Many people know what they should do: get serious about career, find a good romantic partner, start saving money, lose weight, stop smoking, start exercising, whatever. Yet they can't seem to make themselves.

These techniques have helped many of my clients. Might one or more help you?

• Realize it matters, big-time. Many people feel they can get away with procrastinating. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but procrastination may hurt you more than you realize. For example, during a keynote address to college presidents, I asked, "Raise your hand if you think of yourself as a procrastinator." 15% did. I asked the same question of a large group of unemployed people. 90% raised their hand.

At the risk of sounding like your father, getting things done not only makes your life better but means you're living a more admirable life--you're contributing to those around you.

Think about how your lack of motivation has affected you, professionally and personally. Is it worth working on making yourself more motivated? If so, read on.

• Aim to be world-class at something. Goethe said "Small dreams motivate no one." Mensans have the capability of being world-class. What's the biggest, most exciting goal you could realistically hope to achieve?

• Counter your resistance to uncomfortability. It's tempting to think, "I'll put that task off until tomorrow--it may feel more comfortable then." Alas, that's too unlikely. Everyone, even people with great jobs find some of the work boring, frustrating, or difficult. Winners just accept that often, they must do things that are uncomfortable. Indeed, the willingness to do the uncomfortable may be a hallmark of a good person.

Too, remember that like the drug addict who, for a, short-term pleasure, ruins their life, the momentary comfort of deferring a task is far outweighed by the long-term discomfort you'll suffer if you're a procrastinator.

• Counter your fear of failure. Ask yourself if, rationally, the rewards of trying the task are worth the risks--even if you were to fail, big-time. For example, Let's say you'll finally make a concerted effort to find Mr. Right but you pull out all the stops for three years and have nothing to show for it but tears. Wouldn't you still feel better for having tried? Won't your friends and family respect you more for having tried?

• Give up or defer your perfectionism. If you demand your work be perfect, you may make tasks so odious that you procrastinate doing them. The perfect is the enemy of the good: Most tasks are wisely done to the 70-90%, not the 100% level because the benefits that derive from perfect work are usually outweighed by the time and pain required.

And even if a task needs to be perfect, you might want to create whatever first draft you can create easily, even if it's just half as good as it needs to be. As a friend of mine says, "Write crap. Then revise." Why? Because it's far easier to revise your way to perfection than to come up with it out of thin air.

• Counter your fear of success. Some people hate themselves and believe they don't deserve to succeed. Even assuming you're more flawed than most, making a difference is redemptive--you'll become more worthy of success.

Other people worry that if they succeed, their life will be harder: "I'll have to work more or on even harder tasks." Remind yourself that you can set limits. Even some CEOs say, "I'm having dinner with my family every night."

If you do choose to take on a harder task, you might succeed at that, exceeding your self-expectations. And even if you fail, you can survive. Most successful people fail, dust themselves off, and move on to another, perhaps more appropriate challenge.

• See yourself as a follow-through person. You're probably a long-time procrastinator so it's hard to picture yourself as something else. Sometimes, picturing yourself always getting started early and following through can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's not as airy-fairy as it sounds. Picturing yourself as that follow-through person replaces neurons that tell your brain, "I'm lazy," with neurons that say, "I'm a go-to guy/girl."

• Do it the fun way. Sometimes, just asking yourself, "What's the most fun way I could do the task?" can be enough to get you to do it. For example, is there an easier way to get that report done? Should you listen to music while working? Exercise with a partner?

If you enjoy the adrenaline rush of trying to get it done last minute, alas there's less grade inflation in life than in school. Here's how you might get that adrenaline rush while having enough time to do the project well: Start the project early but tell yourself things like, "Okay, I'm going to see if I can get this part done by 8:00." Or compete with a friend on who can, for example, make the most calls--the loser has to write a check to the other person's favorite charity.

• Take a low-risk action. Beyond a modest amount, thinking leads to analysis paralysis and less done of quality and quantity. Normally, it's best to think just a bit and then take a low-risk action. You can always revise your game plan. A sailor will never get from California to Hawaii by premapping the course. He must get started and continually readjust as conditions dictate. If she sees a hurricane ahead, she can turn back.

• Don't wait until you feel more confident. The less you do, the less confident you'll feel. Take that low-risk action. That will probably increase your confidence.

• Is your lack of motivation really depression? If you're depressed, it's hard to do much of anything. Recent evidence suggests that unless your depression is so serious, you can't get out of bed and/or are suicidal, anti-depressant drugs aren't worth taking--too often, they make too modest a difference relative to the side effects, or they stop working. The best approaches to mild to moderate depression may be exercise, focusing on the positives of tasks and of your life, perhaps brief cognitive-behavioral therapy, and accepting that you'll have some periods in which your depression reduces how much you can accomplish.

• Try cognitive-bahavioral therapy and/or a drug for ADD? Cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or ADD medication help some people get much more done. If you're wondering if that might be worth a trial, discuss it with a specialist. Here's a directory: http://www.chadd.org/Content/CHADD/Support/ProfessionalDirectory/default.htm.

§ Eliminate choice. Don't make it a choice--Just make yourself sit down and do the task or a section of it. That seemingly simplistic Nike slogan "Just do It" works more often than you might think. If it might help, promise yourself a reward for completing the task. I often say, for example, "After I get X done, I'll take my dog, Einstein, for a walk."

§ Do it for someone else. Some people procrastinate on their own tasks but not on tasks for someone else. Would your child benefit from seeing you land a great job? Do it for him. Would your spouse be delighted you made those calls? Do it for her. Would your parents be proud if you made that speech? Do it for them.

• Picture the benefits and liabilities of accomplishing your goal. If the liabilities outweigh, choose another goal. If it's a long-term project, you might try the seemingly superfluous but often effective technique of, thrice daily, saying aloud, with expression, the benefits of accomplishing the goal--it actually retrains your brain's neurons so those benefits stay top-of-mind.

§ Build-in reminders. It's easy to repress thoughts of doing the dreaded task. To help you remember, write a word on your hand, schedule it on your calendar, whatever.

• Be accountable to someone. Check in daily with a person and/or weekly with a group--maybe some of your friends. Try this structure: Each person gets 10 minutes in the hotseat to describe her or his goal, get input from the group on how to achieve it, and then commit to doing X by next week's meeting. The next week, each person reports on their progress. The fear of having to tell the group, "I procrastinated," is motivating. Also, you get practical ideas and emotional support from the group.

• Take baby steps. That's old hat but it often works: Do a baby step, even if it's just to read one page. Then another baby step. Before you know it, your inertia may give way to momentum and you'll get the task done. Don't know how to break the task into baby steps? Ask someone you respect.

• Be conscious of The Moment of Truth. There's a moment, usually unconscious, when you decide whether to do the task or something more pleasurable. Make that decision consciously and, sure, sometimes you'll decide to go get a sandwich but you'll more often choose to do the task. That moment of truth is when you have to summon all your will, remember that your life will be better if you get the task done and worse if you don't, and just do the damn thing.

• The One-Second Task. This is an extra-strength version of the baby-steps technique. One second is an unintimidating amount of time; you're least likely to procrastinate that. So when facing a task, no matter how big, ask yourself, "What's the first one-second task I need to do?" Maybe it's opening a computer file or picking up the phone. Fine. Do that one-second task. Then ask yourself, "What's my next one-second task?" Usually that starts the ball rolling--an object in motion tends to stay in motion.

• The One-Minute Struggle. When you reach a hard part, struggle to overcome it for just a minute. If you haven't made progress by then, you're unlikely to. At that point, get help or figure out a way to get the task done without that hard part.

• Play shrink with yourself. Keep a memo pad with you and every time you're tempted to procrastinate, write the time and the thought or feeling that's making you want to procrastinate. After a few days, review your notes for common threads. What would a shrink tell you? Often, just the act of writing your procrastinations makes you procrastinate less.

• How would your twin get you unstuck? Pretend you have a wiser twin. Tell him your situation aloud. Reread all the techniques in this article. What would your twin say to get you motivated, unstuck?

Might any of the above matches light your fire?

Have a different match you'd like to share? Send it as a letter to the editor: bulletinletters@us.mensa.org

Dr. Nemko first joined Mensa in 1973. He is a career and life coach specializing in high-IQ people. 600+ of his published writings are free on www.martynemko.com.

I so appreciate the women's movement. For example, it likely helped my daughter become Assistant U.S. Attorney and my wife become Napa County Superintendent of Schools.

But as this article will document, except for the tiny percentage at men at the top (e.g., CEOs) the gender pendulum has swung so far that many of today's boys and men are suffering devastating consequences.

True or false

1. The majority of medical research and outreach has been done on men.

False. Despite the death gap between men and women having grown from one year in 1920 to 5.2 years now, with four widows for every widower(!,) a U.S. General Accounting Office study found that most gender-specific health care research has been done on women. When I searched PubMed, which indexes 3,000 medical journals over the past 60 years, there have been 43 articles on "women's health" for every one on "men's health." Where women have been excluded from studies, it usually was because of one or more of the following: studies were done on prisoners (which are mainly men), men were more willing to volunteer for risky treatments,, or because researchers did not want women of childbearing age to be subjected to experimental drugs meant for adults that could damage a fetus.

Also, the overwhelming majority of gender-specific health outreach has been to women. Although sudden heart attack kills more men and kills them younger, most of the heart-disease public relations campaigns have been aimed at women. And although almost as many men die of prostate cancer, we see a sea of pink ribbons for breast cancer in our supermarkets and advertising campaigns but rarely the ribbon of prostate cancer. (Do you even know what color that is?) There are seven federal agencies for women's health, none for men.

2. The vast majority of severe domestic violence is initiated by men.

False. The media mainly reports the misleading police reports, which grossly underestimate the amount of female-initiated domestic violence because men are far less likely to report abuse. One reason: men are embarrassed to say their wife abused them. In contrast, women are considered heroes for reporting their abusing men. In broader population surveys, including a recent definitive one from Harvard, the evidence is unambiguous that women initiate roughly 1/3 of severe domestic violence. A California State University metaanaylsis of 200 studies with an aggregate sample size exceeding 200,000 "demonstrates that women are as or more physically aggressive than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners." Yet much female-initiated abuse is ignored by the police and shelters overwhelmingly serve only women.

3. Girls do far better than boys in school.

True. Male school achievement used to exceed female. Today, however, by high school graduation, girls are reading 1.5 grade levels higher than boys, a far greater gap than the tiny edge boys have in math. Boys are eight times as likely to be put on a chemical leash such as Ritalin, nine times as likely to be disciplined, twice as likely to drop out. The situation is grim for minority boys but not good for white boys. The American Council on Education reports that the fastest growing gender gap of any group since 1995 has been in white working-class students, with males particularly hard hit. At the end of high school, 23% of the white sons but only 7% of the daughters of college educated parents scored "below basic." This means that one in four sons of college-educated parents cannot read a newspaper with understanding.

And in an era in which a college degree is often the minimum requirement for a decent job, 59 percent of the 2009 bachelor's degree holders were women, a gender gap that is increasing. And in graduate school, despite the fact that a far higher percentage of men work full-time after they get their degrees, fully half of students in medical school, law school, and MBA programs are women., as are almost 80 percent of veterinary school students. Yet inexplicably, there are far more scholarships set aside for women than for men.

Fifty years ago, when the achievement gap favored boys, massive pro-girl programs were implemented: replace boy-friendly competition with girl-friendly "cooperative learning," self-esteem programs, science programs, math programs, more female role models in curriculum, special science recruitment programs, and pressure for teachers to call on girls more, boys less. Today, the response to boys' falling far behind girls is too often for boys to be told to sit still for ever more seatwork, as recess and other physical activities, which used to allow boys to drain energy, are cut. Otherwise, it's a trip to the principal, a suspension, and/or placement in special education and/or that Ritalin leash.

4. According to the Dept. of Defense, 99% of U.S. soldier deaths in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars have been men.

True: You might ask, "How could that be? The media and government constantly say, 'Our men and women fighting in Iraq.' Media interviews with soldiers are roughly 50/50." Fact is, only men are allowed to serve in direct combat and only men must register for the draft.

5. Men comprise 80 percent of completed suicides.

True, yet there are many programs aimed to prevent women from committing suicide, almost none for men.

6. Women earn less for the same work than men.

False: For the same work, women earn, on average, the same. According to the book, Why Men Earn More, based on a decade of analysis of government and other statistics, reasons for the "women earn 80 cents on the dollar" figure include that men more often choose careers that are more dangerous (e.g., police and firefighter), uncomfortable (from sewer repairer to crop duster), isolating and difficult (e.g., engineer and programmer) and work longer hours. The average man who says he works full-time works more than six hours a week longer than the average woman who says she works full-time. In addition, men are more likely to work evenings and weekends. For a promotion, more men are willing to move to places that fewer people desire. An offshore oil rig in Montgomery, Alabama, anyone?

Even comparing salaries in the same career tends to be biased against men. For example the Bureau of Labor Statistics lumps together all medical doctors but men are more likely to pursue higher-stress specializations with unpredictable hours such as surgeon whereas women are more likely to be a lower-stress pediatrician, and thus women physician salaries are lower.

Despite all this, today, unmarried women who have never had a child earn 113% of what men earn. That suggests that for the same nature, quantity, and quality of work, women likely earn more than men, and only when a woman makes the choice to have children and thus, on average, is less focused on her work life, does that woman's overpayment dissipate.

Here is further evidence that when women do earn less, it's not because bosses undervalue them: Working women who have no boss (they own their own business), earn only 49% of what the average male business owner earns. Why? A Rochester Institute of Technology study found that money was the primary motivator for only 29 percent of women versus 76 percent of men. Women put a premium on shorter work weeks, proximity to home, fulfillment, autonomy, and safety.

Too, women are more likely to prioritize work-life balance and to work fewer hours. Many such women claim that's necessary because their husbands are unwilling to do 50 percent of the childcare and housework. But even Arlie Hochschild, the feminist researcher who has studied "the second shift" for decades, found that in families in which the woman earns more than the man, men do more than 50% of the housework.

The good news for women is that when they make the same career choices as men, they can earn at least as much.

7. While women's employment rates remain steady, one in five men ages 25-54 are now unemployed, the highest percentage since the Bureau of Labor Statistics started collecting data in 1948.

True. Between December. 2007 and June, 2009, 78 percent of jobs lost in the United States were held by men. The current recession has been dubbed a hecession.

How did you do on the quiz? "If you didn't do well, why? After all, you're a Mensan. You usually do well on tests. You probably did poorly because society's mind molders--the colleges and the media--employ many hard-line feminists and men afraid of being called sexist. So, for example, rather than dig beneath the misleading statistics trumpeted by women's advocacy groups such as the infamous "women earn 80 cents on the dollar," they report those statistics unquestioningly. And movies, TV, and commercials disproportionately portray men as boors, sleazebags, and/or morons. For example, the box-office-record-breaking movie Avatar disproportionately displays the women as strong and ethical, the guys as troglodytes. The major exception is a jarhead who is shown the path to wisdom by a woman. In the leading kids' movie, Princess and the Frog, it's the same: Tiana's (the heroine) dad is killed off immediately so she can be raised by a wise woman. Consulted to by her and Granny Bayou, Tiana beats all the bad guys who are, yes, all guys.

If a Martian read the above information, he'd reasonably infer that to be treated this poorly, men must be the inferior sex. And some hard-line feminists indeed believe that, making such assertions as, "Testosterone-poisoned men create all the wars." Of course, men have also done remarkable good: invented everything from the printing press to Google, the birth control pill to Herceptin, the most effective drug against breast cancer. More average men sweat in foundries to create our steel. They build our buildings, fix our toilets, and make our cars, planes, computers, even the seat you're sitting in as you read this. The list is endless. Where are the women in such unpleasant jobs? For example, flush your toilet. Do you think more men or more women process the waste? Feel the heat in winter, the air-conditioning in summer, the roof over your head. Who invests, builds, and maintains them to keep you warm and secure? Yet rather than praise men for doing these tasks, we begrudge them any extra dollars (often trivial after taxes) they may earn and cover our front pages for decades with such grossly misleading statistics as "women earn 80 cents on the dollar."

Imagine you were the mother of a boy. Knowing all the above, how would you feel?

A Blueprint for Fairness

I believe the following solutions would go a long way to ensuring equal opportunity and fair treatment for both men and women:

Make schools boy-friendly. One-size-education does not fit all. On average, boys are more active, more competitive, and more interested in a book about cars than one about girls processing feelings. Ninety-two percent of U.S elementary school teachers are women, the highest percentage on record. So special efforts must be made to ensure that the education needs of both boys and girls are met.

Make colleges fair to men. The male/female ratio in college now approaches 40/60. With a college degree so essential, that ratio consigns the next generation of men to second-class citizenship. Efforts to recruit and retain underachieving men should be undertaken. And to set aside scholarships for women when far more women are obtaining degrees is as wrong as it would be to set aside scholarships for whites when blacks are underrepresented in college. When male prospective or enrolled college students see endless programs and curriculum for women and none for men, who struggle more in school, men understandably feel unwelcome.

Encourage men to consider the full range of life choices that women do. Society conditions men to feel they must be the primary breadwinner. That often precludes them from pursuing the less remunerative but more appealing careers that many women feel free to pursue: teacher, artist, librarian, writer, etc. Warren Farrell, author of The Myth of Male Power, explains:

We perceive men who earn more money as having privilege but we are blind to dads who sacrifice their own dreams because earning more, even if the job is disdainful (e.g., traveling widget salesman) better helps their children live their dreams. When we view men's higher earnings only as discrimination against women, our anger blinds us to his mid-life crisis when he realizes he will never be the writer or artist he once hoped to be. And more important, it blinds us to how his love for his wife and children made him make the enormous sacrifice of giving up his dreams. In turn, our blindness deepens his crisis of meaning and often, his depression or anger.

Men, you have the right to be more than a beast of burden, the right to have open-non-manipulative discussions with your spouse about such issues. Each couple should decide for themselves, without gender-based expectations, the appropriate division of income-earning and domestic responsibilities.

Similarly, men and women should be equally encouraged to be "brave" or not to be: to serve in combat, to take dangerous jobs. Today 92% of workplace deaths and 99% of battlefield deaths occur to men. It is unfair that men assume such a disproportionate percentage of that risk.

Fund gender-specific health care research and outreach in proportion to the need. Just as programs for women and minorities were created to redress inequities, it's only fair to do the same for men, especially when men suffer the ultimate deficit, they die much younger and live their last decade in worse health. It's no more valid to let men die because they're reluctant to go to the doctor than it is to let minorities die because they too are less likely to go to the doctor.

The media, schools, and colleges, must treat men fairly. Any boy growing up today is bombarded with endless media messages that he's inferior. Just as it was wrong when women were so often portrayed as hyperemotional housewives, two wrongs don't make a right. Role modeling matters, so we have an obligation to portray both sexes fairly. That requires standing up to hard-line feminists in power who will assert (unfairly as this article has documented) that "it's still a man's world" and that reeducation is required.

Men should have the right to organize. There are many powerful women's advocacy organizations. For example, NOW, AAUW, and Catalyst have enormous influence on the media and, in turn, on us and on public and corporate policy. Countless women's professional associations exist so "sisters can help sisters." As the above statistics confirm, men now need support too. They should not be embarrassed from, let alone precluded from organizing.

Men need job retraining. The hecession occurred in part because male-centric careers such as manufacturing and construction have been heavily hit while female-centric fields such as teaching, social work, and government office jobs have remained stable. Men need support in replacing their rusty hammers with new skills. Too, full-time and part-time parenting also deserve to be fully valued in the male work repertoire.

Men deserve more respect from women. For two generations now, the message is that women get a raw deal from men. Statements like "women need men like fish need bicycles" and "Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them" are less funny than they are dispiriting to men and boys, just as sexist jokes against women are inappropriate. Please set aside hard-line feminist activists' overheated rhetoric and think dispassionately about the men you know. For every butt-scratching, beer guzzling, sleazebag guy, aren't there more hardworking, honest, good men? Just because a man chooses to be task-oriented and to give advice rather than to process feelings doesn't make him inferior...even if he does scratch his butt occasionally. Give men the respect their deserve.

Mentor a Mensan Male. Time was when bright boys and men were catered to. Today, however, the public schools, in part because of No Child Left Behind, focus overwhelmingly on low achievers. And, as outlined above, schools have too often become very girl-friendly at boys' expense. In and out of school, many programs exist to mentor girls and women, far fewer for boys and men. Especially given that high-IQ people are the most likely to solve societal ills, an excellent use of your volunteer time would be to mentor a Mensan male--boy or adult. Find your protege by asking friends, colleagues, or the counselor at a local school. Mentorship can be quite informal: regular or irregular meetings, in-person, by phone, or Skype. You might want to start your relationship just by chatting (if it's a boy, with the parent there to introduce you,) perhaps while doing a recreation(s) that both you and your protégé might enjoy. As the relationship develops, you can ask more probing questions and, as appropriate, offer wise counsel. I can think of no volunteerism that could do more good and be more fun.

Conclusion

25 years ago, when I began as a college and career counselor, both sexes were equally confident about their futures. Today, most of the girls and women I see are optimistic while far more males are dispirited or angry. We cannot afford to sacrifice half the next generation, not only for their sake but for all of us--We are their mothers, daughters, coworkers, and fellow citizens.

A Mensan for 37 years, the San Francisco Bay Guardian named Marty Nemko "The Bay Area's Best Career Coach." He is Contributing Editor for career issues at U.S. News & World Report. 600+ of his published articles are free on www.martynemko.com.

A play about getting fired, hired, and giving the finger to Corporate America

by Marty Nemko

Cast of Characters

Annie Michaels, 45ish, is a product director in the instant soup division of FFS Foods. At work, she looks and acts corporate but there's more to her.

David, 50ish, her husband, an artist who can't handle a straight job. He's had cancer.

Jessica, their daughter, 18, hated high school, except for acting in plays. She represses fear about her future by saying, "I'll figure it out in college." She's social and in an experimenting phase.

Michelle, 40ish, an African-American, is Annie's boss. She is harder-driving than Annie, betting that aggressively playing the Corporate Game is worth the compromises.

Willie, 40ish, Michelle's ex-husband. A coke-snorting dandy. All talk.

James. Vice-President of Dry Soup Product Development for Unibrands is the quintessential corporate executive, his bottom-lineness concealed by a restrained demeanor, except when it comes to the love of his life: his dog, Chainsaw.

(if a dog is available) Chainsaw, a tiny, cutesy dog.

ACT I

SCENE 1

It's the Michaels family's middle-class condo. The living room is notable only for the walls covered with original but clearly bad modern paintings. The sofa could stand replacing.

Half of the dining room table functions as a desk: papers stacked and a laptop computer.

Adjacent to the living room, UL, is a kitchen with an island. The door to Annie's and David's bedroom is UC, Jessica's UR. Outside the front door is a porch.

(DAVID, in the all-black artist's "uniform" vomits into the kitchen sink, groans in pain, removes a tiny teddy bear from his pocket and squeezes it, removes his shirt revealing an ostomy bag, and holds his belly. He hears the door opening, suppresses his groans, returns the teddy bear to his pocket, and ducks behind the island.

JESSICA bops in wearing a graduation cap and gown, holding her iPhone and wearing a hands-free device.

She tosses off the cap and gown to reveal a short skirt and bare-midriff top. Her midriff bears a heart tattoo: "Darnell & Jessica 4 Ever."

She throws herself on the sofa, whips out a joint from her tampon holder, and lights up.)

JESSICA

(into her phone)

Of course, I love you...Darnell means nothing to me...Now don't get pissy...You want me to come over?...Mmmm...No, you can't come here. My stupid parents will be here soon...Sure. How about now?...Do I really have to wait an hour?.. Be ready for me...Bye Emily.

(JESSICA enjoys her joint, getting high, finds a six-pack of 100-calorie-each chocolate bars, stacks all six and is about to chomp when DAVID emits a groan.

JESSICA spits on the joint to extinguish it and hides it in her graduation gown.

JESSICA

Dad? Mom?

DAVID stands up.

DAVID

You shouldn't be smoking.

JESSICA

Look who's talking...Hey, why do you have your shirt off?

DAVID

Just cleaning out the bag.

JESSICA

You do that in the bathroo--

DAVID doubles over in pain. JESSICA rushes to him.

JESSICA

What's wrong?! Should I call Dr. Gold? Take you to the emergency room?

DAVID

It's nothing. I probably just didn't clean it out soon enough.

JESSICA

What do you mean probably? Are you sick again?

DAVID has another paroxysm of pain.

JESSICA

Let's get in the car.

DAVID

I'll be all right.

JESSICA

Daddy!

(They hear the sound of the front door unlocking.)

DAVID

(whispering)

Don't tell her!

JESSICA

If you swear you're going to the doctor today! Swear!

DAVID

(Joking through his pain)

If I can tell mom about Emily.

(DAVID nods.)

ANNIE, in a business suit, strides in and notices the smell of marijuana, but not David's pain, which fades out over the following page.

ANNIE

On your graduation day?!

JESSICA

(giggling)

What?

DAVID

You really shouldn't smoke so much.

ANNIE

This is how you're starting your future?

JESSICA

I'll figure it out in college.

ANNIE

Yeah, Duncan Community College, land of figuring things out.

JESSICA

You're right. I shouldn't go. I can figure things out on the road trip.

ANNIE

You're not going. David, tell her she's not going...David, is anything wrong?

DAVID

I'm fine. Jessica, you're not going.

JESSICA

You just don't want me to be with Darnell.

ANNIE

It has nothing to do with that.

JESSICA

If he were white--

ANNIE

Gimme a break!

JESSICA

Besides, Emily will be there.

ANNIE

Really?

JESSICA

Absolutely.

ANNIE

She'll keep you in line. I like Emily.

JESSICA

So do I. So can I go?

(ANNIE makes a face of reluctant assent.)

JESSICA

I'm going over to Emily's now.

ANNIE

You sure not Darnell's?

JESSICA

I swear.

DAVID

Say hi to Emily for me.

JESSICA

I will.

DAVID

And thank you, Jessica.

JESSICA stares at DAVID while fondling her phone. She hugs ANNIE.

JESSICA

I love it. I'm done!

(JESSICA dons her headphones, presses "play" on her iPhone, and bops out.)

ANNIE

Our little scholar. It's a miracle they let her graduate: caught smoking dope, caught cheating, she did five minutes of homework a night, got A's on crappy term papers she threw together last minute--grade inflation. Instead of punishing her for procrastinating, they rewarded it. The schools are disgusting.

DAVID

(his pain now fully subsided)

This sofa is disgusting, not to mention it has no style.

ANNIE

Get a job and you can buy all the sofas you want.

DAVID

Every time I get a straight job, I puke. I'm an--

ANNIE

Yeah, I know: You're an artist. An artiste. An artiste who hasn't made enough from artisteing to even pay back his student loans.

DAVID

The damn art college kept parading graduates who were making serious money.

ANNIE

Yeah, a parade of three. Somehow, they didn't parade the thousands making minimum wage at art supply stores.

DAVID

I'm going to do more craft fairs this summer.

(DAVID points to a painting on the wall.)

DAVID

(Cont'd)

I'll bet I can get $1,000 for this one.

ANNIE

What's the most you ever got for a painting?

DAVID

That's not fair. I haven't marketed them well.

ANNIE

And now you're going to turn into P.T. Barnum?

DAVID

Stop it!

ANNIE

I won't stop it. You haven't made more than $1,000 a year from your stup--

DAVID

What did you say?

ANNIE

--from your stupid art.

DAVID

You think my art is stupid?!!

ANNIE

I'm sorry, David. Really. I'm feeling a lot of pressure: your MFA loan, my MBA loan, college for our little Einstein, the damn health premium surcharge--

DAVID

Can I help it if I have, had cancer?...I will work on marketing. I've got a copy of Selling Art for Dummies. I'm going to follow it.

ANNIE

That's what you always say.

DAVID

How can I succeed when you always put me down?!

ANNIE

David, what happens if the economy doesn't recover and I lose my job? The lost money! The health insurance!

DAVID

You're not going to lose your job. Stop pressuring me!

ANNIE

I pressure you, you do nothing. I don't pressure you, you do nothing. You're driving me crazy!

DAVID

Then why am I here?

(DAVID storms out onto the porch. He hugs his teddy bear.)

ANNIE comes out. David hides his teddy bear.)

DAVID

Get out of here.

(ANNIE, trying to make up, hugs him sensuously.)

DAVID

I'm sorry I'm not a cash cow.

ANNIE

(punctuating each phrase with a kiss)

You're my best friend, you're a terrible cook, and you have a helluva love machine.

(ANNIE kisses DAVID deeply.)

DAVID

I'm not just a cock...(melting) And you're my best friend, you're the world's best cook, and you have a helluva...corporate image.

(ANNIE tickles DAVID. They giggle and kiss.)

ANNIE

I gotta prepare to pitch Michelle tomorrow on a shark-fin soup. Disgusting stuff.

DAVID

That's my Corporate Annie!

ANNIE

It should only take a few minutes.

DAVID

Whaddya say, after you finish, I show you my helluva love machine?

ANNIE

As long as I can show you my helluva vulva.

DAVID

I'll see you in the bedroom.

(ANNIE and DAVID giggle and kiss. They reenter the condo. David pulls his cell phone from his pocket and strides into his bedroom. Annie sits at her desk.

From her briefcase, Annie retrieves a bright-colored file folder labeled "Shark Fin" and a Campbell-soup-sized can with a label that reads,"SouperFast Shark-Fin Soup." and the photograph above, which can be found at: http://teleburst.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/shark-soup.jpg.

She places the can on the table, squeezes on it while counting to five. She nods, satisfied.

She retrieves a typed page from the file folder, glances at it, then looks away from it.)

ANNIE

(practicing her spiel, hesitatingly)

Shark fin soup is a prized delicacy. No less that the founder of famous restaurant Chez Panisse Alice Waters said that for her last meal, she’d want shark fin soup.

(ANNIE looks at the page then turns away.)

ANNIE

(more confidently)

Shark fin soup is a prized delicacy. No less that the founder of Chez Panisse Alice Waters said that for her last meal, she’d want shark fin soup.

(ANNIE preens in front of the mirror and heads for the bedroom.)

Blackout, lights up, the coffee pot is half-filled with coffee.

ANNIE is bleary-eyed, in a sexy nightgown, and back at preparing for the presentation.)

ANNIE

It's actually cartiplate. No. (She looks down at the typed page and then away.) It's actually cartilaginous platenet. No. (She looks down at the page and then away.) It's actually cartilaginous platelet of shark's fin. That's it.

(ANNIE returns the can and folder to her briefcase, throws a dress on, runs a comb through her hair, throws lipstick on, grabs a cup of coffee and her briefcase, and runs out the door.)

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 2

It's a director-level corporate office, unusual only in being festooned with a garish poster displaying two dozen SouperFast canned soups that are identical except for the soup's name (e.g., chicken noodle, tomato)--for example, www.artfagcity.com/wordpress_core/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/campbells_soup_cans_moma_reduced_80.jpg. The wall also displays two 11x14 photos: one of Michelle, her husband, and two children smiling on the ski slopes, the other with the happy family in front of their new Lexus SUV with a big red ribbon on it.

(MICHELLE, dressed and coiffed in Corporate Perfect, is at her desk talking with WILLIE, her ex-husband, buzzing on cocaine, wearing a stained, not fully tucked-in shirt.)

MICHELLE

No, you cannot come with us! Get yo blow-snortin' butt out of here.

WILLIE

But baby. Please. Let me come. I swear I am through with that shit...I'm gonna look for a job now, I swear. Maybe right here at Souperfast.

MICHELLE

Oh great.

WILLIE

I'm gonna get one. A real good one. Just like the old days.

MICHELLE

Can't you come up with something more original?

WILLIE

I want to be there for my kids. I do. I swear. I know I was wrong. Real wrong. I don't want to be one of those bad daddies. You don't want your kids to grow up without their daddy. You know they say kids who grow up with a single parent--

MICHELLE

Don't you play the children card again with me, Willie Robinson. You have screwed-up the kids from here to Kinshasa and I'm not letting you get within a mile of them. You get your coked-up butt outta here.

MICHELLE looks up a phone number, puts on a phone headset, and calls a ten-digit number.

MICHELLE

(speaking with a white middle-American accent)

Hello, Congo Air. I need three tickets--

WILLIE

Four? Please?

MICHELLE

(covering the phone's microphone)

Get out of here! Now! How dare you try to see me again, let alone here!, let alone messed up, as usual.

Twitching, WILLIE buzzes out the door.

MICHELLE

(into the phone)

I need three round-trip tickets from San Francisco to Kinshasa 13 July returning 27 July...All with my frequent flyer miles. How many will that cost me?...Two million?...Isn't there a way it could cost me less?...Great. That'll still leave me a million.

(There's a knock on the door.)

MICHELLE

(calling out)

I'm betting it's my Annie. Come in. (into the phone) Anything else you need?...Great. Thanks.

(MICHELLE hangs up the phone. ANNIE opens the door, tired, nervous.)

ANNIE

Right you are, as usual.

MICHELLE

You look a little tired. You weren't up all night preparing for this?

ANNIE

Uh, not at all. The coffee hasn't kicked in yet, that's all.

MICHELLE

Please sit--My office is your office.

ANNIE

(smiling)

I wish it were. I mean, I wish my workspace were this nice.

MICHELLE

You'll get out of the cube farm.

ANNIE

Really?

MICHELLE

Uh, we just have to wait for a time it won't ruffle too many feathers...How'd the graduation go?

ANNIE

She celebrated in her usual way: with a joint. Then she said she was going over to her friend Emily's house but I think she went over for some hanky and lots of panky at Darnell's.

MICHELLE

I didn't know her boyfriend was African-American.

ANNIE

Why should it matter?

MICHELLE

Right.

ANNIE

How's your family?

MICHELLE

Fine. Just fine...We're planning a family trip to Africa. You know, kind of a back-to the-roots thing.

ANNIE

Great!

MICHELLE

We are travel junkies. So fun experiencing different cultures. Well, ready to go?

ANNIE

Sure.

(ANNIE pulls the soup can and a plastic bag from her briefcase and places both on the desk.)

ANNIE

(holding up the can)

Of course, this is just a mockup but it gives you the idea.

MICHELLE

Nice photo--Talk about exciting the customer--quite biting!

ANNIE

(groan) Of course, the real label will have a shot of the product, prepped by the food stylists, and photoshopped.

MICHELLE

Just be sure to run it by Legal--I don't need another false-advertising suit. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's hear the pitch.

ANNIE

Okay. Shark fin soup is a prized delicacy. No less that the founder of famous restaurant Chez Panisse chef Alice Waters said that for her last meal, she’d want shark fin soup. And Marketing found that the average person spends a lot per bowl. That makes it a perfect opportunity for SouperFast.

MICHELLE

Yeah but we too will have to pay a lot for shark fin. The damn enviros are making it more expensive every day.

ANNIE

No problem. Supply chain found a source in Vietnam that sells cartilaginous platelet of shark fin for just $900 a ton. That's just eight cents a can and Market Research says we can get four bucks per.

MICHELLE

What is cartila--?

ANNIE

Cartilaginous platelet of shark fin. It's unclear whether that's actually shark fin or shark lip but Legal says it's close enough that the FTC won't bother us. And if some foodie sues us, our lawyers will bomb him with enough demands for information that our exposure should be minimal.

MICHELLE

Don't the enviros have a thing about using shark fin at all? We'd be using tons of it.

(ANNIE pulls out her file folder.)

ANNIE

Why don't we just leave out the word "fin" and call it Shark Soup?

MICHELLE

Shark soup? We'd sell about two cans.

ANNIE

You're right. And you're right about the enviros hating shark fin harvesting. There's this website: stopsharkfinning.net.(reading:) "If you're concerned about the plight of sharks"--

MICHELLE

The plight of sharks?!

ANNIE

(Cont'd)

--If you're concerned about the plight of sharks, which are more vulnerable than ever--

MICHELLE

Poor sharky-poos.

ANNIE

...click here to donate, click here to find the nearest protest."

MICHELLE

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If we green-light the soup...

(Annie takes notes on her laptop computer.)

MICHELLE

(Cont'd)

--we make a donation to stopsharkfinning.net. We ask for their input. (with feigned caring:) "We want to be as humane as possible to the sharks." (back to normal voice.) If their harvesting method costs us more than, say, another penny a can, we ignore 'em. If they bitch, we tell them, in the nicest way possible, (feigned caring voice:) "We tried like hell to use your method but it just wasn't feasible." (back to normal voice:) They'll probably go on to harass someone who wasn't so nice to them...Let's taste this puppy.

ANNIE

Can I give you a little more info first?

MICHELLE

I've got another meeting in ten minutes.

ANNIE

I'll make it fast. Because our profit per unit will be about $2.00 net!, we can afford to add a self-heating mechanism to each unit, as a pilot test. If it works, we can expand it to the entire SouperFast line. It's cheap--just six cents a unit.

MICHELLE

How's it going to work, Sterno?

ANNIE

Same technology as those heat wraps for aching muscles. You just squeeze the can for five seconds.

MICHELLE

That'll make the soup hot?

ANNIE

Just lukewarm but R&D says that by adding certain chemicals to the soup along with hot pepper, the customer will perceive it as hot.

MICHELLE

(writing a note to herself)

Email an attaboy and attagirl to R&D....What about meat and vegetables?

ANNIE

R&D says freeze-dried meat will work and marketing says our target demo doesn't give a shit about vegetables.

MICHELLE

This thing sounds like quite the taste sensation. Let me try it.

ANNIE

Don't expect haute cuisine.

(From her desk, MICHELLE pulls an elegant sterling silver soup spoon and a beautiful bone china soup bowl emblazoned with the SouperFast logo.

ANNIE squeezes the soup can while counting to five. She pulls off its pop top and, as a frou-frou waiter might, artfully pours the soup into the bowl.

Michelle tastes it. She tries to hide her dislike for it, not altogether successfully.)

MICHELLE

Uh, good first draft. Annie, I appreciate what you've put together here. I'll get back to you on this. Oh and give my congratulations to...Oh I'm sorry: What's your daughter's name again?

ANNIE

Jessica.

MICHELLE

Oh of course. Jessica.

ANNIE

Thank you, Michelle.

MICHELLE

You're most welcome.

(ANNIE gathers the can, puts it in the plastic bag she had in her briefcase, and strides out. Just outside the door, she stares at the can, fires it against the wall, and cries.)

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 3

It's Michelle's office.

(There's a knock at the door. MICHELLE opens the door to find ANNIE.)

MICHELLE

Thank you for coming in.

ANNIE

Why so formal all of a sudden?

MICHELLE

Annie, this is the most diffi---

ANNIE

You're firing me?!

MICHELLE

...If you like, instead of firing you, we can lay you off so you can collect unemploy--

ANNIE

You're firing me!

MICHELLE

Believe me, I--

ANNIE

You've given me good evaluations! Is this because you hated the fucking soup?

MICHELLE

Did you really think anyone would eat that shit?

ANNIE

They eat Lipton's, Twinkies. They eat Spam, for God's sake!

MICHELLE

SouperFast doesn't benchmark downward.

ANNIE

I hated the soup too. It took on a life of its own: Supply Chain, R&D, Marketing, Accounting, Market Research, Legal--they all did all that work. I didn't feel I could nix it without presenting it to you.

MICHELLE

Yes you could. That's why you are a director.

ANNIE

Were.

MICHELLE

Right.

ANNIE

You're firing me because you didn't like one prototype soup?

MICHELLE

...No.

ANNIE

What?

MICHELLE

A couple of your coworkers complain you're always dancing out of here at 3 or 4 to drive your kid somewhere or to work on your kid's plays.

ANNIE

That's only like once a week for six weeks, maybe twice a year! They need a costumer, help building sets. I love doing that. I put in plenty of overtime. Like I did stay up all night on that fucking presentation! Men. They have no sense of balance, family.

MICHELLE

It was two guys and a woman.

ANNIE

You're supposed to be my friend and you're firing me because of a can of soup and because, after working 40, 45 hours a week, I want to be a decent mother?

MICHELLE

You want it straight? The numbers for your products have been just average and you're expensive because you've been with the company a long time.

ANNIE

Sounds like age discrimination, Michelle.

MICHELLE

Stop it.

ANNIE

No, really. Next, you're going to say you're dumping me so you can add some color.

MICHELLE

Stop it!!

ANNIE

That's awfully defensive. Dost thou protest too much, Michelle, Ms. Back-to-Africa?!

MICHELLE

Ms. Michaels, you need to report to HR. I will let them know you will receive the standard severance package: two weeks salary plus two months health care coverage--if you sign the agreement not to sue for wrongful termination. And I will fire you, not lay you off. That's better for you anyway. If you got unemployment, you'd probably sit on your ass for 79 weeks.

ANNIE

Fuck you...Something else is going on. As soon as I mentioned the color thing---

MICHELLE

Nothing is going on.

ANNIE

You're lying.

MICHELLE

...Fine. The color thing is not the reason...But, as your friend, I'll say it because you pushed me to: The Diversity Committee has pointed out that whites have been underrepresented in layoffs and--

ANNIE

I am going to sue your ass!

(ANNIE storms out. MICHELLE cries.)

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 4

It's Michelle's office.

MICHELLE is at her desk. WILLIE, perfectly dressed, in a suit, sits across from her.

MICHELLE

I don't believe you.

WILLIE

Here it is.

WILLIE hands her a letter.

MICHELLE

FFS letterhead? (reading:) Dear Mr. Robinson, We are pleased to offer you the position of warehouse foreman. Your previous experience and your enthusiasm were persuasive. It also didn't hurt that you were married to one of our respected employees.

MICHELLE

I don't believe this.

WILLIE

Baby, I told you I was turning it around.

MICHELLE

My reputation is going to stand and fall on you?! I'm calling HR right now and have them make you take a drug test.

WILLIE

You can call 'em all you like. I haven't done a line in two weeks. I swear, baby, I am through with snow. It has melted right out of my life. Please baby, this is my last chance. My next stop is the shelter. I done all kind of bad but a man's gotta have hope. I'm not asking to move back in or nothin'. You don't want me to be homeless, now do you?

MICHELLE

Good luck, Willie. I'm prayin' for you...and me.

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 5

We're back in the Michaels' condo.

(On the kitchen island, ANNIE, drunk, with an almost empty bottle of cheap champagne beside her, finishes rolling out cookie dough. Using the cookie cutters from a set such as this (http://cp32.heritagewebdesign.com/~swshapes/cart/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=34_97&products_id=161&zenid=68088cef95eec8392648f81f8dcb3373), she cuts out a diploma cookie and hangs it on the wall with a push pin.

She cuts out a mortarboard cookie and hangs it. She cuts out the number 2 and hangs it.

Through the scene, the cookies slowly elongate. (Note: experiment with the amount of water or butter in the dough to ensure the cookies look quite distorted after one minute.)

JESSICA bops in.)

JESSICA

Hey, Emily keeps asking if I'm going on the road trip. (Jessica notices the cookies.) What the hell?

ANNIE

(drunk)

It's your graduation. Shouldn't we celebrate?

(ANNIE cuts and hangs a "0" next to the "2.")

JESSICA

What are you doing?

ANNIE

Graduation only comes once in a lifetime...especially for you.

JESSICA

Stop it. I'm going to community college.

(ANNIE cuts and hangs a "1" next to the "0). She cuts and hangs a "0 next to the "1" to make "2010.")

JESSICA

What's wrong?

ANNIE

Nothing. I like to bake.

JESSICA

You hate to bake.

ANNIE

People change.

(DAVID plods in.)

DAVID

What the hell?

JESSICA

She's taken up baking.

DAVID

Cool. Graduation cookies a la Modigliani.

(ANNIE breaks down.)

ANNIE

I'm never going to work again!

DAVID

You quit?

ANNIE

They fired me. Michelle fired me.

DAVID and JESSICA

(overlapping)

No! You're kidding? It can't be!, etc.

ANNIE

I'm going to sue SouperFast's sorry ass. I'll get millions--I'll never have to work again.

DAVID

Stop it. Those lawsuits never work. They cost a fortune, they're exhausting, and in the end, their lawyers will torture you, drag it out until you're broke and you give up.

ANNIE

People win millions all the time.

DAVID

Yeah and 1,000 times as many wish to God they didn't sue. Are you sure it was discrimination?

ANNIE

...I dunno.

DAVID

You've got to snap out of it, Annie! If you need to, go back to the therapist.

ANNIE

Fuck the therapist. I've seen three--all "therapist's therapists." And all I got was an excuse--"It's your parents' fault,"--but my life's no better. Mainly they just say nice things to you so you keep writing checks to Dr. Freudenstein.

DAVID

We can't afford you to be out of work. We've got no money, and the health care--

ANNIE

They give us two months, then COBRA.

DAVID

Two months?!! Please, I never know when I'll have a reoccurrence.

ANNIE

You're not going to have a reoccurrence. Why is it always about you?!

DAVID

I can't take this any more. You don't care a bit about me.

ANNIE

I lose my job: my income--our savings are thinner than this sofa cushion--Give me your credit card, Jessica! We're just paying the monthly minimums, a fortune in interest. Interest on the interest!

JESSICA

No!

DAVID

(giving Jessica a knowing glance)

Just for now.

(JESSICA gives the credit card to her.)

ANNIE

I've lost my routine, my place to go every day, my friends at work--Michelle's quite the friend--No more "Hey, let's get a drink after work?" No "Tell me who's flirting with whom." They're all gonna go on just fine without me. And there I am, home, with nothing to do except be the maid. A big part of me has just died and all you can think about is you?

DAVID

I'm sorry.

(DAVID hugs ANNIE, and in his arms, she sobs. Unseen by Annie, JESSICA consoles DAVID.)

JESSICA

Maybe this is a good time to follow your dreams.

ANNIE

What dreams?

JESSICA

Maybe that's the problem.

ANNIE

We have a mortgage to pay, a big health insurance premium, you in college. Dreams don't pay. Jobs pay.

JESSICA

Look at Oprah. Bill Gates. Madonna. See, I know people from your generation.

ANNIE

You see me as the next Oprah? The next Bill Gates? The next Madonna?

ANNIE grabs her middle-aged belly. DAVID crosses his arms across his belly.

JESSICA

But what's your dream?

ANNIE

Yeah I'd like to work for a nonprofit but they pay you zippo, at most, McWages, because they expect you to give it all for The Cause. Do what you love and you'll starve.

DAVID

That's why the words starving and artist always go together.

JESSICA

Not everyone in nonprofits starve.

ANNIE

Do you want to risk losing our condo, not having health insurance, not being able to afford to send you to college.

JESSICA

Fine with me.

ANNIE

...You're right. I need to look for a job. I'll look for soup jobs and nonprofit jobs. But what if it takes months? A lot of people today take a year, or more?!

DAVID

I'll help you.

ANNIE

You're going to help me for a year?! You can't job-hunt for two minutes!

DAVID

It's different when I'm doing it for someone else. For you.

ANNIE

I haven't looked for a job in 15 years. I'm afraid I'm not marketable. I fooled myself into thinking I'd have my job forever so I haven't really kept up, my network sucks, I don't even have a resume. What am I going to tell my friends? My parents? Before, I could say, "I'm a director at SouperFast." Now what do I say: "I left to be a consultant?' That reeks, "She's lying. She's unemployed!" I'm fucking unemployed! Damaged goods?!!

DAVID

I heard someone who got fired say, "I decided to go portfolio." That sounds cool.

ANNIE

I don't even have one career. I'm supposed to make up four?

DAVID

Why not?... How about, "I'm between jobs."

ANNIE

I'm not "between jobs?" Between jobs means you'll get another one. (screaming) Damn. Damn! Damn!!

JESSICA

Hey, watch that. I'm this family's designated screamer.

DAVID

And I'm going to be your designated taskmaster, your loving taskmaster.

(DAVID hugs ANNIE. JESSICA joins in. Jessica plods out the front door and onto the porch. She pushes buttons on her iPhone.)

JESSICA

Emily, you're not going to believe this. My mother was just fired!...She says it may be because she's white. That's total bullshit--easier to blame it on that. Hasn't she ever heard of White Privilege?...She's gone nuts. (imitating Annie:) "I'll never work again. I'll sue their sorry asses"...(back to her normal voice:) She took my damn credit card!...Yes that is the worst thing. Except maybe that we may have to sell the condo. Oh and there's the health insurance thing, my father, you know? (whispering) cancer. It may have come back...Can I come over? I could really use a hug...I'll be there in five minutes. Love ya, soooh much.

DAVID opens to the door to the porch.

JESSICA

(whispering)

Gotta go.

JESSICA hangs up.

JESSICA

(to David)

So, did you see Dr. Gold?

DAVID

How's Emily?

JESSICA

Stop it. Did you go?

DAVID

With a girl, Jessica?

JESSICA

Stop it! Did you go, Daddy?!

DAVID

It's fine. He said it's probably nothing.

JESSICA

Probably?

DAVID

He thought it might be worth doing exploratory surgery.

JESSICA

Exploratory surgery?! They couldn't just look through the hole?

DAVID

That's how they'd do it but it would still require general anesthesia, so I said no.

JESSICA

No one dies of anesthesia. They die of cancer that spread. Daddy, you gotta do it.

DAVID

Over 100,000 people die every year because of medical errors. Plus zillions more get sicker.

JESSICA

You have to do it. (She breaks down.) I don't want to lose my daddy.

DAVID hugs her.

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 6

DAVID, ANNIE, and JESSICA sit around the dining table/desk.

DAVID

Good. Resume's done.

(DAVID and JESSICA kiss and hug ANNIE.)

DAVID

(Cont'd)

Now just the cover letter.

ANNIE

Just.

DAVID

Stop it. Read the job announcement.

ANNIE

I've read it ten times.

DAVID

Read it again--the cover letter has to prove you're the perfect fit for the job.

(ANNIE takes the job announcement. JESSICA grabs it.)

JESSICA

I'll read it.(hesitantly. She's a poor reader:)

"The ..." What's that say?

ANNIE

Phalanx.

JESSICA

What does that mean?

ANNIE

I told you you should have studied more--

JESSICA

Gimme a break.

ANNIE

It's a line of warriors with big spears.

JESSICA

I like my warriors with big spears.

ANNIE

Stop it. Go on reading.

JESSICA

"The Phalanx Sanitary Supply Company--

DAVID

Why does a bathroom supply company name itself after warriors with big spears?

JESSICA

Maybe it's just men's bathrooms.

DAVID

Sure it says Phalanx Sanitary, not Phallus Sanitary?

ANNIE grabs the job announcement.

ANNIE

(reading)

Phalanx, a sanitary supply company seeks a product manager to cover Modesto to Fresno."

DAVID

Are you sure you want to apply for this?

ANNIE

Yes, I'm sure. (Her words say yes; her face says no.)

ANNIE

(reading what she types into the computer)

I'm delighted to have seen your job listing #4365A on Monster.com for a product manager. While I have no direct experience--

DAVID

You never want to say anything negative.

ANNIE

(reading what she types into the computer)

My experience at FFS Foods makes me uniquely qualified--

DAVID

That's better.

JESSICA

Don't make me puke.

ANNIE

That's the game. You gotta play it.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I believe in exceeding customer expectations, being a team player, delighting the--

JESSICA

This cannot be how you get a job.

ANNIE

Okay, maybe that was a bit much.

JESSICA

How about telling the truth?

DAVID

Ah, youthful idealism.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

Okay, I'll tell them the truth: I was an average employee, I'm getting old, and I'm white. To make matters worse, I proposed a canned soup that tastes like your sanitary products.

JESSICA

Not that honest.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I have consistently received strong evaluations but the company has decided to move in a different direction.

DAVID

Now that sounds like total bullshit.

ANNIE

It is total bullshit. That's the game.

DAVID

No. The game is bullshit that doesn't sound like bullshit.

JESSICA

Phalanx is in the shit business.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

While I've had a consistent record of success at FFS Foods, my current boss and I have a bit of a personality conflict.

DAVID

Maybe they'll accept that.

ANNIE

I have a longstanding interest in sanitary products--

(JESSICA makes the sound of a quiz show "wrong answer" buzzer.)

JESSICA

Now that's honest. The pope should nominate you for sainthood. Saint Pinocchio.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I believe my organizational skills, work ethic, and ability to get along with diverse coworkers--

JESSICA

You just said you had a conflict with your boss.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

Nearly all of my diverse coworkers like me... Liked me.

(ANNIE slams her fist against the table.)

DAVID

You'll get another job.

JESSICA

They'll be lucky to have you.

ANNIE

All of a sudden, I'm Mom of the Year. It's like when someone dies, they suddenly become--

(DAVID'S face drops.)

ANNIE

I'm sorry. You're not dying. The doctor says there's no detectable cancer--

DAVID

Detectable. Today.

ANNIE

You're gonna live forever... All right, let me get this piece of shit done.(reading what she types:) My resume is attached.

JESSICA

"My resume is attached?" Do you have to use that pissy language? No one ever uses the passive voice.

DAVID

See? She did learn something in high school.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I attach my resume...

DAVID

I can just see the employer thinking, "Oh how wonderful. You used the active voice--You're hired!"

ANNIE

You have no idea how shallowly decisions are made in Corporate America.

JESSICA

In school too. With women teachers, the more you kiss up, the higher your grade. With men teachers, the shorter your skirt--

DAVID

So that's why you wear them.

JESSICA

One reason.

ANNIE

Darnell.

JESSICA

...Emily.

ANNIE

Yeah, right. (finally getting it.) Are you a lesbian?

JESSICA.

(chickening out)

I was just joking.

ANNIE

Oh. I just thought maybe...I mean I didn't want to sound homophobic...and I mean you do talk so glowingly, giggly, about her.

JESSICA

Gimme a break.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely.

JESSICA

Great, mom.

DAVID

You're done. Yay. You should be proud of yourself.

ANNIE

Should I click "send?"

JESSICA

Do the dirty deed.

ANNIE

You sure it's good?

DAVID

Google-quality applicants don't apply to clean Fresno's toilets.

ANNIE

Thanks a lot.

(ANNIE clicks "send.")

DAVID

Should we pop one?

JESSICA

Great idea.

ANNIE

Sparkling cider for you.

JESSICA

Of course.

(JESSICA bops to the refrigerator, opens a bottle of Trader Joe's champagne and takes a slug.)

JESSICA

(holding out the bottle to Annie and David)

Who's next?

(Blackout. Lights up.)

Annie's exhausted.

ANNIE

(looking at her laptop screen)

72 applications, 78 phone calls. And what do I get? One interview request, one rejection, 12 thanks but no thanks, and 136 fucking no-responses. I've pitched myself 150 times!

DAVID

Well, you can view it as your glass 149/150th empty or 1/150th full.

ANNIE

I didn't even get a response from that toilet supply company!

JESSICA

Bathroom supply.

DAVID

Hey, would you get in gear? They'll be skyping you in a second. And it'll be a helluva lot better working for them than for a shithouse supply company.

JESSICA

Hey, I've never been in a men's bathroom. What are urinal supplies?

DAVID

At the base of the urinal, there's this plastic thing with a bullseye on it.

JESSICA

See? Would you rather sell pissing targets or save the whales?

ANNIE

You're right.

(ANNIE gets in lotus position, extends her arms outward, and takes deep breaths.)

JESSICA

You're not applying to a Buddhist monastery.

DAVID

You better not be.

ANNIE

I'm trying to calm down. I may never get another interview.

JESSICA

You'll do fine, mom.

ANNIE

(saying a mantra)

Please let me not suck. Please let me not suck. Please let me--

(The sound of an incoming SkypeVideo call is heard from her computer.)

ANNIE

Okay, show time.

(ANNIE positions herself in front of the laptop's camera.)

ANNIE

(to David and Jessica)

Out of the picture--They can see you!

JESSICA and DAVID scurry out of the frame.

(ANNIE clicks a key on her computer.)

ANNIE

(talking to the computer speaker and looking at the screen)

Good morning. I mean good afternoon.

DAVID

(whispering)

Fuck!

ANNIE waves him down.

BRENT (v.o.)

Hi, I'm Brent Kowalski, I'll be your interviewer today.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

He sounds like the waiter at Red Lobster: "Hi, I'm Brent and I'll be your server today. The specials are deep-friend halibut drizzled with an meyer-lemon-infused vinaigrette--

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Shh!

ANNIE

A pleasure to meet you.

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Does Skype count as "meeting?"

BRENT

A pleasure to meet you too. Are you ready?

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

What? Is she going to say: "No, I gotta change my tampon?"

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Shh!

BRENT

Well, tell me a little about yourself.

ANNIE

Well, I was born in Chicago.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

This is going to take until the whales molt.

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Shut up!

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

This is very funny!

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

It won't be so funny if she doesn't get a job.

ANNIE

My father was a businessperson and my mother was--

BRENT

Maybe you could tell us why we should hire you?

ANNIE

Well, I've been a good employee--I've been at FFS Foods for 15 years, including two promotions--

BRENT

Have you ever worked for a nonprofit?

ANNIE

Oh, well, yes.

BRENT

What was your salary?

ANNIE

...It was volunteer work.

BRENT

I see. An environmental nonprofit?

ANNIE

The ASPCA.

BRENT

What did you do for them?

ANNIE

Oh, a little of everything.

BRENT

(joking)

Not clean the cages?!

ANNIE

Only when I had to fill in.

BRENT

I see...Well, I'm glad you were willing to do what it takes. When did you last work there?

ANNIE

It's been a while. I can't quite remember.

DAVID

(whispering to Annie)

Make up a date.

ANNIE

2005...or 6, I think...I've gotten very interested in fish rights.

BRENT

Whales are mammals.

ANNIE

Of course, but they're related. Kind of. Right? Anyway, in my work at FFS Foods, I developed an interest in protecting um sea life.

BRENT

Really.

ANNIE

You see, FFS Foods was thinking of introducing a shark fin soup but I did some research and found that the sharks were killed inhumanely.

BRENT

It's true. There should be a ban on harvesting sharks.

ANNIE

I totally agree.

DAVID

(whispering to JESSICA)

She was just pitching FFS foods to buy tons of shark fins.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

Be Kind to Sharks Week? This is what they're bonding about?

BRENT

Let's get back to your current job. Oh, I mean your most recent job. (Annie shrinks.) If you're as good as your cover letter and letter of reference say, how come they let you go?

ANNIE

Uh, the company just decided it, uh, wanted to go in a different direction.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

Back to the "different direction" shit?! It sounds like it came straight from a book on interviewing.

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

It did.

BRENT

I see. Your LinkedIn profile contains a reference from two of your coworkers but not from your boss. Why is that, Ms. Michaels?

ANNIE

Oh. Um, my boss and I had a bit of a personality conflict.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

From the book?

DAVID nods.

BRENT

Oh yes--that's what you wrote on your cover letter. Well, Ms. Michaels, I think that's all we need. We'll be in touch.

ANNIE

Is there any reason you'd hesitate to hire me?

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

From the book?

DAVID nods.

BRENT

We'll be interviewing other candidates and we'll get back to you. Thanks so much for your interest in SaveTheWhales.com.

(Blackout, lights up. ANNIE, DAVID, and JESSICA are around the computer again. Annie stares at the screen.)

ANNIE

(reading what's on the screen)

Junk, junk, online bill, junk. Oh, here's one's from your alma mater wanting money.

DAVID

Junk.

ANNIE

Still no response from that sonofabitch savethewhales.com. I knew I wouldn't get the job but they don't have the decency to, after all that time applying, all that stress of the interview--

DAVID

And I'm sure their website says some crap about how people are their top priority.

ANNIE

(scrolling down the screen)

I'm sick and tired of--Oh my God! Unibrands. Unibrands! FFS Foods' major competitor!! A better company! A Fortune 75 company!! It's huge! Huge!! (She reads): "Dear Ms. Michaels, we are in receipt of your application for our position #4363B as director of new product development in our powdered-soup division. Your interview day will be on July 12 at 9 AM at our regional office in Montgomery, Alabama. Your day will consist of your making a ten-minute presentation of a new product idea for a powdered soup, an interview with me, and a simulation with another candidate. Please call my assistant, Sissy Brown regarding travel arrangements. We look forward to meeting you. Sincerely, James M. Underwood, Vice President, Powdered Soup Product Development, Unibrands, Inc.

DAVID

Alabama? We're going to have to live in Alabama?!

ANNIE

You were willing to move to Fresno. We don't, I mean I don't have the job yet.

JESSICA

In Alabama, aren't they mainly racist rednecks?

ANNIE

The South has changed a lot, I'm sure.

JESSICA

Yeah, they changed their white sheets for fresh ones.

ANNIE

It's just an interview. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Aren't you excited for me? Finally! I am going to get this job. I'm a perfect fit--it's just like what I've been doing for 15 years, and for FFS Foods' main competitor! They'll love that they stole me away... I guess they didn't exactly steal me away if I'm unemployed. Anyway, I really think I'm a lock. Who knows? Lots of people like living in the South. We've got to prepare for this interview. Can I count on your help?

DAVID

(half-heartedely)

Sure.

JESSICA

(quarter-heartedly)

Sure, mom.

ANNIE

I want to do a presentation on a line of locally produced, healthy soups.

JESSICA

You said they want you in charge of powdered soups.

ANNIE

That will be my presentation. How you can mass-produce a powdered soup that really is healthy, delicious, and affordable--and environmentally responsible.

DAVID

Now you're talking!

(Blackout. Lights up. They're bleary-eyed, exhausted.)

ANNIE

Thank you both--so much. I'm very excited about this. I do think the presentation will be good.

DAVID

It'll be fantastic!

JESSICA

Mom, you're awesome!

ANNIE

Mom is exhausted.

(ANNIE looks at the clock: 3:30 AM)

ANNIE

Bed!!!

(ANNIE, DAVID, and JESSICA hug and go to their bedrooms. Blackout. Lights up. The clock reads 9 AM. They're around the table. DAVID's head is buried in Interviewing for Morons.)

DAVID

It says that if you have the body language right, you're halfway home.

JESSICA

Corporations hire people because of their posture?!

ANNIE

And they fire people for less.

JESSICA

What's the right body language?

DAVID

(reading)

"Knock on the door firmly. When invited in, stride confidently, and wear a genuine, not phony smile.

JESSICA

The whole thing is phony.

DAVID

(reading)

Then thrust your hand out and shake confidently. Wait until you're asked to sit. Then lean slightly forward, and smile pleasantly.

(ANNIE smiles too broadly.)

JESSICA

It said pleasant, not psychotic.

DAVID

I took this course once in neurolinguistic programming. They said that to get someone to like you, all you have to do is mirror them: sit the way they do, speak the way they do.

ANNIE

What if it's a group interview?

DAVID

Uh, I guess you could mirror the person who asked you the question. Why don't we try it now. Okay. Jessica, you ask a question.

JESSICA

Do they have model questions in that book?

DAVID

Does swiss cheese have holes?

(DAVID hands JESSICA the book.)

JESSICA

Okay. (reading:) Tell me a little about yourself.

ANNIE

No I won't start with "I was born in Chicago," okay? Ever since I saw my mother trying to be supermom: work full time, be a good mother, cook for us, I became sensitized to the need for foods that would be quick and easy to prepare. So I was delighted to work for FFS Foods and was pleased to receive two promotions during my tenure there. I'm even more delighted at the prospect of applying my FFS Foods experience to the challenges of extending Unibrand's preeminence in the dry-soup space.

JESSICA

Holy shit!

DAVID

Is this my wife?

ANNIE

I speak fluent Corporate.

(JESSICA consults the book again.)

JESSICA

What's your greatest weakness?

(JESSICA splays herself across the sofa. ANNIE splays herself across the sofa.)

ANNIE

I'm too formal.

JESSICA

Be serious.

ANNIE.

Okay. I tend to work too hard. I need to learn to set limits.

JESSICA

That's the answer in the book!

ANNIE

That's the problem. I've asked that question to applicants and they all say that exact same thing.

JESSICA

I cannot believe this is how they hire in Corporate America.

ANNIE

How's this? I take my work seriously and when a supervisee makes a mistake, I can sometimes be a little impatient. I'm working on it though.

DAVID

That's the one they told me to say when I was interviewing for a job.

ANNIE

When have you interviewed for a job?

DAVID

When I was applying for a job at the art supply store.

JESSICA

Try it one more time. Is there anything you can say that's even marginally honest?

DAVID

"Marginally." I told you she learned a lot in high school.

ANNIE

Okay, third time's the charm: I've been getting ever more opportunities to forecast budgets. Each time, I'm getting feedback that's making me better and better.

JESSICA

That's not a weakness.

ANNIE

That's the idea. It sorta sounds like a weakness but it isn't really one.

DAVID

I think it'll work.

(JESSICA consults the book again.)

JESSICA

Okay. Remember the mirroring thing. (talking very fast:) Why do you have this long gap in your resume?

ANNIE

(talking very fast)

I can't think that fast. (talking normally:)I have no idea how to answer that.

DAVID

They might ask that. What would you say?

ANNIE

I took ten years off to raise Jessica?

DAVID

Oh that'll put you on top of the heap.

ANNIE

What am I supposed to say: I took time off to build the Burj Dubai?

JESSICA

What the hell is that?

DAVID

Gee and I was just saying you learned something in high school. It's the world's tallest building.

JESSICA

Who gives a shit.

ANNIE

What should I say?

DAVID

Say the volunteer stuff you did.

ANNIE

Back to cleaning shit at the ASPCA?

DAVID

No. Like you ran a fundraiser at Jessica's school.

ANNIE

Right. I ran a bake sale. Fine, I'll say, "Spearheaded a cost-effective revenue generation initiative for a publicly funded entity, yielding a 100% increase in revenues over the previous fiscal year."

DAVID

That's good.

ANNIE

Yeah, 100% more than nothing. It was their first bake sale.

DAVID

So what. It sounded very good.

JESSICA

Very Corporate America...Hey, I have a tip. In acting class, they told us if you want to seem genuine, don't speak until you've really taken in what the other person said. Sometimes that'll be before they even finish their sentence. Other times it could be ten seconds.

ANNIE

If I'm sitting there for ten seconds, won't they think I'm dumb?

JESSICA

I don't know. I'm just telling you what the teacher said.

DAVID

You do have to have a better answer for "If you're so good, why did they let you go?" than "The company decided on a different direction."

ANNIE

What's the book say?

(JESSICA flips through the book and finds what he's looking for.)

JESSICA

Got it. (reading from the book:) "If at all possible, choose from one of the following: My spouse was transferred--"

ANNIE

You've never been hired. How could you be transferred?

JESSICA

(reading)

"Your company sent all your office's jobs to India."

ANNIE

One phone call and they'll know that's bullshit.

JESSICA

As different from all the other bullshit. (reading)

"You were tired of the long commute."

ANNIE

Yeah, five minutes was really getting to me. Why don't I just say what every politician says when he leaves. (imitating a politician: "I'm leaving to spend more time with my family" or "I'm leaving to seek new opportunities."

JESSICA

They expect bullshit from politicians.

ANNIE

They don't expect bullshit from job seekers?

DAVID

It's different. If they're gonna hire you, they have to believe your bullshit.

ANNIE

Okay, how's this: I did well at the company for my entire 15 years. Got two promotions. Good evaluations. Then all of a sudden, I pitched a soup they didn't like and next thing I know, I'm yesterday's soup.

DAVID & JESSICA

(overlapping)

Perfect! That's great!

ANNIE

Mmm, mmm good.

SCENE 7

It's Michelle's office.

WILLIE, high again, sits opposite MICHELLE at her desk.

MICHELLE

I knew it.

WILLIE

The stupid lazy-ass warehousemen. They came in late, sat around playin' the fool.

MICHELLE

And you were the pillar of diligence, which is why they fired you and kept them.

WILLIE

It was a race thing. You know--they always gonna blame the Bla--

MICHELLE

William Robinson, those were the last words you will ever say to me. Get yo coke-freak hynie out of here. Now. And I ever see you again, I will call the police and tell them about your dealing.

WILLIE twitches toward the door.

MICHELLE

(Cont'd., muttering)

Just like I was afraid of. And on top of everything else. My God. I'd be smart to look for another job. This position at Unibrands just came across my desk. I was going to throw it out, but now...

WILLIE plods out.

MICHELLE types into her computer.

[END OF ACT]

ACT II

SCENE 1

James' office is two notches nicer than Michelle's. It's unremarkable except for a three-foot x two-foot box sitting next to his desk, over which is draped a well-ventilated yet not see-through, understated but expensive fabric. Also, on the wall is a large photo of James hugging his cute but unkempt little dog.

JAMES sits stiffly in his executive chair at his imposing desk. Two chairs sit opposite the desk.)

SISSY

(v.o. with a strong Southern accent, heard through his intercom)

Mr. Underwood, Ann Michaels is here.

JAMES

Please send her in, Sissy.

(Just as she rehearsed, ANNIE strides in, thrusts her hand out, and vigorously shakes JAMES' hand.)

JAMES

Won't you sit down, Ms. Michaels?

ANNIE

Thank you.

(ANNIE sits. As rehearsed, she makes good eye contact, leans forward, wearing a pleasant smile.)

JAMES

Well, nice of you to fly in.

ANNIE

No trouble at all.

JAMES

Good. How was your flight?

ANNIE

Well, it was delayed a few hours, but it's no big deal...(Pointing to the photo on the wall:) What an adorable dog!

JAMES

That's Chainsaw.

ANNIE

He's so, well, informal looking and you're...so put-together. Did you rescue him from the pound?

JAMES

I got him from a top breeder but...well...Okay, I'll tell you: I know you'll think I'm crazy but I like the way Chainsaw smells...so I don't give him a bath very often.

ANNIE

You give Chainsaw a bath yourself?

JAMES

My wife would rather I took him to the groomer but--well, I've come this far, I might as well go all the way--I like to get in the shower with Chainsaw...(Pulling himself back from the "excess" emotion:) Well, that's more than you want to know.

ANNIE

No, that's wonderful!

JAMES

(back to his Corporate self.)

TMI. Okay. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?

ANNIE

Ever since I saw my mother trying to be supermom: work full time, be a good mother, cook for us, I became sensitized to the need for foods that would be quick and easy to prepare. So I was delighted to work for FFS Foods and was pleased to receive two promotions during my tenure there. I'm even more excited at the prospect of applying my FFS experience to the challenges of extending Unibrand's preeminence in the dry-soup space.

JAMES

Oh, before I forget. Good news: I'm not going to make you do a presentation.

ANNIE

Oh, but I was looking forward to the opportu--

JAMES

I understand but the Diversity Committee reviewed our hiring procedure and they decided that candidates presentations are too non-standard from each other and thus subject to observer bias. The Committee reminded us that the safest approach is to ask the exact same questions of each interviewee. I do hope you understand.

ANNIE

I understand.

JAMES

Oh, while we're discussing surprises, I suspect you'll be surprised to know--and I think you'll find this a good surprise--that the other applicant who will be your partner in the brainstorming simulation will be none other than your boss, Michelle Robinson.

ANNIE

(choking)

Really. I didn't know she was applying...I guess an oppportunity at Unibrands is just too tempting--

JAMES

With FFS Foods our major competitor in the dry-soup space, we wanted to interview all FFS Foods' relevant talent. And since you've both worked together and your cover letter said how well you got along with your coworkers, I figured you'd both enjoy being paired together for the simulation.

ANNIE

Uh, yes, thank you... May I have a glass of water?

JAMES

Certainly.

(JAMES pushes a button on the intercom. There's no response.)

JAMES

Sissy must have gone to the bathroom. I'll get the water.

(JAMES walks out.

ANNIE paces, gesticulating wildly, hyperventilating.)

ANNIE

I can't fucking believe it. I killed myself to prepare that presentation!... And Michelle is my "simulation partner?" Michelle?! Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!!

(JAMES returns and hands her a bottle of Perrier. Would you care for a glass?)

ANNIE

That's all right.

ANNIE drinks from the bottle and gags--the water went down the wrong way.

JAMES

Are you sure you wouldn't like a glass, Ms. Michaels?

ANNIE

I'm fine. Really. It just went down the wrong way.

JAMES

Those things do happen. Well, ready for the next question?

ANNIE

Certainly.

JAMES

What's your greatest weakness?

ANNIE

Well, um, I tend to work too hard. I need to learn to set limits.

JAMES takes a note.

JAMES

Where have I heard that before?

ANNIE

It's the truth!

JAMES

I didn't say it wasn't.

JAMES takes a note.

JAMES

(Cont'd)

Well, why did Ms. Robinson fire you? I understand you weren't laid off. FFS Foods' human resource policy doesn't allow them to explain why, so I figured I'd ask you directly.

ANNIE

I don't know. I really don't know.

JAMES

Well, what's your best guess?

ANNIE

The company decided to go in a different direction.

JAMES takes a note.

JAMES

Can you be more specific?

ANNIE

I'm really not sure...If I can be really honest, I think part of it is that they wanted more diversity.

JAMES

I see... Well, I think that's all I need.

JAMES pushes a button on the intercom.

JAMES

Oh good, you're back, Sissy. Is Michelle Robinson here yet?... Good, send her in.

(MICHELLE strides in like the best CEO in the world. She thrusts her hand out. As JAMES shakes it...)

MICHELLE

Hi, Annie. Good to see you. And good to see you again, Mr. Underwood.

JAMES

You can call me James.

MICHELLE

Thank you, James.

JAMES

Won't you sit down?

MICHELLE

Thank you.

(MICHELLE sits next to Annie.)

JAMES

Why don't one of you--Michelle--Why don't you sit in my chair so the two of you can look at each other more easily.

(MICHELLE surreptitiously flashes a grin at Annie and enjoys settling herself into James' chair. JAMES takes Michelle's seat.)

JAMES

Okay. We want you to briefly brainstorm on this question: "We've just signed Celine Dion to endorse our new line of 30-second soups. How would you market it?"

ANNIE

Is this hypothetical or have you made a deal with Cel-

MICHELLE

Since we at FFS Foods haven't heard about it yet, I assume, at this point, it would be proprietary information. And I assume that would also be true about the line of 30-second soups. Is that right, James?

JAMES

That's true. Okay, whenever you're ready, feel free to begin.

MICHELLE

Well Annie, given the substantial investment Unibrands has made to license the Dion name, to maintain cash flow in that unit, we'll need to identify vehicles that will generate six-figure orders in a short sales cycle. Doesn't that make sense, Annie?

ANNIE

But, Michelle, we don't want to be guilty of emphasizing short-term profit at the expense of long-term growth, and--

MICHELLE

It's not a zero-sum game, Annie. The correct marketing plan will optimize the sales curve at its inflection point so it can generate the acceptable quarterly ROI at the same time as it embeds the precursors to a long-term investment that will exceed shareholder and analyst expectations over at least the intermediate term. Doesn't that make sense, Annie?

ANNIE

Yes, Michelle.

MICHELLE

Let's talk channel. What thoughts do you have, Annie?

ANNIE

Well, Celine Dion fans watch a lot of MTV and--

MICHELLE

TV has become totally cost-ineffective. We get much better cpm with a social media strategy integrating LinkedIn, FaceBook, Twitter, and YouTube. Viral video is an absolute must. Don't you agree, Annie?

JAMES

Great. Thank you.

MICHELLE

I'm sorry if I was a little strong. I'm just so enthusiastic about Unibrands--

(JAMES rises.)

JAMES

It was fine. Thank you Michelle and thank you Annie for coming in from so far away.

(JAMES thrusts his hand out equidistant from Michelle and Annie. MICHELLE quickly reaches out to shake his hand.)

MICHELLE

It's been a pleasure meeting you Mr. Underwood, I mean James. I'm more enthusiastic than ever about working for Unibrands. Is there anything that makes you hesitant to hire me?

ANNIE

Or me?

JAMES.

We'll be in touch.

(ANNIE holds her hand out. JAMES shakes it.)

JAMES

Thank you for coming in. Have a nice flight, both of you.

ANNIE

Thank you, sir.

MICHELLE

Thank you, James.

NOTE: If a small cute dog is available, including the following section. Otherwise, it can be omitted.

CHAINSAW barks.

ANNIE

Chainsaw?

JAMES removes the drape and Chainsaw from the cushy-mattress- equipped dog cage, filled with doggie toys.

JAMES

(cradling Chainsaw like a baby)

It's against company policy but...

ANNIE comes up to Chainsaw and fondles him.

MICHELLE rolls her eyes.

ANNIE

Can I hold him?

JAMES

Be very careful.

ANNIE cradles Chainsaw and gently rubs his belly.

JAMES

You're great with him!

ANNIE

Maybe I should be your pet sitter.

JAMES

I wouldn't leave him with a sitter. He comes everywhere with me. He has almost as many frequent flyer miles as I do.

MICHELLE

Not as many as I do.

JAMES

Okay...Anyway, thank you both again for coming. And Annie, thank you for being so sweet with Chainey.

(As ANNIE and MICHELLE stride out with corporate confidence, Annie, careful that James doesn't see, sticks her tongue out at Michelle.

JAMES presses a button on the intercom.)

JAMES

Sissy, is the next candidate ready?

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 2

(It's Michelle's office. MICHELLE sits at her desk, eating a large bowl of soup. ANNIE sits opposite.)

ANNIE

Okay, enough small talk. Did you get the job?

MICHELLE

No. I guess that means you didn't either.

ANNIE nods.

ANNIE

I know I'm not Black and I'm not 25 but--

MICHELLE

You came here to beg for your job back?

ANNIE

I guess.

MICHELLE

I can't.

ANNIE

Am I really such a sucky employee?

MICHELLE

No.

ANNIE

Then please. I'm scared. You're supposed to be my friend.

MICHELLE

Please don't try to trade on that. That's not fair.

ANNIE

Is it fair what you did to me in that collaborative brainstorm? "Isn't that right, Annie?" "Doesn't that make sense, Annie?"

MICHELLE

Maybe that was an example of why I had to let you go. You're just not aggressive enough.

ANNIE

What?!

MICHELLE

We're competing with Asian companies whose managers make $20,000 a year, their workers make $1 a day--and they don't threaten to sue for non-existent discrimination.

ANNIE

That's not fair!!

MICHELLE

Now that's some of the aggressiveness you need to show in your next job. I'm sure you'll find one, even if my recommendation isn't the strongest.

(ANNIE dumps the bowl of soup all over Michelle.)

ANNIE

Aggressive enough?

MICHELLE

(icy)

You are going to pay for this.

(ANNIE strides out.

MICHELLE cleans herself off, stares for a long time, then picks up the phone.)

MICHELLE

Would you get me the sales numbers for last quarter, Jamal?

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 3

(Back at the Michaels' condo, DAVID paces, looking up at the clock. It reads 2:50 PM. JESSICA looks on.)

DAVID

Ten more minutes.

JESSICA

I can't stand it. Call now.

DAVID

He said the results won't be ready until 3:00.

JESSICA

Call. The worst they can say is, "Call back."

DAVID calls.

DAVID

(into the phone)

Hello, this is David Michaels. I'm calling for the results---Yes, I'll hold. Thank you...

He paces.

DAVID

Oh my God. Thank you. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!

DAVID hugs JESSICA

DAVID

(Cont'd)

Everything's fine. No sign of cancer. It was just the clogged bag.

ANNIE bursts in drunk.

ANNIE

(laughing)

I threw soup all over Michelle!

DAVID

That's my next painting!: I'll call it Souped-Up Michelle (pointing to a prominent spot on the wall) It'll go right there!

JESSICA

Mom, you're souper! You get it? S-o-u-p--

ANNIE

Like I said: "Our little Einstein."

DAVID

Michelle went from soup to nuts!

ANNIE

(holding her sides, which hurt from laughing)

Stop!, Stop!, I'm gonna pee in my pants!!

DAVID

No problem. You're wearing a skirt!

ANNIE

Please, please! I beg of you!!

(They all take deep breaths to calm down, after which ANNIE devolves into tears.)

ANNIE

Michelle is going to sue me, FFS Foods' fucking phalanx, yes phalanx of lawyers are going to aim their big dicks right at me!!

DAVID

What? They're going to sue you for assault with a salty weapon?

ANNIE

Michelle is going to blackball me. It's a small community; everyone knows everyone. "Oh, why did Annie leave? (imitating Michelle): Well, she had a psychotic break that culminated in her throwing a bowl of hot soup in my face." Now I really never will work again. If I want a job, I'll have to move to China!

(ANNIE gets more upset. DAVID and JESSICA hug her.)

DAVID & JESSICA

It'll be okay. Really. You'll get a job, etc.

ANNIE

Now what? We've only got six months rent in savings. And after the two months of health coverage, we have to start paying for COBRA--a thousand a month. And after 18 months, if I don't get a job with benefits, we get discontinued and we'll never get health care coverage again--Pre-existing fucking condition.

(DAVID bangs his fist on the table.)

DAVID

You're not going to be unemployed for a year...You're right though: I need to take some pressure off you. I'm going to look for a straight job. My father always said, "The only constants are death and taxes, and people will do more to avoid taxes. So he taught me bookkeeping "just in case."

ANNIE

You know bookkeeping?

DAVID

I didn't want to tell you. You'd make me get a job as one.

JESSICA

I'll get a job too.

ANNIE

That's very sweet but high school graduates have a tough time getting even $10 an hour.

JESSICA

I'll figure something out. Otherwise I'll never get my credit card back.

(ANNIE smiles, then breaks down completely. DAVID hugs her and plods into their bedroom.

The phone rings. ANNIE plods to answer it.)

ANNIE

Hello...Yes it is...Stop it, David, I know it's you. Those assholes from SavetheWhales didn't even have the decency to send me a rejection let--...What?...Oh my God. I am so sorry...You didn't send the rejection letter because you were still deliberating?...You're kidding. Oh, I mean, thank you. Oh, I'm so happy...Okay, I will take a day to think about it and I'll get right back to you...Oh, might I ask what the salary will be?...(her voice sinks) I see. Yes, well do let me think about it...Good-bye.

DAVID

The salary wasn't quite what you expected?

ANNIE

David, I was making $114,000 a year. They want to pay me $2,400 a month.

JESSICA

That's just $28,000 a year!

DAVID

I told you she learned something in high school...

ANNIE

Damn them: Give all for the cause. For the honor of trying to save a few fish.

JESSICA

Mammals.

DAVID

They want you to earn less than if you were selling filet-o-fish.

ANNIE

But they offer benefits.

DAVID

How permanent is the job?

ANNIE

I'd be on probation the first six months, and you know, even after that, they can fire you whenever.

DAVID

You'll do fine.

ANNIE

If I take it, I'll have a big learning curve: Shit, I don't even know that a whale's a mammal. And I've never worked at a nonprofit--

JESSICA

You cleaned shit at the ASPCA.

ANNIE

Shut up. For $28,000 a year, I'll be working my ass off and at night, I'll be too tired to look for something better. Besides, I couldn't leave there before a year or two or I'd look like a job-hopper... I can't take the job. I can't.

(They're all crestfallen. After an extended silence:)

JESSICA

I've got it!

ANNIE & DAVID

What?

JESSICA

I can't tell you yet!

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 4

It's the condo.

(JESSICA is practicing belly dancing. ANNIE enters through the front door.)

ANNIE

Jessica! What are you doing?! Why aren't you in school?!

JESSICA

It was a Minimum Day?

(Yawning, DAVID, plods from his bedroom into the living room. He sees Jessica.)

DAVID

What you are doing?!

JESSICA

I got a job as a belly dancer!

ANNIE

A belly dancer?!

JESSICA

I'll be making $1,000 a night!

DAVID

Belly dancers don't make $1,000 a night.

ANNIE

(to David)

How do you know?...(to Jessica:) Belly dancers don't make $1,000 a night.

JESSICA

Yes they do.

ANNIE

Jessica, what else will you have to do to earn $1,000 a night?

JESSICA

More dancing.

ANNIE

What kind of more dancing?

JESSICA

Pole dancing.

DAVID

You know, like the maypole dance.

ANNIE

Jessica, you don't even get $1,000 for pole dancing.

DAVID

How do you know?

ANNIE

Jessica, are you going to be a prostitute?

JESSICA

Of course not!!

DAVID

Then what?!

JESSICA

Nothing.

DAVID & ANNIE

Tell us the truth!!

JESSICA

I just have to take my clothes off.

ANNIE

You're going to be a stripper?!! Absolutely not. You go get your clothes on right now, young lady!

JESSICA

No! We're going to lose the condo. We'll have no money for health insurance. I don't want daddy to die!

(ANNIE strides out the front door and returns wheeling in an unpainted pushcart.)

ANNIE

No one is going to die. This family is going into business together. I am going to be the president and CEO of No-Poop Soup: super-healthy, locally-sourced, delicious, all natural minestrone, chicken noodle, and clam chowder. I'll be in charge of making the soups. And Jessica, you will not be our designated stripper. You will be vice-president of sales--You'll be serving the soup to the customers.

JESSICA

If I don't have to go to college.

ANNIE

We'll see how it goes.

ANNIE

And you, David, will be my vice president of marketing communication--You'll paint the cart and design the logo, and do the bookkeeping.

DAVID

Cool...How can you make decent money from a soup cart?

ANNIE

Even the highest quality soups are mainly water and low-cost vegetables. I've cost them very carefully: It will cost us 40 cents a bowl, including the bowl, spoon and napkin plus 10 cents wholesale for some delicious sourdough--and we can charge $4.00. That's $3.50 profit per bowl! Sell just 40 a day and you net $35,000 a year, easy.

DAVID

That's not much more than you turned down at SavetheWhales.

ANNIE

That's just for one cart. Once we get the system down, we just clone it: $35,000 profit for one cart, $70,000 for 2. $140,000 for 4--

JESSICA

$260,000 for 8?

ANNIE

$280. What was that about her learning a lot in high school?

JESSICA

All I know is, we'll be rich!

ANNIE

It not as easy as that. We have to find great locations that the city will allow us to use, get great people to staff each cart and treat 'em well so they're less likely to steal us blind. There will be issues but they're solvable.

DAVID

What will you say at cocktail parties when they ask what you do for a living: "I'm a pushcart vendor?"

ANNIE

No. "I'm president and CEO of a chain of specialty restaurants with branches throughout the Bay Area."...And you, Jessica will be able to keep your clothes on.

JESSICA

(to Annie)

Do you always like to keep your clothes on, mom?... I'll do it only on one other condition.

ANNIE

What's that?

JESSICA

That you'll let me go on the road trip...with Emily.

ANNIE

I see.

JESSICA

I'm just experimenting, okay?

ANNIE

Do I have a choice?

(JESSICA hugs ANNIE. Annie returns the hug.)

JESSICA

Daddy?

DAVID hugs JESSICA.

DAVID

There is one problem. Seriously. How will we get health insurance?

ANNIE

We will.

DAVID

And if we don't?

ANNIE

Fee for service. If something is costly, we'll negotiate with the doctors and hospitals.

(ANNIE and DAVID stare at each other, then hug. JESSICA joins in.)

The doorbell rings. ANNIE answers it. It's MICHELLE, despondent. DAVID and JESSICA approach the door.

ANNIE

Michelle?!

MICHELLE

No, I'm not here to serve you papers.

ANNIE

I'd rip 'em up in your face.

MICHELLE

(breaking down)

They fired me.

ANNIE

What?

MICHELLE

They cut 1/3 of the directors. A consulting firm said we were top-heavy and the money could be better spent setting up an R&D center in China.

ANNIE

Jesus!

MICHELLE

They made me fire you and three other managers. I cut everyone's budget by 20%. Those smiling vipers said, "If you can slash costs, there'll be a great future for you here at FFS." I slashed costs and they dumped me.

ANNIE

At least you have your husband's income.

DAVID

Shut up.

ANNIE

I didn't mean it that way.

MICHELLE

No I don't.

ANNIE

What do you mean?

MICHELLE

He was fired three years ago.

ANNIE

No!...Fired, not laid off?

MICHELLE

I am sorry about that...He has, well, a problem.

ANNIE

What kind of problem?

JESSICA

Sounds like a drug problem.

MICHELLE

Very perceptive. Not only has he contributed zero income these last four years, he's blown our entire savings up his nose.

ANNIE

Is that why these last few years, you've been so, well, driving?

ANNIE

Those Aspen pictures with your family?! The Lexus?!

MICHELLE

Corporate America doesn't like a loser.

DAVID

They don't even like imperfection.

MICHELLE

Let alone a coke freak. The idiot bought the Lexus on credit and the Repo Man took it away before the new-car smell was even gone.

ANNIE

At least you have your home.

MICHELLE

Foreclosed a year ago. The kids and I are living in an apartment, smaller than this.

ANNIE

What about Willie?

MICHELLE

We divorced a year ago--the coke turned my loving Willie into a wife beater.

ANNIE

So that's what those bruises were. Skiing accident! Tripped down the stairs! How come you didn't tell me any of this?

MICHELLE

My father worked in corporate America 40 years--He said, never give 'em ammunition. Besides, I was embarrassed. I worked so hard to keep up my image.

ANNIE

Come in, Michelle. I'm sorry I poured the soup on you.

MICHELLE

If my friend fired me, even if I were a bad employee, which you were not, I'd have broken the bowl over her head...After all I did for that company. I killed myself! Climb the ladder--it's the American way!

DAVID

See why I never wanted a straight job?

MICHELLE

Hi, David. Hi, Jessica. Congratulations on graduating. I'm so sorry I spoiled it by having to let your mom go...What's the cart?

JESSICA

Should we tell Michelle about No-Poop Soup?

MICHELLE

No-Poop Soup? What's that? An antidote to FFS's shark soup?...By the way, they've green-lighted it--they just loved the profit margin. My final contribution to FFS.

ANNIE

The cart's just something David's going to paint.

JESSICA

Mom, could I see you a second?

ANNIE

Okay.

JESSICA leads ANNIE onto the porch.

JESSICA

Let's get her while she's down. We can get her cheap. She's a shark: She could be an awesome buyer, a salary negotiator, and she'd be like totally indebted to you.

ANNIE

I don't want a shark working for me.

JESSICA

That's the point! She'd be working for you! You don't like her? You can do what she did to you--fire her ass!

ANNIE giggles.

JESSICA

Good. It'll be fun to watch you boss her around!

JESSICA pulls a reluctant ANNIE back in.

ANNIE

Jessica, I don't think so.

JESSICA

You promised.

ANNIE

What!...

JESSICA

You did!

DAVID

What did you promise?

ANNIE

Michelle, I have become president and CEO of a chain of specialty restaurants with branches throughout the Bay Area.

MICHELLE

Really? For what company? Who hired you?

ANNIE

I hired me. Actually, No-Poop Soup is the name of a cart business where David, Jessica, and I will sell healthy soups. We'll start with one cart and then keep cloning it until we're making as much as we need.

JESSICA

I'm vice-president of operations and I'd like to offer you the job of chief negotiator.

ANNIE

Stop!

MICHELLE

You know, there is a job at No-Poop-Soup I'd just love but it's not chief negotiator.

DAVID

The CES position is taken.

MICHELLE

CES?

DAVID

Chief Executive Shark.

MICHELLE

I deserve that. You know the position at No-Poop-Soup I'd love?

JESSICA

What?

MICHELLE

Soup server.

ANNIE

What?

MICHELLE

I'm tired. I'm tired of being a professional asshole. If I serve good, healthy soup, I'm selling something I'm proud of, and I'm pleasing every customer. I could smile, chat a little with them, and never feel like a shark.

ANNIE

It pays $10 an hour plus profit sharing. We do well. You do well.

JESSICA

(joking, but loving her new "corporate" role)

We'll train you, put you on a sales quota, and yell at you if you don't make your number. I'm a tough vice president of operations.

MICHELLE

I can't work for $10 an hour. And how much profit sharing can there be with four people splitting the profits of one cart?

ANNIE

The first cart is just proof-of-concept. Once we've gotten that to be profitable, we can clone it indefinitely. We could have 1,000 carts.

ANNIE

Michelle, whaddya say? At least temporarily until you can find something better?

MICHELLE

I have an idea. Why don't I pitch the concept to senior management at FFS?

ANNIE

They just fired you.

MICHELLE

You don't understand how upper management works. They only care about what shows on the balance sheet. This could be an off-balance sheet investment. That keeps the stock analysts happy, which makes the stock price go up, which makes executives' stock options worth more. And if the first cart or two is profitable, then they have a sure thing and then they put it on their balance sheet, they'll put their marketing muscle behind it, and we'll all be rich.

ANNIE

That's all well and good. But right now, we need benefits.

MICHELLE

You leave that to your Chief Executive Shark. Believe me, if they see dollar signs with an off-the-balance-sheet investment, they'll order HR to find a way to get your covered under our group health plan.

JESSICA

So are you with us?

MICHELLE

(joking)

As long as we can sell shark soup.

MICHELLE hugs ANNIE. Annie hesitates and returns the hug. DAVID and JESSICA join in.

[THE END]

Wrong! While yes, in December, some workplaces slow down to an eggnog-soaked stagger, the holidays may be the best time to job-search. Why?

· Some workplaces have money in this year's budget that must be spent before yearend. I'm sure you'd be happy to solve their problem.

· In other workplaces, next year's budget and goals have just been approved. So hiring managers are trying to fill slots for the first of the year.

Or an employer may be more open than usual to creating a slot for you, if only on a project basis. Knock 'em dead in that temp job and you have an inside track on the next permanent position. (Alas, these days ever fewer positions are, in-fact, more than longer-term temp jobs.)

· Workplaces that offer year-end bonuses usually lose employees at yearend. Those employers interview in December so replacements are ready to start in January.

· In December, hiring decision-makers are less likely to be on business trips and in long meetings and more likely to be at their desk to receive your phone call. And if you leave a message or email, you'll more likely get a response.

· The holiday spirit makes employers more likely to grant you such job-seeker gifts as an informational interview or a receptive ear to your pitch.

· Perhaps most important, most of your fellow job seekers think the holidays are more for gift-searching than job-searching so if you're job hunting in December, you’ll have less competition than at any other time.

So okay, you realize holidays are for more than wassailing and buying presents people will return or pass on to someone else. How can you make the most of holiday job-searching. Here are my favorite tips:

¨ At holiday parties, while spreading good cheer, spread the word that your grinch of an employer had the nerve to send your job to Bangalore and that what you really want for Christmas isn't a gift card you'll probably misplace or end up using to buy some crap you don't need; it's a good job. Say it in a relaxed, not desperate or angry tone. Ahead-of-the-pack tip: Throw a holiday party with a guest list liberally laced with people who could help you land a good job. Not much of a party thrower? Invite your best-connected people to get together at a restaurant or watering hole.

¨ In your holiday letters and cards, don't be shy about mentioning that you're looking. These days, you have plenty of company. Do add to your holiday list your past employers, coworkers, customers, vendors, etc--that is, those that like you. Such people are particularly likely to shepherd you to a potential Santa Claus.

¨ If you're heading out of town for the holidays, try to schedule an informational or employment interview there. You'll be perceived as more special coming from far away and employers may view the opportunity to meet you as a one-time opportunity.

¨ Unless you really need the money or need to get out of the house to break out of your torpor, don't take a seasonal job: delivering packages, retail sales, customer service, etc. Such jobs pay poorly, few if any of hordes hired for the holidays get offered permanent decent jobs, and your spending 40 hours a week on that dead-end job robs you of the time and energy you need to land sustainable employment.

¨ Allow yourself time for pleasure--a job search is draining. So, what would it take to keep your spirits up? Ice skating? Seeing your relatives? (Be sure they're more a source of joy than of angst.) Volunteer to help the less fortunate? I'll admit that my holiday volunteer effort is pretty small: On Christmas Day, I accompany, on an electric piano, a bunch of lousy Christmas carolers as we visit the wards in a veteran's retirement home. What cause would you feel best about volunteering for?

Tip: Don't try to shop your way to contentment. That doesn't work even if you have a paycheck coming in and certainly won't work if you're unemployed. After a momentary shopper's high; you'll likely get depressed--especially when the credit card bill comes in.

¨ December is a religious time for many people. Especially when feeling reluctant to look for a job, it can be tempting to succumb to too-literally-interpreted Bible quotes such as "The Lord will provide." Genesis 22:14. It may be wiser to remember Ben Franklin's theology that "God helps those who help themselves."