer. It was just the clogged bag.

ANNIE bursts in drunk.

ANNIE

(laughing)

I threw soup all over Michelle!

DAVID

That's my next painting!: I'll call it Souped-Up Michelle (pointing to a prominent spot on the wall) It'll go right there!

JESSICA

Mom, you're souper! You get it? S-o-u-p--

ANNIE

Like I said: "Our little Einstein."

DAVID

Michelle went from soup to nuts!

ANNIE

(holding her sides, which hurt from laughing)

Stop!, Stop!, I'm gonna pee in my pants!!

DAVID

No problem. You're wearing a skirt!

ANNIE

Please, please! I beg of you!!

(They all take deep breaths to calm down, after which ANNIE devolves into tears.)

ANNIE

Michelle is going to sue me, FFS Foods' fucking phalanx, yes phalanx of lawyers are going to aim their big dicks right at me!!

DAVID

What? They're going to sue you for assault with a salty weapon?

ANNIE

Michelle is going to blackball me. It's a small community; everyone knows everyone. "Oh, why did Annie leave? (imitating Michelle): Well, she had a psychotic break that culminated in her throwing a bowl of hot soup in my face." Now I really never will work again. If I want a job, I'll have to move to China!

(ANNIE gets more upset. DAVID and JESSICA hug her.)

DAVID & JESSICA

It'll be okay. Really. You'll get a job, etc.

ANNIE

Now what? We've only got six months rent in savings. And after the two months of health coverage, we have to start paying for COBRA--a thousand a month. And after 18 months, if I don't get a job with benefits, we get discontinued and we'll never get health care coverage again--Pre-existing fucking condition.

(DAVID bangs his fist on the table.)

DAVID

You're not going to be unemployed for a year...You're right though: I need to take some pressure off you. I'm going to look for a straight job. My father always said, "The only constants are death and taxes, and people will do more to avoid taxes. So he taught me bookkeeping "just in case."

ANNIE

You know bookkeeping?

DAVID

I didn't want to tell you. You'd make me get a job as one.

JESSICA

I'll get a job too.

ANNIE

That's very sweet but high school graduates have a tough time getting even $10 an hour.

JESSICA

I'll figure something out. Otherwise I'll never get my credit card back.

(ANNIE smiles, then breaks down completely. DAVID hugs her and plods into their bedroom.

The phone rings. ANNIE plods to answer it.)

ANNIE

Hello...Yes it is...Stop it, David, I know it's you. Those assholes from SavetheWhales didn't even have the decency to send me a rejection let--...What?...Oh my God. I am so sorry...You didn't send the rejection letter because you were still deliberating?...You're kidding. Oh, I mean, thank you. Oh, I'm so happy...Okay, I will take a day to think about it and I'll get right back to you...Oh, might I ask what the salary will be?...(her voice sinks) I see. Yes, well do let me think about it...Good-bye.

DAVID

The salary wasn't quite what you expected?

ANNIE

David, I was making $114,000 a year. They want to pay me $2,400 a month.

JESSICA

That's just $28,000 a year!

DAVID

I told you she learned something in high school...

ANNIE

Damn them: Give all for the cause. For the honor of trying to save a few fish.

JESSICA

Mammals.

DAVID

They want you to earn less than if you were selling filet-o-fish.

ANNIE

But they offer benefits.

DAVID

How permanent is the job?

ANNIE

I'd be on probation the first six months, and you know, even after that, they can fire you whenever.

DAVID

You'll do fine.

ANNIE

If I take it, I'll have a big learning curve: Shit, I don't even know that a whale's a mammal. And I've never worked at a nonprofit--

JESSICA

You cleaned shit at the ASPCA.

ANNIE

Shut up. For $28,000 a year, I'll be working my ass off and at night, I'll be too tired to look for something better. Besides, I couldn't leave there before a year or two or I'd look like a job-hopper... I can't take the job. I can't.

(They're all crestfallen. After an extended silence:)

JESSICA

I've got it!

ANNIE & DAVID

What?

JESSICA

I can't tell you yet!

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 4

It's the condo.

(JESSICA is practicing belly dancing. ANNIE enters through the front door.)

ANNIE

Jessica! What are you doing?! Why aren't you in school?!

JESSICA

It was a Minimum Day?

(Yawning, DAVID, plods from his bedroom into the living room. He sees Jessica.)

DAVID

What you are doing?!

JESSICA

I got a job as a belly dancer!

ANNIE

A belly dancer?!

JESSICA

I'll be making $1,000 a night!

DAVID

Belly dancers don't make $1,000 a night.

ANNIE

(to David)

How do you know?...(to Jessica:) Belly dancers don't make $1,000 a night.

JESSICA

Yes they do.

ANNIE

Jessica, what else will you have to do to earn $1,000 a night?

JESSICA

More dancing.

ANNIE

What kind of more dancing?

JESSICA

Pole dancing.

DAVID

You know, like the maypole dance.

ANNIE

Jessica, you don't even get $1,000 for pole dancing.

DAVID

How do you know?

ANNIE

Jessica, are you going to be a prostitute?

JESSICA

Of course not!!

DAVID

Then what?!

JESSICA

Nothing.

DAVID & ANNIE

Tell us the truth!!

JESSICA

I just have to take my clothes off.

ANNIE

You're going to be a stripper?!! Absolutely not. You go get your clothes on right now, young lady!

JESSICA

No! We're going to lose the condo. We'll have no money for health insurance. I don't want daddy to die!

(ANNIE strides out the front door and returns wheeling in an unpainted pushcart.)

ANNIE

No one is going to die. This family is going into business together. I am going to be the president and CEO of No-Poop Soup: super-healthy, locally-sourced, delicious, all natural minestrone, chicken noodle, and clam chowder. I'll be in charge of making the soups. And Jessica, you will not be our designated stripper. You will be vice-president of sales--You'll be serving the soup to the customers.

JESSICA

If I don't have to go to college.

ANNIE

We'll see how it goes.

ANNIE

And you, David, will be my vice president of marketing communication--You'll paint the cart and design the logo, and do the bookkeeping.

DAVID

Cool...How can you make decent money from a soup cart?

ANNIE

Even the highest quality soups are mainly water and low-cost vegetables. I've cost them very carefully: It will cost us 40 cents a bowl, including the bowl, spoon and napkin plus 10 cents wholesale for some delicious sourdough--and we can charge $4.00. That's $3.50 profit per bowl! Sell just 40 a day and you net $35,000 a year, easy.

DAVID

That's not much more than you turned down at SavetheWhales.

ANNIE

That's just for one cart. Once we get the system down, we just clone it: $35,000 profit for one cart, $70,000 for 2. $140,000 for 4--

JESSICA

$260,000 for 8?

ANNIE

$280. What was that about her learning a lot in high school?

JESSICA

All I know is, we'll be rich!

ANNIE

It not as easy as that. We have to find great locations that the city will allow us to use, get great people to staff each cart and treat 'em well so they're less likely to steal us blind. There will be issues but they're solvable.

DAVID

What will you say at cocktail parties when they ask what you do for a living: "I'm a pushcart vendor?"

ANNIE

No. "I'm president and CEO of a chain of specialty restaurants with branches throughout the Bay Area."...And you, Jessica will be able to keep your clothes on.

JESSICA

(to Annie)

Do you always like to keep your clothes on, mom?... I'll do it only on one other condition.

ANNIE

What's that?

JESSICA

That you'll let me go on the road trip...with Emily.

ANNIE

I see.

JESSICA

I'm just experimenting, okay?

ANNIE

Do I have a choice?

(JESSICA hugs ANNIE. Annie returns the hug.)

JESSICA

Daddy?

DAVID hugs JESSICA.

DAVID

There is one problem. Seriously. How will we get health insurance?

ANNIE

We will.

DAVID

And if we don't?

ANNIE

Fee for service. If something is costly, we'll negotiate with the doctors and hospitals.

(ANNIE and DAVID stare at each other, then hug. JESSICA joins in.)

The doorbell rings. ANNIE answers it. It's MICHELLE, despondent. DAVID and JESSICA approach the door.

ANNIE

Michelle?!

MICHELLE

No, I'm not here to serve you papers.

ANNIE

I'd rip 'em up in your face.

MICHELLE

(breaking down)

They fired me.

ANNIE

What?

MICHELLE

They cut 1/3 of the directors. A consulting firm said we were top-heavy and the money could be better spent setting up an R&D center in China.

ANNIE

Jesus!

MICHELLE

They made me fire you and three other managers. I cut everyone's budget by 20%. Those smiling vipers said, "If you can slash costs, there'll be a great future for you here at FFS." I slashed costs and they dumped me.

ANNIE

At least you have your husband's income.

DAVID

Shut up.

ANNIE

I didn't mean it that way.

MICHELLE

No I don't.

ANNIE

What do you mean?

MICHELLE

He was fired three years ago.

ANNIE

No!...Fired, not laid off?

MICHELLE

I am sorry about that...He has, well, a problem.

ANNIE

What kind of problem?

JESSICA

Sounds like a drug problem.

MICHELLE

Very perceptive. Not only has he contributed zero income these last four years, he's blown our entire savings up his nose.

ANNIE

Is that why these last few years, you've been so, well, driving?

ANNIE

Those Aspen pictures with your family?! The Lexus?!

MICHELLE

Corporate America doesn't like a loser.

DAVID

They don't even like imperfection.

MICHELLE

Let alone a coke freak. The idiot bought the Lexus on credit and the Repo Man took it away before the new-car smell was even gone.

ANNIE

At least you have your home.

MICHELLE

Foreclosed a year ago. The kids and I are living in an apartment, smaller than this.

ANNIE

What about Willie?

MICHELLE

We divorced a year ago--the coke turned my loving Willie into a wife beater.

ANNIE

So that's what those bruises were. Skiing accident! Tripped down the stairs! How come you didn't tell me any of this?

MICHELLE

My father worked in corporate America 40 years--He said, never give 'em ammunition. Besides, I was embarrassed. I worked so hard to keep up my image.

ANNIE

Come in, Michelle. I'm sorry I poured the soup on you.

MICHELLE

If my friend fired me, even if I were a bad employee, which you were not, I'd have broken the bowl over her head...After all I did for that company. I killed myself! Climb the ladder--it's the American way!

DAVID

See why I never wanted a straight job?

MICHELLE

Hi, David. Hi, Jessica. Congratulations on graduating. I'm so sorry I spoiled it by having to let your mom go...What's the cart?

JESSICA

Should we tell Michelle about No-Poop Soup?

MICHELLE

No-Poop Soup? What's that? An antidote to FFS's shark soup?...By the way, they've green-lighted it--they just loved the profit margin. My final contribution to FFS.

ANNIE

The cart's just something David's going to paint.

JESSICA

Mom, could I see you a second?

ANNIE

Okay.

JESSICA leads ANNIE onto the porch.

JESSICA

Let's get her while she's down. We can get her cheap. She's a shark: She could be an awesome buyer, a salary negotiator, and she'd be like totally indebted to you.

ANNIE

I don't want a shark working for me.

JESSICA

That's the point! She'd be working for you! You don't like her? You can do what she did to you--fire her ass!

ANNIE giggles.

JESSICA

Good. It'll be fun to watch you boss her around!

JESSICA pulls a reluctant ANNIE back in.

ANNIE

Jessica, I don't think so.

JESSICA

You promised.

ANNIE

What!...

JESSICA

You did!

DAVID

What did you promise?

ANNIE

Michelle, I have become president and CEO of a chain of specialty restaurants with branches throughout the Bay Area.

MICHELLE

Really? For what company? Who hired you?

ANNIE

I hired me. Actually, No-Poop Soup is the name of a cart business where David, Jessica, and I will sell healthy soups. We'll start with one cart and then keep cloning it until we're making as much as we need.

JESSICA

I'm vice-president of operations and I'd like to offer you the job of chief negotiator.

ANNIE

Stop!

MICHELLE

You know, there is a job at No-Poop-Soup I'd just love but it's not chief negotiator.

DAVID

The CES position is taken.

MICHELLE

CES?

DAVID

Chief Executive Shark.

MICHELLE

I deserve that. You know the position at No-Poop-Soup I'd love?

JESSICA

What?

MICHELLE

Soup server.

ANNIE

What?

MICHELLE

I'm tired. I'm tired of being a professional asshole. If I serve good, healthy soup, I'm selling something I'm proud of, and I'm pleasing every customer. I could smile, chat a little with them, and never feel like a shark.

ANNIE

It pays $10 an hour plus profit sharing. We do well. You do well.

JESSICA

(joking, but loving her new "corporate" role)

We'll train you, put you on a sales quota, and yell at you if you don't make your number. I'm a tough vice president of operations.

MICHELLE

I can't work for $10 an hour. And how much profit sharing can there be with four people splitting the profits of one cart?

ANNIE

The first cart is just proof-of-concept. Once we've gotten that to be profitable, we can clone it indefinitely. We could have 1,000 carts.

ANNIE

Michelle, whaddya say? At least temporarily until you can find something better?

MICHELLE

I have an idea. Why don't I pitch the concept to senior management at FFS?

ANNIE

They just fired you.

MICHELLE

You don't understand how upper management works. They only care about what shows on the balance sheet. This could be an off-balance sheet investment. That keeps the stock analysts happy, which makes the stock price go up, which makes executives' stock options worth more. And if the first cart or two is profitable, then they have a sure thing and then they put it on their balance sheet, they'll put their marketing muscle behind it, and we'll all be rich.

ANNIE

That's all well and good. But right now, we need benefits.

MICHELLE

You leave that to your Chief Executive Shark. Believe me, if they see dollar signs with an off-the-balance-sheet investment, they'll order HR to find a way to get your covered under our group health plan.

JESSICA

So are you with us?

MICHELLE

(joking)

As long as we can sell shark soup.

MICHELLE hugs ANNIE. Annie hesitates and returns the hug. DAVID and JESSICA join in.

[THE END]