Marty Nemko's Recent Articles http://www.martynemko.com/rss Read the latest Articles by Marty Nemko. en-us Copyright Marty Nemko Work, Education, Politics, Self-improvement, Men's issues Men Don't Have it Easy Either http://www.martynemko.com/articles/men-dont-have-it-easy-either_id1594 I so appreciate the women's movement. For example, it likely helped my daughter become Assistant U.S. Attorney and my wife become Napa County Superintendent of Schools.

But as this article will document, except for the tiny percentage of men at the top (e.g., CEOs,) the gender pendulum has swung so far that many of today's boys and men are suffering devastating consequences.
True or False
1. The majority of medical research and outreach has been done on men.
False: Despite the death gap between men and women having grown from one year in 1920 to 5.2 years now, with four widows for every widower(!,) a U.S. General Accounting Office study found that most gender-specific health care research has been done on women. When I searched PubMed, which indexes 3,000 medical journals over the past 60 years, there have been 43 articles on "women's health" for every one on "men's health." Where women have been excluded from studies, it usually was because men were more willing to volunteer for risky treatments or because researchers did not want women of childbearing age to be subjected to experimental drugs meant for adults that could damage a fetus.

Also, the overwhelming majority of gender-specific health outreach has been to women. Although sudden heart attack kills more men and kills them younger, most of the heart-disease public relations campaigns have been aimed at women. And although almost as many men die of prostate cancer, we see a sea of pink ribbons for breast cancer in our supermarkets and advertising campaigns but rarely the ribbon of prostate cancer. (Do you even know what color that is?) There are seven federal agencies for women's health, none for men.

2. The vast majority of severe domestic violence is initiated by men.
False: The media mainly reports the misleading police reports, which grossly underestimate the amount of female-initiated domestic violence because men are far less likely to report abuse. One reason: men are embarrassed to say their wife abused them. In contrast, women are considered heroes for reporting their abusing men. In broader population surveys, including a recent definitive one from Harvard, the evidence is unambiguous that women initiate roughly 1/3 of severe domestic violence. A meta-analysis of 200 studies with an aggregate sample size exceeding 200,000 "demonstrates that women are as or more physically aggressive than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners." Yet much female-initiated abuse is ignored by the police and shelters overwhelmingly serve only women.

3. Girls do better than boys in school.
True: Male school achievement used to exceed female. Today, however, by high school graduation, girls are reading 1.5 grade levels higher than boys, a far greater gap than the tiny edge boys have in math. Boys are eight times as likely to be put on a chemical leash such as Ritalin, nine times as likely to be disciplined, twice as likely to drop out. The situation is grim for minority boys but not good for white boys. The American Council on Education reports that the fastest growing gender gap of any group since 1995 has been in white working-class students, with males particularly hard hit. At the end of high school, 23% of the white sons of college educated parents scored "below basic." For girls from the same background, the figure is 7%. This means that one in four boys who have college-educated parents cannot read a newspaper with understanding.

And in an era in which a college degree is often the minimum requirement for a decent job, 60% of the 2009 bachelor's degree holders were women, a gender gap that is increasing. And in graduate school, despite the fact that a far higher percentage of men work full-time after they get their degrees, fully half of students in medical school, law school, and MBA programs are women., as are 75 percent of veterinary school students. Yet inexplicably, there are far more scholarships set aside for women than for men.

Fifty years ago, when the achievement gap favored boys, massive pro-girl programs were implemented: replace boy-friendly competition with girl-friendly "cooperative learning," girl self-esteem programs, science programs aimed at girls, math programs aimed at girls, more female role models in curriculum, special science recruitment programs, and pressure for teachers to call on girls more, boys less. Today, the response to boys' falling far behind girls is too often for boys to be told to sit still for ever more seatwork, as recess and other physical activities, which used to allow boys to drain energy, are cut. Otherwise, it's a trip to the principal, a suspension, placement in special education, and/or that Ritalin leash.

4. According to the Department of Defense, 99% of U.S.soldier deaths in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars have been men.
True: You might ask, "How could that be? The media and government constantly say, 'Our men and women fighting in Iraq.' Media interviews with soldiers are roughly 50/50." Fact is, only men are allowed to serve in direct combat and only men must register for the draft.

5. Men comprise 80 percent of completed suicides.
True, yet there are many programs aimed to prevent women from committing suicide, almost none for men.

6. Women earn less for the same work than men.
False: For the same work, women earn, on average, the same. That was the conclusion of President Obama's own Department of Labor, even as he signed the Lilly Ledbetter "Fair Pay Act." According to the book, Why Men Earn More, based on a decade of analysis of government and other statistics, reasons for the "women earn 80 cents on the dollar" figure include that men more often choose careers that are more dangerous (e.g., police and firefighter), uncomfortable (from sewer repairer to crop duster), isolating and difficult (e.g., engineer and programmer) and work longer hours. The average man who says he works full-time works six hours a week longer than the average woman who says she works full-time. In addition, men are more likely to work evenings and weekends. For a promotion, more men are willing to move to places that fewer people desire. An offshore oil rig in Montgomery, Alabama anyone?

Even comparing salaries in the same career tends to be biased against men. For example the Bureau of Labor Statistics lumps together all medical doctors but men are more likely to pursue higher-stress specializations with unpredictable hours such as surgeon whereas women are more likely to be a lower-stress pediatrician, and thus women physician salaries are lower.

Despite all this, today, unmarried women who have never had a child earn 113% of what men earn. That suggests that for the same nature, quantity, and quality of work, women likely earn more than men, and only when a woman makes the choice to have children and thus, on average, is less focused on her work life, does that woman's overpayment dissipate.

Here is further evidence that when women do earn less, it's not because bosses undervalue them: Working women who have no boss (they own their own business), earn only 49% of what the average male business owner earns. Why? A Rochester Institute of Technology study found that money was the primary motivator for only 29 percent of women versus 76 percent of men. Women put a premium on shorter work weeks, proximity to home, fulfillment, autonomy, and safety.

Too, women are more likely to prioritize work-life balance and to work fewer hours. Many such women claim that's necessary because their husbands are unwilling to do 50 percent of the childcare and housework. But even Arlie Hochschild, the feminist researcher who has studied "the second shift" for decades, found that in families in which the woman earns more than the man, men do more than 50% of the housework.

The good news for women is that when they make the same career choices as men, they can earn at least as much.

7. While women's employment rates remain steady, one in five men ages 25-54 are now unemployed, the highest percentage since the Bureau of Labor Statistics started collecting data in 1948.
True: In this recession, 80 percent of jobs lost in the U.S. were held by men. The current recession has been dubbed a mancession. Yet President Obama's job stimulus proposal gives 40% of the money to female-dominated professions.

How did you do on the quiz? If you didn't do well, why? Probably because society's mind molders--the colleges and the media--employ many hard-line feminists and men afraid of being called sexist. So, for example, rather than dig beneath the misleading statistics trumpeted by women's advocacy organizations such as the infamous "women earn 80 cents on the dollar," they report those statistics unquestioningly. And movies, TV, and commercials disproportionately portray men as boors, sleazebags, and/or morons. For example, the box-office-record-breaking movie Avatar disproportionately displays the women as strong and ethical, the guys as troglodytes. The major exception is a jarhead who is shown the path to wisdom by a woman. In the leading kids' movie, Princess and the Frog, it's the same deal: Tiana's (the heroine) dad is killed off immediately so she can be raised by a wise woman. Consulted to by her and Granny Bayou, Tiana beats all the bad guys who are, yes, all guys.

If a Martian read the above information, he'd reasonably infer that to be treated this poorly, men must be the inferior sex. And some hard-line feminists indeed believe that, making such assertions as, "Testosterone-poisoned men create all the wars." Of course, men have also done remarkable good: invented everything from the printing press to Google, the birth control pill to Herceptin, the most effective drug against breast cancer. More average men sweat in foundries to create our steel. They build our buildings, fix our toilets, and make our cars, planes, computers, even the seat you're sitting in as you read this. The list is endless. Where are the women in such unpleasant jobs? For example, flush your toilet. Do you think more men or more women process the waste? Feel the heat in winter, the air-conditioning in summer, the roof over your head. Who invests, builds, and maintains them to keep you warm and secure? Yet rather than praise men for doing these tasks, we begrudge them any extra dollars (often trivial after taxes) they may earn and cover our front pages for decades with such grossly misleading statistics as "women earn 80 cents on the dollar."

 Imagine you were the mother of a boy. Knowing all the above, how would you feel?

A Blueprint for Fairness

I believe the following solutions would go a long way to ensuring equal opportunity and fair treatment for both men and women:

One-size-education does not fit all. On average, boys are more active, more competitive, and more interested in a book about cars than one about girls processing feelings. Ninety-two percent of U.S elementary school teachers are women, the highest percentage on record. So special efforts must be made to ensure that the education needs of both boys and girls are met.

The male/female ratio in college now approaches 40/60. With a college degree so essential, this ratio consigns the next generation of men to second-class citizenship. Efforts to recruit and retain underachieving men should be undertaken. And to set aside scholarships for women when far more women are obtaining degrees is as wrong as it would be to set aside scholarships for whites when blacks are underrepresented in college. When male prospective or enrolled college students see endless programs and curriculum for women and none for men (who struggle more in school,) men understandably feel unwelcome.

Encourage men to consider the full range of life choices that women do. Society conditions men to feel they must be the primary breadwinner. That often precludes them from pursuing the less remunerative but more appealing careers that many women feel free to pursue: teacher, artist, librarian, writer, etc. Warren Farrell, author of The Myth of Male Power, explains:
We perceive men who earn more money as having privilege but we are blind to dads who sacrifice their own dreams because earning more, even if the job is disdainful (e.g., traveling widget salesman) better helps their children live their dreams. When we view men's higher earnings only as discrimination against women, our anger blinds us to his mid-life crisis when he realizes he will never be the writer or artist he once hoped to be. And more important, it blinds us to how his love for his wife and children made him make the enormous sacrifice of giving up his dreams. In turn, our blindness deepens his crisis of meaning and often, his depression or anger.
Men, you have the right to be more than a beast of burden, the right to have open-non-manipulative discussions with your spouse about such issues. Each couple should decide for themselves, without gender-based expectations, the appropriate division of income-earning and domestic responsibilities.

Similarly, men and women should be equally encouraged to be "brave" or not to be: to serve in combat, to take dangerous jobs. Today 92% of workplace deaths and 99% of battlefield deaths occur to men. It is unfair that men assume such a disproportionate percentage of that risk.

Fund gender-specific health care research and outreach in proportion to the need. Just as programs for women and minorities were created to redress inequities, it's only fair to do the same for men, especially when men suffer the ultimate deficit, they die younger and live their last decade in worse health. It's no more valid to let men die because they're reluctant to go to the doctor than it is to let minorities die because they too are less likely to go to the doctor.

The media, schools, and colleges must treat men fairly. Any boy growing up today is bombarded with endless media messages that he's inferior. Just as it was wrong when women were so often portrayed as hyperemotional housewives, two wrongs don't make a right. Role modeling matters, so we have an obligation to portray both sexes fairly. That requires standing up to hard-line feminists in power who will assert (unfairly as this article has documented) that "it's still a man's world" and that reeducation is required.

Men should have the right to organize. There are many powerful women's advocacy organizations. For example, NOW, AAUW, and Catalyst have enormous influence on the media and, in turn, on us and on public and corporate policy. Countless women's professional associations exist so "sisters can help sisters." As the above statistics confirm, men now need support too. They should not be embarrassed from, let alone precluded from organizing.

Men need job retraining. The mancession occurred in part because male-centric careers such as manufacturing and construction have been heavily hit while female-centric fields such as teaching, social work, and government office jobs have remained stable. Men need support in replacing their rusty hammers with new skills. Too, full-time and part-time parenting also deserve to be fully valued in the male work repertoire.

Men deserve more respect from women. For three generations now, the message is that women get a raw deal from men. Statements like "women need men like fish need bicycles" and "Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them" are less funny than they are dispiriting to men and boys, just as sexist jokes against women are inappropriate. Please set aside hard-line feminist activists' overheated rhetoric and think dispassionately about the men you know. For every butt-scratching, beer guzzling, sleazebag guy, aren't there more hardworking, honest, good men? Just because a man chooses to be task-oriented and to give advice rather than to process feelings doesn't make him inferior, even if he does scratch his butt occasionally. Give men the respect their deserve.

Conclusion
Twenty-five years ago, when I began as a college and career counselor, both sexes were equally confident about their futures. Today, most of the girls and women I see are optimistic while far more males are dispirited or angry. We cannot afford to sacrifice half the next generation, not only for their sake but for all of us--We are their mothers, daughters, coworkers, and fellow citizens.

Dr. Nemko is Co-President of the National Organization for Men. The San Francisco Bay Guardian named Marty Nemko "The Bay Area's Best Career Coach." He is Contributing Editor for career issues at U.S. News & World Report. 600+ of his published articles are free on www.martynemko.com.

]]> Men's Issues MartyNemko-1594 Shark Soup: A Play About Corporate America: Getting Fired. Hired, and Giving it the Finger http://www.martynemko.com/articles/shark-soup-play-about-corporate-america-getting-fired-hired-and-giving-it-finger_id1593 Shark Soup

A play about getting fired, hired, and giving the finger to Corporate America

by Marty Nemko

510-655-2777, mnemko@comcast.net

Cast of Characters

Annie Michaels, 45ish, is a product director in the instant soup division of FFS Foods. At work, she looks and acts corporate but there's more to her.


David, 50ish, her husband, an artist who can't handle a straight job. He's had cancer.

Jessica, their daughter, 18, hated high school, except for acting in plays. She represses fear about her future by saying, "I'll figure it out in college." She's social and in an experimenting phase.


Michelle, 40ish, an African-American, is Annie's boss. She is harder-driving than Annie, betting that aggressively playing the Corporate Game is worth the compromises.

Willie, 40ish, Michelle's ex-husband. A coke-snorting dandy. All talk.

James. Vice-President of Dry Soup Product Development for Unibrands is the quintessential corporate executive, his bottom-lineness concealed by a restrained demeanor, except when it comes to the love of his life: his dog, Chainsaw.

(if a dog is available) Chainsaw, a tiny, cutesy dog.

ACT I

SCENE 1

It's the Michaels family's middle-class condo. The living room is notable only for the walls covered with original but clearly bad modern paintings. The sofa could stand replacing.

Half of the dining room table functions as a desk: papers stacked and a laptop computer.

Adjacent to the living room, UL, is a kitchen with an island. The door to Annie's and David's bedroom is UC, Jessica's UR. Outside the front door is a porch.

(DAVID, in the all-black artist's "uniform" vomits into the kitchen sink, groans in pain, removes a tiny teddy bear from his pocket and squeezes it, removes his shirt revealing an ostomy bag, and holds his belly. He hears the door opening, suppresses his groans, returns the teddy bear to his pocket, and ducks behind the island.

JESSICA bops in wearing a graduation cap and gown, holding her iPhone and wearing a hands-free device.

She tosses off the cap and gown to reveal a short skirt and bare-midriff top. Her midriff bears a heart tattoo: "Darnell & Jessica 4 Ever."

She throws herself on the sofa, whips out a joint from her tampon holder, and lights up.)

JESSICA

(into her phone)

Of course, I love you...Darnell means nothing to me...Now don't get pissy...You want me to come over?...Mmmm...No, you can't come here. My stupid parents will be here soon...Sure. How about now?...Do I really have to wait an hour?.. Be ready for me...Bye Emily.

(JESSICA enjoys her joint, getting high, finds a six-pack of 100-calorie-each chocolate bars, stacks all six and is about to chomp when DAVID emits a groan.

JESSICA spits on the joint to extinguish it and hides it in her graduation gown.

JESSICA

Dad? Mom?

DAVID stands up.

DAVID

You shouldn't be smoking.

JESSICA

Look who's talking...Hey, why do you have your shirt off?

DAVID

Just cleaning out the bag.

JESSICA

You do that in the bathroo--

DAVID doubles over in pain. JESSICA rushes to him.

JESSICA

What's wrong?! Should I call Dr. Gold? Take you to the emergency room?

DAVID

It's nothing. I probably just didn't clean it out soon enough.

JESSICA

What do you mean probably? Are you sick again?

DAVID has another paroxysm of pain.

JESSICA

Let's get in the car.

DAVID

I'll be all right.

JESSICA

Daddy!

(They hear the sound of the front door unlocking.)

DAVID

(whispering)

Don't tell her!

JESSICA

If you swear you're going to the doctor today! Swear!

DAVID

(Joking through his pain)

If I can tell mom about Emily.

(DAVID nods.)

ANNIE, in a business suit, strides in and notices the smell of marijuana, but not David's pain, which fades out over the following page.

ANNIE

On your graduation day?!

JESSICA

(giggling)

What?

DAVID

You really shouldn't smoke so much.

ANNIE

This is how you're starting your future?

JESSICA

I'll figure it out in college.

ANNIE

Yeah, Duncan Community College, land of figuring things out.

JESSICA

You're right. I shouldn't go. I can figure things out on the road trip.

ANNIE

You're not going. David, tell her she's not going...David, is anything wrong?

DAVID

I'm fine. Jessica, you're not going.

JESSICA

You just don't want me to be with Darnell.

ANNIE

It has nothing to do with that.

JESSICA

If he were white--

ANNIE

Gimme a break!

JESSICA

Besides, Emily will be there.

ANNIE

Really?

JESSICA

Absolutely.

ANNIE

She'll keep you in line. I like Emily.

JESSICA

So do I. So can I go?

(ANNIE makes a face of reluctant assent.)

JESSICA

I'm going over to Emily's now.

ANNIE

You sure not Darnell's?

JESSICA

I swear.

DAVID

Say hi to Emily for me.

JESSICA

I will.

DAVID

And thank you, Jessica.

JESSICA stares at DAVID while fondling her phone. She hugs ANNIE.

JESSICA

I love it. I'm done!

(JESSICA dons her headphones, presses "play" on her iPhone, and bops out.)

ANNIE

Our little scholar. It's a miracle they let her graduate: caught smoking dope, caught cheating, she did five minutes of homework a night, got A's on crappy term papers she threw together last minute--grade inflation. Instead of punishing her for procrastinating, they rewarded it. The schools are disgusting.

DAVID

(his pain now fully subsided)

This sofa is disgusting, not to mention it has no style.

ANNIE

Get a job and you can buy all the sofas you want.

DAVID

Every time I get a straight job, I puke. I'm an--

ANNIE

Yeah, I know: You're an artist. An artiste. An artiste who hasn't made enough from artisteing to even pay back his student loans.

DAVID

The damn art college kept parading graduates who were making serious money.

ANNIE

Yeah, a parade of three. Somehow, they didn't parade the thousands making minimum wage at art supply stores.

DAVID

I'm going to do more craft fairs this summer.

(DAVID points to a painting on the wall.)

DAVID

(Cont'd)

I'll bet I can get $1,000 for this one.

ANNIE

What's the most you ever got for a painting?

DAVID

That's not fair. I haven't marketed them well.

ANNIE

And now you're going to turn into P.T. Barnum?

DAVID

Stop it!

ANNIE

I won't stop it. You haven't made more than $1,000 a year from your stup--

DAVID

What did you say?

ANNIE

--from your stupid art.

DAVID

You think my art is stupid?!!

ANNIE

I'm sorry, David. Really. I'm feeling a lot of pressure: your MFA loan, my MBA loan, college for our little Einstein, the damn health premium surcharge--

DAVID

Can I help it if I have, had cancer?...I will work on marketing. I've got a copy of Selling Art for Dummies. I'm going to follow it.

ANNIE

That's what you always say.

DAVID

How can I succeed when you always put me down?!

ANNIE

David, what happens if the economy doesn't recover and I lose my job? The lost money! The health insurance!

DAVID

You're not going to lose your job. Stop pressuring me!

ANNIE

I pressure you, you do nothing. I don't pressure you, you do nothing. You're driving me crazy!

DAVID

Then why am I here?

(DAVID storms out onto the porch. He hugs his teddy bear.)

ANNIE comes out. David hides his teddy bear.)

DAVID

Get out of here.

(ANNIE, trying to make up, hugs him sensuously.)

DAVID

I'm sorry I'm not a cash cow.

ANNIE

(punctuating each phrase with a kiss)

You're my best friend, you're a terrible cook, and you have a helluva love machine.

(ANNIE kisses DAVID deeply.)

DAVID

I'm not just a cock...(melting) And you're my best friend, you're the world's best cook, and you have a helluva...corporate image.

(ANNIE tickles DAVID. They giggle and kiss.)

ANNIE

I gotta prepare to pitch Michelle tomorrow on a shark-fin soup. Disgusting stuff.

DAVID

That's my Corporate Annie!

ANNIE

It should only take a few minutes.

DAVID

Whaddya say, after you finish, I show you my helluva love machine?

ANNIE

As long as I can show you my helluva vulva.

DAVID

I'll see you in the bedroom.

(ANNIE and DAVID giggle and kiss. They reenter the condo. David pulls his cell phone from his pocket and strides into his bedroom. Annie sits at her desk.

From her briefcase, Annie retrieves a bright-colored file folder labeled "Shark Fin" and a Campbell-soup-sized can with a label that reads,"SouperFast Shark-Fin Soup." and the photograph above, which can be found at: http://teleburst.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/shark-soup.jpg.

She places the can on the table, squeezes on it while counting to five. She nods, satisfied.

She retrieves a typed page from the file folder, glances at it, then looks away from it.)

ANNIE

(practicing her spiel, hesitatingly)

Shark fin soup is a prized delicacy. No less that the founder of famous restaurant Chez Panisse Alice Waters said that for her last meal, she’d want shark fin soup.

(ANNIE looks at the page then turns away.)

ANNIE

(more confidently)

Shark fin soup is a prized delicacy. No less that the founder of Chez Panisse Alice Waters said that for her last meal, she’d want shark fin soup.

(ANNIE preens in front of the mirror and heads for the bedroom.)

Blackout, lights up, the coffee pot is half-filled with coffee.

ANNIE is bleary-eyed, in a sexy nightgown, and back at preparing for the presentation.)

ANNIE

It's actually cartiplate. No. (She looks down at the typed page and then away.) It's actually cartilaginous platenet. No. (She looks down at the page and then away.) It's actually cartilaginous platelet of shark's fin. That's it.

(ANNIE returns the can and folder to her briefcase, throws a dress on, runs a comb through her hair, throws lipstick on, grabs a cup of coffee and her briefcase, and runs out the door.)

[END OF SCENE}


SCENE 2

It's a director-level corporate office, unusual only in being festooned with a garish poster displaying two dozen SouperFast canned soups that are identical except for the soup's name (e.g., chicken noodle, tomato)--for example, www.artfagcity.com/wordpress_core/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/campbells_soup_cans_moma_reduced_80.jpg. The wall also displays two 11x14 photos: one of Michelle, her husband, and two children smiling on the ski slopes, the other with the happy family in front of their new Lexus SUV with a big red ribbon on it.

(MICHELLE, dressed and coiffed in Corporate Perfect, is at her desk talking with WILLIE, her ex-husband, buzzing on cocaine, wearing a stained, not fully tucked-in shirt.)

MICHELLE

No, you cannot come with us! Get yo blow-snortin' butt out of here.

WILLIE

But baby. Please. Let me come. I swear I am through with that shit...I'm gonna look for a job now, I swear. Maybe right here at Souperfast.

MICHELLE

Oh great.

WILLIE

I'm gonna get one. A real good one. Just like the old days.

MICHELLE

Can't you come up with something more original?

WILLIE

I want to be there for my kids. I do. I swear. I know I was wrong. Real wrong. I don't want to be one of those bad daddies. You don't want your kids to grow up without their daddy. You know they say kids who grow up with a single parent--

MICHELLE

Don't you play the children card again with me, Willie Robinson. You have screwed-up the kids from here to Kinshasa and I'm not letting you get within a mile of them. You get your coked-up butt outta here.

MICHELLE looks up a phone number, puts on a phone headset, and calls a ten-digit number.

MICHELLE

(speaking with a white middle-American accent)

Hello, Congo Air. I need three tickets--

WILLIE

Four? Please?

MICHELLE

(covering the phone's microphone)

Get out of here! Now! How dare you try to see me again, let alone here!, let alone messed up, as usual.

Twitching, WILLIE buzzes out the door.

MICHELLE

(into the phone)

I need three round-trip tickets from San Francisco to Kinshasa 13 July returning 27 July...All with my frequent flyer miles. How many will that cost me?...Two million?...Isn't there a way it could cost me less?...Great. That'll still leave me a million.

(There's a knock on the door.)

MICHELLE

(calling out)

I'm betting it's my Annie. Come in. (into the phone) Anything else you need?...Great. Thanks.

(MICHELLE hangs up the phone. ANNIE opens the door, tired, nervous.)

ANNIE

Right you are, as usual.

MICHELLE

You look a little tired. You weren't up all night preparing for this?

ANNIE

Uh, not at all. The coffee hasn't kicked in yet, that's all.

MICHELLE

Please sit--My office is your office.

ANNIE

(smiling)

I wish it were. I mean, I wish my workspace were this nice.

MICHELLE

You'll get out of the cube farm.

ANNIE

Really?

MICHELLE

Uh, we just have to wait for a time it won't ruffle too many feathers...How'd the graduation go?

ANNIE

She celebrated in her usual way: with a joint. Then she said she was going over to her friend Emily's house but I think she went over for some hanky and lots of panky at Darnell's.

MICHELLE

I didn't know her boyfriend was African-American.

ANNIE

Why should it matter?

MICHELLE

Right.

ANNIE

How's your family?

MICHELLE

Fine. Just fine...We're planning a family trip to Africa. You know, kind of a back-to the-roots thing.

ANNIE

Great!

MICHELLE

We are travel junkies. So fun experiencing different cultures. Well, ready to go?

ANNIE

Sure.

(ANNIE pulls the soup can and a plastic bag from her briefcase and places both on the desk.)

ANNIE

(holding up the can)

Of course, this is just a mockup but it gives you the idea.

MICHELLE

Nice photo--Talk about exciting the customer--quite biting!

ANNIE

(groan) Of course, the real label will have a shot of the product, prepped by the food stylists, and photoshopped.

MICHELLE

Just be sure to run it by Legal--I don't need another false-advertising suit. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's hear the pitch.

ANNIE

Okay. Shark fin soup is a prized delicacy. No less that the founder of famous restaurant Chez Panisse chef Alice Waters said that for her last meal, she’d want shark fin soup. And Marketing found that the average person spends a lot per bowl. That makes it a perfect opportunity for SouperFast.

MICHELLE

Yeah but we too will have to pay a lot for shark fin. The damn enviros are making it more expensive every day.

ANNIE

No problem. Supply chain found a source in Vietnam that sells cartilaginous platelet of shark fin for just $900 a ton. That's just eight cents a can and Market Research says we can get four bucks per.

MICHELLE

What is cartila--?

ANNIE

Cartilaginous platelet of shark fin. It's unclear whether that's actually shark fin or shark lip but Legal says it's close enough that the FTC won't bother us. And if some foodie sues us, our lawyers will bomb him with enough demands for information that our exposure should be minimal.

MICHELLE

Don't the enviros have a thing about using shark fin at all? We'd be using tons of it.

(ANNIE pulls out her file folder.)

ANNIE

Why don't we just leave out the word "fin" and call it Shark Soup?

MICHELLE

Shark soup? We'd sell about two cans.

ANNIE

You're right. And you're right about the enviros hating shark fin harvesting. There's this website: stopsharkfinning.net.(reading:) "If you're concerned about the plight of sharks"--

MICHELLE

The plight of sharks?!

ANNIE

(Cont'd)

--If you're concerned about the plight of sharks, which are more vulnerable than ever--

MICHELLE

Poor sharky-poos.

ANNIE

...click here to donate, click here to find the nearest protest."

MICHELLE

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If we green-light the soup...

(Annie takes notes on her laptop computer.)

MICHELLE

(Cont'd)

--we make a donation to stopsharkfinning.net. We ask for their input. (with feigned caring:) "We want to be as humane as possible to the sharks." (back to normal voice.) If their harvesting method costs us more than, say, another penny a can, we ignore 'em. If they bitch, we tell them, in the nicest way possible, (feigned caring voice:) "We tried like hell to use your method but it just wasn't feasible." (back to normal voice:) They'll probably go on to harass someone who wasn't so nice to them...Let's taste this puppy.

ANNIE

Can I give you a little more info first?

MICHELLE

I've got another meeting in ten minutes.

ANNIE

I'll make it fast. Because our profit per unit will be about $2.00 net!, we can afford to add a self-heating mechanism to each unit, as a pilot test. If it works, we can expand it to the entire SouperFast line. It's cheap--just six cents a unit.

MICHELLE

How's it going to work, Sterno?

ANNIE

Same technology as those heat wraps for aching muscles. You just squeeze the can for five seconds.

MICHELLE

That'll make the soup hot?

ANNIE

Just lukewarm but R&D says that by adding certain chemicals to the soup along with hot pepper, the customer will perceive it as hot.

MICHELLE

(writing a note to herself)

Email an attaboy and attagirl to R&D....What about meat and vegetables?

ANNIE

R&D says freeze-dried meat will work and marketing says our target demo doesn't give a shit about vegetables.

MICHELLE

This thing sounds like quite the taste sensation. Let me try it.

ANNIE

Don't expect haute cuisine.

(From her desk, MICHELLE pulls an elegant sterling silver soup spoon and a beautiful bone china soup bowl emblazoned with the SouperFast logo.

ANNIE squeezes the soup can while counting to five. She pulls off its pop top and, as a frou-frou waiter might, artfully pours the soup into the bowl.

Michelle tastes it. She tries to hide her dislike for it, not altogether successfully.)

MICHELLE

Uh, good first draft. Annie, I appreciate what you've put together here. I'll get back to you on this. Oh and give my congratulations to...Oh I'm sorry: What's your daughter's name again?

ANNIE

Jessica.

MICHELLE

Oh of course. Jessica.

ANNIE

Thank you, Michelle.

MICHELLE

You're most welcome.

(ANNIE gathers the can, puts it in the plastic bag she had in her briefcase, and strides out. Just outside the door, she stares at the can, fires it against the wall, and cries.)

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 3

It's Michelle's office.

(There's a knock at the door. MICHELLE opens the door to find ANNIE.)

MICHELLE

Thank you for coming in.

ANNIE

Why so formal all of a sudden?

MICHELLE

Annie, this is the most diffi---

ANNIE

You're firing me?!

MICHELLE

...If you like, instead of firing you, we can lay you off so you can collect unemploy--

ANNIE

You're firing me!

MICHELLE

Believe me, I--

ANNIE

You've given me good evaluations! Is this because you hated the fucking soup?

MICHELLE

Did you really think anyone would eat that shit?

ANNIE

They eat Lipton's, Twinkies. They eat Spam, for God's sake!

MICHELLE

SouperFast doesn't benchmark downward.

ANNIE

I hated the soup too. It took on a life of its own: Supply Chain, R&D, Marketing, Accounting, Market Research, Legal--they all did all that work. I didn't feel I could nix it without presenting it to you.

MICHELLE

Yes you could. That's why you are a director.

ANNIE

Were.

MICHELLE

Right.

ANNIE

You're firing me because you didn't like one prototype soup?

MICHELLE

...No.

ANNIE

What?

MICHELLE

A couple of your coworkers complain you're always dancing out of here at 3 or 4 to drive your kid somewhere or to work on your kid's plays.

ANNIE

That's only like once a week for six weeks, maybe twice a year! They need a costumer, help building sets. I love doing that. I put in plenty of overtime. Like I did stay up all night on that fucking presentation! Men. They have no sense of balance, family.

MICHELLE

It was two guys and a woman.

ANNIE

You're supposed to be my friend and you're firing me because of a can of soup and because, after working 40, 45 hours a week, I want to be a decent mother?

MICHELLE

You want it straight? The numbers for your products have been just average and you're expensive because you've been with the company a long time.

ANNIE

Sounds like age discrimination, Michelle.

MICHELLE

Stop it.

ANNIE

No, really. Next, you're going to say you're dumping me so you can add some color.

MICHELLE

Stop it!!

ANNIE

That's awfully defensive. Dost thou protest too much, Michelle, Ms. Back-to-Africa?!

MICHELLE

Ms. Michaels, you need to report to HR. I will let them know you will receive the standard severance package: two weeks salary plus two months health care coverage--if you sign the agreement not to sue for wrongful termination. And I will fire you, not lay you off. That's better for you anyway. If you got unemployment, you'd probably sit on your ass for 79 weeks.

ANNIE

Fuck you...Something else is going on. As soon as I mentioned the color thing---

MICHELLE

Nothing is going on.

ANNIE

You're lying.

MICHELLE

...Fine. The color thing is not the reason...But, as your friend, I'll say it because you pushed me to: The Diversity Committee has pointed out that whites have been underrepresented in layoffs and--

ANNIE

I am going to sue your ass!

(ANNIE storms out. MICHELLE cries.)

[END OF SCENE]


SCENE 4

It's Michelle's office.

MICHELLE is at her desk. WILLIE, perfectly dressed, in a suit, sits across from her.

MICHELLE

I don't believe you.

WILLIE

Here it is.

WILLIE hands her a letter.

MICHELLE

FFS letterhead? (reading:) Dear Mr. Robinson, We are pleased to offer you the position of warehouse foreman. Your previous experience and your enthusiasm were persuasive. It also didn't hurt that you were married to one of our respected employees.

MICHELLE

I don't believe this.

WILLIE

Baby, I told you I was turning it around.

MICHELLE

My reputation is going to stand and fall on you?! I'm calling HR right now and have them make you take a drug test.

WILLIE

You can call 'em all you like. I haven't done a line in two weeks. I swear, baby, I am through with snow. It has melted right out of my life. Please baby, this is my last chance. My next stop is the shelter. I done all kind of bad but a man's gotta have hope. I'm not asking to move back in or nothin'. You don't want me to be homeless, now do you?

MICHELLE

Good luck, Willie. I'm prayin' for you...and me.

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 5

We're back in the Michaels' condo.

(On the kitchen island, ANNIE, drunk, with an almost empty bottle of cheap champagne beside her, finishes rolling out cookie dough. Using the cookie cutters from a set such as this (http://cp32.heritagewebdesign.com/~swshapes/cart/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=34_97&products_id=161&zenid=68088cef95eec8392648f81f8dcb3373), she cuts out a diploma cookie and hangs it on the wall with a push pin.

She cuts out a mortarboard cookie and hangs it. She cuts out the number 2 and hangs it.

Through the scene, the cookies slowly elongate. (Note: experiment with the amount of water or butter in the dough to ensure the cookies look quite distorted after one minute.)

JESSICA bops in.)

JESSICA

Hey, Emily keeps asking if I'm going on the road trip. (Jessica notices the cookies.) What the hell?

ANNIE

(drunk)

It's your graduation. Shouldn't we celebrate?

(ANNIE cuts and hangs a "0" next to the "2.")

JESSICA

What are you doing?

ANNIE

Graduation only comes once in a lifetime...especially for you.

JESSICA

Stop it. I'm going to community college.

(ANNIE cuts and hangs a "1" next to the "0). She cuts and hangs a "0 next to the "1" to make "2010.")

JESSICA

What's wrong?

ANNIE

Nothing. I like to bake.

JESSICA

You hate to bake.

ANNIE

People change.

(DAVID plods in.)

DAVID

What the hell?

JESSICA

She's taken up baking.

DAVID

Cool. Graduation cookies a la Modigliani.

(ANNIE breaks down.)

ANNIE

I'm never going to work again!

DAVID

You quit?

ANNIE

They fired me. Michelle fired me.

DAVID and JESSICA

(overlapping)

No! You're kidding? It can't be!, etc.

ANNIE

I'm going to sue SouperFast's sorry ass. I'll get millions--I'll never have to work again.

DAVID

Stop it. Those lawsuits never work. They cost a fortune, they're exhausting, and in the end, their lawyers will torture you, drag it out until you're broke and you give up.

ANNIE

People win millions all the time.

DAVID

Yeah and 1,000 times as many wish to God they didn't sue. Are you sure it was discrimination?

ANNIE

...I dunno.

DAVID

You've got to snap out of it, Annie! If you need to, go back to the therapist.

ANNIE

Fuck the therapist. I've seen three--all "therapist's therapists." And all I got was an excuse--"It's your parents' fault,"--but my life's no better. Mainly they just say nice things to you so you keep writing checks to Dr. Freudenstein.

DAVID

We can't afford you to be out of work. We've got no money, and the health care--

ANNIE

They give us two months, then COBRA.

DAVID

Two months?!! Please, I never know when I'll have a reoccurrence.

ANNIE

You're not going to have a reoccurrence. Why is it always about you?!

DAVID

I can't take this any more. You don't care a bit about me.

ANNIE

I lose my job: my income--our savings are thinner than this sofa cushion--Give me your credit card, Jessica! We're just paying the monthly minimums, a fortune in interest. Interest on the interest!

JESSICA

No!

DAVID

(giving Jessica a knowing glance)

Just for now.

(JESSICA gives the credit card to her.)

ANNIE

I've lost my routine, my place to go every day, my friends at work--Michelle's quite the friend--No more "Hey, let's get a drink after work?" No "Tell me who's flirting with whom." They're all gonna go on just fine without me. And there I am, home, with nothing to do except be the maid. A big part of me has just died and all you can think about is you?

DAVID

I'm sorry.

(DAVID hugs ANNIE, and in his arms, she sobs. Unseen by Annie, JESSICA consoles DAVID.)

JESSICA

Maybe this is a good time to follow your dreams.

ANNIE

What dreams?

JESSICA

Maybe that's the problem.

ANNIE

We have a mortgage to pay, a big health insurance premium, you in college. Dreams don't pay. Jobs pay.

JESSICA

Look at Oprah. Bill Gates. Madonna. See, I know people from your generation.

ANNIE

You see me as the next Oprah? The next Bill Gates? The next Madonna?

ANNIE grabs her middle-aged belly. DAVID crosses his arms across his belly.

JESSICA

But what's your dream?

ANNIE

Yeah I'd like to work for a nonprofit but they pay you zippo, at most, McWages, because they expect you to give it all for The Cause. Do what you love and you'll starve.

DAVID

That's why the words starving and artist always go together.

JESSICA

Not everyone in nonprofits starve.

ANNIE

Do you want to risk losing our condo, not having health insurance, not being able to afford to send you to college.

JESSICA

Fine with me.

ANNIE

...You're right. I need to look for a job. I'll look for soup jobs and nonprofit jobs. But what if it takes months? A lot of people today take a year, or more?!

DAVID

I'll help you.

ANNIE

You're going to help me for a year?! You can't job-hunt for two minutes!

DAVID

It's different when I'm doing it for someone else. For you.

ANNIE

I haven't looked for a job in 15 years. I'm afraid I'm not marketable. I fooled myself into thinking I'd have my job forever so I haven't really kept up, my network sucks, I don't even have a resume. What am I going to tell my friends? My parents? Before, I could say, "I'm a director at SouperFast." Now what do I say: "I left to be a consultant?' That reeks, "She's lying. She's unemployed!" I'm fucking unemployed! Damaged goods?!!

DAVID

I heard someone who got fired say, "I decided to go portfolio." That sounds cool.

ANNIE

I don't even have one career. I'm supposed to make up four?

DAVID

Why not?... How about, "I'm between jobs."

ANNIE

I'm not "between jobs?" Between jobs means you'll get another one. (screaming) Damn. Damn! Damn!!

JESSICA

Hey, watch that. I'm this family's designated screamer.

DAVID

And I'm going to be your designated taskmaster, your loving taskmaster.

(DAVID hugs ANNIE. JESSICA joins in. Jessica plods out the front door and onto the porch. She pushes buttons on her iPhone.)

JESSICA

Emily, you're not going to believe this. My mother was just fired!...She says it may be because she's white. That's total bullshit--easier to blame it on that. Hasn't she ever heard of White Privilege?...She's gone nuts. (imitating Annie:) "I'll never work again. I'll sue their sorry asses"...(back to her normal voice:) She took my damn credit card!...Yes that is the worst thing. Except maybe that we may have to sell the condo. Oh and there's the health insurance thing, my father, you know? (whispering) cancer. It may have come back...Can I come over? I could really use a hug...I'll be there in five minutes. Love ya, soooh much.

DAVID opens to the door to the porch.

JESSICA

(whispering)

Gotta go.

JESSICA hangs up.

JESSICA

(to David)

So, did you see Dr. Gold?

DAVID

How's Emily?

JESSICA

Stop it. Did you go?

DAVID

With a girl, Jessica?

JESSICA

Stop it! Did you go, Daddy?!

DAVID

It's fine. He said it's probably nothing.

JESSICA

Probably?

DAVID

He thought it might be worth doing exploratory surgery.

JESSICA

Exploratory surgery?! They couldn't just look through the hole?

DAVID

That's how they'd do it but it would still require general anesthesia, so I said no.

JESSICA

No one dies of anesthesia. They die of cancer that spread. Daddy, you gotta do it.

DAVID

Over 100,000 people die every year because of medical errors. Plus zillions more get sicker.

JESSICA

You have to do it. (She breaks down.) I don't want to lose my daddy.

DAVID hugs her.

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 6

DAVID, ANNIE, and JESSICA sit around the dining table/desk.

DAVID

Good. Resume's done.

(DAVID and JESSICA kiss and hug ANNIE.)

DAVID

(Cont'd)

Now just the cover letter.

ANNIE

Just.

DAVID

Stop it. Read the job announcement.

ANNIE

I've read it ten times.

DAVID

Read it again--the cover letter has to prove you're the perfect fit for the job.

(ANNIE takes the job announcement. JESSICA grabs it.)

JESSICA

I'll read it.(hesitantly. She's a poor reader:)

"The ..." What's that say?

ANNIE

Phalanx.

JESSICA

What does that mean?

ANNIE

I told you you should have studied more--

JESSICA

Gimme a break.

ANNIE

It's a line of warriors with big spears.

JESSICA

I like my warriors with big spears.

ANNIE

Stop it. Go on reading.

JESSICA

"The Phalanx Sanitary Supply Company--

DAVID

Why does a bathroom supply company name itself after warriors with big spears?

JESSICA

Maybe it's just men's bathrooms.

DAVID

Sure it says Phalanx Sanitary, not Phallus Sanitary?

ANNIE grabs the job announcement.

ANNIE

(reading)

Phalanx, a sanitary supply company seeks a product manager to cover Modesto to Fresno."

DAVID

Are you sure you want to apply for this?

ANNIE

Yes, I'm sure. (Her words say yes; her face says no.)

ANNIE

(reading what she types into the computer)

I'm delighted to have seen your job listing #4365A on Monster.com for a product manager. While I have no direct experience--

DAVID

You never want to say anything negative.

ANNIE

(reading what she types into the computer)

My experience at FFS Foods makes me uniquely qualified--

DAVID

That's better.

JESSICA

Don't make me puke.

ANNIE

That's the game. You gotta play it.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I believe in exceeding customer expectations, being a team player, delighting the--

JESSICA

This cannot be how you get a job.

ANNIE

Okay, maybe that was a bit much.

JESSICA

How about telling the truth?

DAVID

Ah, youthful idealism.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

Okay, I'll tell them the truth: I was an average employee, I'm getting old, and I'm white. To make matters worse, I proposed a canned soup that tastes like your sanitary products.

JESSICA

Not that honest.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I have consistently received strong evaluations but the company has decided to move in a different direction.

DAVID

Now that sounds like total bullshit.

ANNIE

It is total bullshit. That's the game.

DAVID

No. The game is bullshit that doesn't sound like bullshit.

JESSICA

Phalanx is in the shit business.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

While I've had a consistent record of success at FFS Foods, my current boss and I have a bit of a personality conflict.

DAVID

Maybe they'll accept that.

ANNIE

I have a longstanding interest in sanitary products--

(JESSICA makes the sound of a quiz show "wrong answer" buzzer.)

JESSICA

Now that's honest. The pope should nominate you for sainthood. Saint Pinocchio.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I believe my organizational skills, work ethic, and ability to get along with diverse coworkers--

JESSICA

You just said you had a conflict with your boss.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

Nearly all of my diverse coworkers like me... Liked me.

(ANNIE slams her fist against the table.)

DAVID

You'll get another job.

JESSICA

They'll be lucky to have you.

ANNIE

All of a sudden, I'm Mom of the Year. It's like when someone dies, they suddenly become--

(DAVID'S face drops.)

ANNIE

I'm sorry. You're not dying. The doctor says there's no detectable cancer--

DAVID

Detectable. Today.

ANNIE

You're gonna live forever... All right, let me get this piece of shit done.(reading what she types:) My resume is attached.

JESSICA

"My resume is attached?" Do you have to use that pissy language? No one ever uses the passive voice.

DAVID

See? She did learn something in high school.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I attach my resume...

DAVID

I can just see the employer thinking, "Oh how wonderful. You used the active voice--You're hired!"

ANNIE

You have no idea how shallowly decisions are made in Corporate America.

JESSICA

In school too. With women teachers, the more you kiss up, the higher your grade. With men teachers, the shorter your skirt--

DAVID

So that's why you wear them.

JESSICA

One reason.

ANNIE

Darnell.

JESSICA

...Emily.

ANNIE

Yeah, right. (finally getting it.) Are you a lesbian?

JESSICA.

(chickening out)

I was just joking.

ANNIE

Oh. I just thought maybe...I mean I didn't want to sound homophobic...and I mean you do talk so glowingly, giggly, about her.

JESSICA

Gimme a break.

ANNIE

(reading what she types)

I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely.

JESSICA

Great, mom.

DAVID

You're done. Yay. You should be proud of yourself.

ANNIE

Should I click "send?"

JESSICA

Do the dirty deed.

ANNIE

You sure it's good?

DAVID

Google-quality applicants don't apply to clean Fresno's toilets.

ANNIE

Thanks a lot.

(ANNIE clicks "send.")

DAVID

Should we pop one?

JESSICA

Great idea.

ANNIE

Sparkling cider for you.

JESSICA

Of course.

(JESSICA bops to the refrigerator, opens a bottle of Trader Joe's champagne and takes a slug.)

JESSICA

(holding out the bottle to Annie and David)

Who's next?

(Blackout. Lights up.)

Annie's exhausted.

ANNIE

(looking at her laptop screen)

72 applications, 78 phone calls. And what do I get? One interview request, one rejection, 12 thanks but no thanks, and 136 fucking no-responses. I've pitched myself 150 times!

DAVID

Well, you can view it as your glass 149/150th empty or 1/150th full.

ANNIE

I didn't even get a response from that toilet supply company!

JESSICA

Bathroom supply.

DAVID

Hey, would you get in gear? They'll be skyping you in a second. And it'll be a helluva lot better working for them than for a shithouse supply company.

JESSICA

Hey, I've never been in a men's bathroom. What are urinal supplies?

DAVID

At the base of the urinal, there's this plastic thing with a bullseye on it.

JESSICA

See? Would you rather sell pissing targets or save the whales?

ANNIE

You're right.

(ANNIE gets in lotus position, extends her arms outward, and takes deep breaths.)

JESSICA

You're not applying to a Buddhist monastery.

DAVID

You better not be.

ANNIE

I'm trying to calm down. I may never get another interview.

JESSICA

You'll do fine, mom.

ANNIE

(saying a mantra)

Please let me not suck. Please let me not suck. Please let me--

(The sound of an incoming SkypeVideo call is heard from her computer.)

ANNIE

Okay, show time.

(ANNIE positions herself in front of the laptop's camera.)

ANNIE

(to David and Jessica)

Out of the picture--They can see you!

JESSICA and DAVID scurry out of the frame.

(ANNIE clicks a key on her computer.)

ANNIE

(talking to the computer speaker and looking at the screen)

Good morning. I mean good afternoon.

DAVID

(whispering)

Fuck!

ANNIE waves him down.

BRENT (v.o.)

Hi, I'm Brent Kowalski, I'll be your interviewer today.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

He sounds like the waiter at Red Lobster: "Hi, I'm Brent and I'll be your server today. The specials are deep-friend halibut drizzled with an meyer-lemon-infused vinaigrette--

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Shh!

ANNIE

A pleasure to meet you.

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Does Skype count as "meeting?"

BRENT

A pleasure to meet you too. Are you ready?

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

What? Is she going to say: "No, I gotta change my tampon?"

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Shh!

BRENT

Well, tell me a little about yourself.

ANNIE

Well, I was born in Chicago.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

This is going to take until the whales molt.

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

Shut up!

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

This is very funny!

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

It won't be so funny if she doesn't get a job.

ANNIE

My father was a businessperson and my mother was--

BRENT

Maybe you could tell us why we should hire you?

ANNIE

Well, I've been a good employee--I've been at FFS Foods for 15 years, including two promotions--

BRENT

Have you ever worked for a nonprofit?

ANNIE

Oh, well, yes.

BRENT

What was your salary?

ANNIE

...It was volunteer work.

BRENT

I see. An environmental nonprofit?

ANNIE

The ASPCA.

BRENT

What did you do for them?

ANNIE

Oh, a little of everything.

BRENT

(joking)

Not clean the cages?!

ANNIE

Only when I had to fill in.

BRENT

I see...Well, I'm glad you were willing to do what it takes. When did you last work there?

ANNIE

It's been a while. I can't quite remember.

DAVID

(whispering to Annie)

Make up a date.

ANNIE

2005...or 6, I think...I've gotten very interested in fish rights.

BRENT

Whales are mammals.

ANNIE

Of course, but they're related. Kind of. Right? Anyway, in my work at FFS Foods, I developed an interest in protecting um sea life.

BRENT

Really.

ANNIE

You see, FFS Foods was thinking of introducing a shark fin soup but I did some research and found that the sharks were killed inhumanely.

BRENT

It's true. There should be a ban on harvesting sharks.

ANNIE

I totally agree.

DAVID

(whispering to JESSICA)

She was just pitching FFS foods to buy tons of shark fins.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

Be Kind to Sharks Week? This is what they're bonding about?

BRENT

Let's get back to your current job. Oh, I mean your most recent job. (Annie shrinks.) If you're as good as your cover letter and letter of reference say, how come they let you go?

ANNIE

Uh, the company just decided it, uh, wanted to go in a different direction.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

Back to the "different direction" shit?! It sounds like it came straight from a book on interviewing.

DAVID

(whispering to Jessica)

It did.

BRENT

I see. Your LinkedIn profile contains a reference from two of your coworkers but not from your boss. Why is that, Ms. Michaels?

ANNIE

Oh. Um, my boss and I had a bit of a personality conflict.

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

From the book?

DAVID nods.

BRENT

Oh yes--that's what you wrote on your cover letter. Well, Ms. Michaels, I think that's all we need. We'll be in touch.

ANNIE

Is there any reason you'd hesitate to hire me?

JESSICA

(whispering to David)

From the book?

DAVID nods.

BRENT

We'll be interviewing other candidates and we'll get back to you. Thanks so much for your interest in SaveTheWhales.com.

(Blackout, lights up. ANNIE, DAVID, and JESSICA are around the computer again. Annie stares at the screen.)

ANNIE

(reading what's on the screen)

Junk, junk, online bill, junk. Oh, here's one's from your alma mater wanting money.

DAVID

Junk.

ANNIE

Still no response from that sonofabitch savethewhales.com. I knew I wouldn't get the job but they don't have the decency to, after all that time applying, all that stress of the interview--

DAVID

And I'm sure their website says some crap about how people are their top priority.

ANNIE

(scrolling down the screen)

I'm sick and tired of--Oh my God! Unibrands. Unibrands! FFS Foods' major competitor!! A better company! A Fortune 75 company!! It's huge! Huge!! (She reads): "Dear Ms. Michaels, we are in receipt of your application for our position #4363B as director of new product development in our powdered-soup division. Your interview day will be on July 12 at 9 AM at our regional office in Montgomery, Alabama. Your day will consist of your making a ten-minute presentation of a new product idea for a powdered soup, an interview with me, and a simulation with another candidate. Please call my assistant, Sissy Brown regarding travel arrangements. We look forward to meeting you. Sincerely, James M. Underwood, Vice President, Powdered Soup Product Development, Unibrands, Inc.

DAVID

Alabama? We're going to have to live in Alabama?!

ANNIE

You were willing to move to Fresno. We don't, I mean I don't have the job yet.

JESSICA

In Alabama, aren't they mainly racist rednecks?

ANNIE

The South has changed a lot, I'm sure.

JESSICA

Yeah, they changed their white sheets for fresh ones.

ANNIE

It's just an interview. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Aren't you excited for me? Finally! I am going to get this job. I'm a perfect fit--it's just like what I've been doing for 15 years, and for FFS Foods' main competitor! They'll love that they stole me away... I guess they didn't exactly steal me away if I'm unemployed. Anyway, I really think I'm a lock. Who knows? Lots of people like living in the South. We've got to prepare for this interview. Can I count on your help?

DAVID

(half-heartedely)

Sure.

JESSICA

(quarter-heartedly)

Sure, mom.

ANNIE

I want to do a presentation on a line of locally produced, healthy soups.

JESSICA

You said they want you in charge of powdered soups.

ANNIE

That will be my presentation. How you can mass-produce a powdered soup that really is healthy, delicious, and affordable--and environmentally responsible.

DAVID

Now you're talking!

(Blackout. Lights up. They're bleary-eyed, exhausted.)

ANNIE

Thank you both--so much. I'm very excited about this. I do think the presentation will be good.

DAVID

It'll be fantastic!

JESSICA

Mom, you're awesome!

ANNIE

Mom is exhausted.

(ANNIE looks at the clock: 3:30 AM)

ANNIE

Bed!!!

(ANNIE, DAVID, and JESSICA hug and go to their bedrooms. Blackout. Lights up. The clock reads 9 AM. They're around the table. DAVID's head is buried in Interviewing for Morons.)

DAVID

It says that if you have the body language right, you're halfway home.

JESSICA

Corporations hire people because of their posture?!

ANNIE

And they fire people for less.

JESSICA

What's the right body language?

DAVID

(reading)

"Knock on the door firmly. When invited in, stride confidently, and wear a genuine, not phony smile.

JESSICA

The whole thing is phony.

DAVID

(reading)

Then thrust your hand out and shake confidently. Wait until you're asked to sit. Then lean slightly forward, and smile pleasantly.

(ANNIE smiles too broadly.)

JESSICA

It said pleasant, not psychotic.

DAVID

I took this course once in neurolinguistic programming. They said that to get someone to like you, all you have to do is mirror them: sit the way they do, speak the way they do.

ANNIE

What if it's a group interview?

DAVID

Uh, I guess you could mirror the person who asked you the question. Why don't we try it now. Okay. Jessica, you ask a question.

JESSICA

Do they have model questions in that book?

DAVID

Does swiss cheese have holes?

(DAVID hands JESSICA the book.)

JESSICA

Okay. (reading:) Tell me a little about yourself.

ANNIE

No I won't start with "I was born in Chicago," okay? Ever since I saw my mother trying to be supermom: work full time, be a good mother, cook for us, I became sensitized to the need for foods that would be quick and easy to prepare. So I was delighted to work for FFS Foods and was pleased to receive two promotions during my tenure there. I'm even more delighted at the prospect of applying my FFS Foods experience to the challenges of extending Unibrand's preeminence in the dry-soup space.

JESSICA

Holy shit!

DAVID

Is this my wife?

ANNIE

I speak fluent Corporate.

(JESSICA consults the book again.)

JESSICA

What's your greatest weakness?

(JESSICA splays herself across the sofa. ANNIE splays herself across the sofa.)

ANNIE

I'm too formal.

JESSICA

Be serious.

ANNIE.

Okay. I tend to work too hard. I need to learn to set limits.

JESSICA

That's the answer in the book!

ANNIE

That's the problem. I've asked that question to applicants and they all say that exact same thing.

JESSICA

I cannot believe this is how they hire in Corporate America.

ANNIE

How's this? I take my work seriously and when a supervisee makes a mistake, I can sometimes be a little impatient. I'm working on it though.

DAVID

That's the one they told me to say when I was interviewing for a job.

ANNIE

When have you interviewed for a job?

DAVID

When I was applying for a job at the art supply store.

JESSICA

Try it one more time. Is there anything you can say that's even marginally honest?

DAVID

"Marginally." I told you she learned a lot in high school.

ANNIE

Okay, third time's the charm: I've been getting ever more opportunities to forecast budgets. Each time, I'm getting feedback that's making me better and better.

JESSICA

That's not a weakness.

ANNIE

That's the idea. It sorta sounds like a weakness but it isn't really one.

DAVID

I think it'll work.

(JESSICA consults the book again.)

JESSICA

Okay. Remember the mirroring thing. (talking very fast:) Why do you have this long gap in your resume?

ANNIE

(talking very fast)

I can't think that fast. (talking normally:)I have no idea how to answer that.

DAVID

They might ask that. What would you say?

ANNIE

I took ten years off to raise Jessica?

DAVID

Oh that'll put you on top of the heap.

ANNIE

What am I supposed to say: I took time off to build the Burj Dubai?

JESSICA

What the hell is that?

DAVID

Gee and I was just saying you learned something in high school. It's the world's tallest building.

JESSICA

Who gives a shit.

ANNIE

What should I say?

DAVID

Say the volunteer stuff you did.

ANNIE

Back to cleaning shit at the ASPCA?

DAVID

No. Like you ran a fundraiser at Jessica's school.

ANNIE

Right. I ran a bake sale. Fine, I'll say, "Spearheaded a cost-effective revenue generation initiative for a publicly funded entity, yielding a 100% increase in revenues over the previous fiscal year."

DAVID

That's good.

ANNIE

Yeah, 100% more than nothing. It was their first bake sale.

DAVID

So what. It sounded very good.

JESSICA

Very Corporate America...Hey, I have a tip. In acting class, they told us if you want to seem genuine, don't speak until you've really taken in what the other person said. Sometimes that'll be before they even finish their sentence. Other times it could be ten seconds.

ANNIE

If I'm sitting there for ten seconds, won't they think I'm dumb?

JESSICA

I don't know. I'm just telling you what the teacher said.

DAVID

You do have to have a better answer for "If you're so good, why did they let you go?" than "The company decided on a different direction."

ANNIE

What's the book say?

(JESSICA flips through the book and finds what he's looking for.)

JESSICA

Got it. (reading from the book:) "If at all possible, choose from one of the following: My spouse was transferred--"

ANNIE

You've never been hired. How could you be transferred?

JESSICA

(reading)

"Your company sent all your office's jobs to India."

ANNIE

One phone call and they'll know that's bullshit.

JESSICA

As different from all the other bullshit. (reading)

"You were tired of the long commute."

ANNIE

Yeah, five minutes was really getting to me. Why don't I just say what every politician says when he leaves. (imitating a politician: "I'm leaving to spend more time with my family" or "I'm leaving to seek new opportunities."

JESSICA

They expect bullshit from politicians.

ANNIE

They don't expect bullshit from job seekers?

DAVID

It's different. If they're gonna hire you, they have to believe your bullshit.

ANNIE

Okay, how's this: I did well at the company for my entire 15 years. Got two promotions. Good evaluations. Then all of a sudden, I pitched a soup they didn't like and next thing I know, I'm yesterday's soup.

DAVID & JESSICA

(overlapping)

Perfect! That's great!

ANNIE

Mmm, mmm good.

SCENE 7

It's Michelle's office.

WILLIE, high again, sits opposite MICHELLE at her desk.

MICHELLE

I knew it.

WILLIE

The stupid lazy-ass warehousemen. They came in late, sat around playin' the fool.

MICHELLE

And you were the pillar of diligence, which is why they fired you and kept them.

WILLIE

It was a race thing. You know--they always gonna blame the Bla--

MICHELLE

William Robinson, those were the last words you will ever say to me. Get yo coke-freak hynie out of here. Now. And I ever see you again, I will call the police and tell them about your dealing.

WILLIE twitches toward the door.

MICHELLE

(Cont'd., muttering)

Just like I was afraid of. And on top of everything else. My God. I'd be smart to look for another job. This position at Unibrands just came across my desk. I was going to throw it out, but now...

WILLIE plods out.

MICHELLE types into her computer.

[END OF ACT]



ACT II

SCENE 1

James' office is two notches nicer than Michelle's. It's unremarkable except for a three-foot x two-foot box sitting next to his desk, over which is draped a well-ventilated yet not see-through, understated but expensive fabric. Also, on the wall is a large photo of James hugging his cute but unkempt little dog.

JAMES sits stiffly in his executive chair at his imposing desk. Two chairs sit opposite the desk.)

SISSY

(v.o. with a strong Southern accent, heard through his intercom)

Mr. Underwood, Ann Michaels is here.

JAMES

Please send her in, Sissy.

(Just as she rehearsed, ANNIE strides in, thrusts her hand out, and vigorously shakes JAMES' hand.)

JAMES

Won't you sit down, Ms. Michaels?

ANNIE

Thank you.

(ANNIE sits. As rehearsed, she makes good eye contact, leans forward, wearing a pleasant smile.)

JAMES

Well, nice of you to fly in.

ANNIE

No trouble at all.

JAMES

Good. How was your flight?

ANNIE

Well, it was delayed a few hours, but it's no big deal...(Pointing to the photo on the wall:) What an adorable dog!

JAMES

That's Chainsaw.

ANNIE

He's so, well, informal looking and you're...so put-together. Did you rescue him from the pound?

JAMES

I got him from a top breeder but...well...Okay, I'll tell you: I know you'll think I'm crazy but I like the way Chainsaw smells...so I don't give him a bath very often.

ANNIE

You give Chainsaw a bath yourself?

JAMES

My wife would rather I took him to the groomer but--well, I've come this far, I might as well go all the way--I like to get in the shower with Chainsaw...(Pulling himself back from the "excess" emotion:) Well, that's more than you want to know.

ANNIE

No, that's wonderful!

JAMES

(back to his Corporate self.)

TMI. Okay. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?

ANNIE

Ever since I saw my mother trying to be supermom: work full time, be a good mother, cook for us, I became sensitized to the need for foods that would be quick and easy to prepare. So I was delighted to work for FFS Foods and was pleased to receive two promotions during my tenure there. I'm even more excited at the prospect of applying my FFS experience to the challenges of extending Unibrand's preeminence in the dry-soup space.

JAMES

Oh, before I forget. Good news: I'm not going to make you do a presentation.

ANNIE

Oh, but I was looking forward to the opportu--

JAMES

I understand but the Diversity Committee reviewed our hiring procedure and they decided that candidates presentations are too non-standard from each other and thus subject to observer bias. The Committee reminded us that the safest approach is to ask the exact same questions of each interviewee. I do hope you understand.

ANNIE

I understand.

JAMES

Oh, while we're discussing surprises, I suspect you'll be surprised to know--and I think you'll find this a good surprise--that the other applicant who will be your partner in the brainstorming simulation will be none other than your boss, Michelle Robinson.

ANNIE

(choking)

Really. I didn't know she was applying...I guess an oppportunity at Unibrands is just too tempting--

JAMES

With FFS Foods our major competitor in the dry-soup space, we wanted to interview all FFS Foods' relevant talent. And since you've both worked together and your cover letter said how well you got along with your coworkers, I figured you'd both enjoy being paired together for the simulation.

ANNIE

Uh, yes, thank you... May I have a glass of water?

JAMES

Certainly.

(JAMES pushes a button on the intercom. There's no response.)

JAMES

Sissy must have gone to the bathroom. I'll get the water.

(JAMES walks out.

ANNIE paces, gesticulating wildly, hyperventilating.)

ANNIE

I can't fucking believe it. I killed myself to prepare that presentation!... And Michelle is my "simulation partner?" Michelle?! Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!!

(JAMES returns and hands her a bottle of Perrier. Would you care for a glass?)

ANNIE

That's all right.

ANNIE drinks from the bottle and gags--the water went down the wrong way.

JAMES

Are you sure you wouldn't like a glass, Ms. Michaels?

ANNIE

I'm fine. Really. It just went down the wrong way.

JAMES

Those things do happen. Well, ready for the next question?

ANNIE

Certainly.

JAMES

What's your greatest weakness?

ANNIE

Well, um, I tend to work too hard. I need to learn to set limits.

JAMES takes a note.

JAMES

Where have I heard that before?

ANNIE

It's the truth!

JAMES

I didn't say it wasn't.

JAMES takes a note.

JAMES

(Cont'd)

Well, why did Ms. Robinson fire you? I understand you weren't laid off. FFS Foods' human resource policy doesn't allow them to explain why, so I figured I'd ask you directly.

ANNIE

I don't know. I really don't know.

JAMES

Well, what's your best guess?

ANNIE

The company decided to go in a different direction.

JAMES takes a note.

JAMES

Can you be more specific?

ANNIE

I'm really not sure...If I can be really honest, I think part of it is that they wanted more diversity.

JAMES

I see... Well, I think that's all I need.

JAMES pushes a button on the intercom.

JAMES

Oh good, you're back, Sissy. Is Michelle Robinson here yet?... Good, send her in.

(MICHELLE strides in like the best CEO in the world. She thrusts her hand out. As JAMES shakes it...)

MICHELLE

Hi, Annie. Good to see you. And good to see you again, Mr. Underwood.

JAMES

You can call me James.

MICHELLE

Thank you, James.

JAMES

Won't you sit down?

MICHELLE

Thank you.

(MICHELLE sits next to Annie.)

JAMES

Why don't one of you--Michelle--Why don't you sit in my chair so the two of you can look at each other more easily.

(MICHELLE surreptitiously flashes a grin at Annie and enjoys settling herself into James' chair. JAMES takes Michelle's seat.)

JAMES

Okay. We want you to briefly brainstorm on this question: "We've just signed Celine Dion to endorse our new line of 30-second soups. How would you market it?"

ANNIE

Is this hypothetical or have you made a deal with Cel-

MICHELLE

Since we at FFS Foods haven't heard about it yet, I assume, at this point, it would be proprietary information. And I assume that would also be true about the line of 30-second soups. Is that right, James?

JAMES

That's true. Okay, whenever you're ready, feel free to begin.

MICHELLE

Well Annie, given the substantial investment Unibrands has made to license the Dion name, to maintain cash flow in that unit, we'll need to identify vehicles that will generate six-figure orders in a short sales cycle. Doesn't that make sense, Annie?

ANNIE

But, Michelle, we don't want to be guilty of emphasizing short-term profit at the expense of long-term growth, and--

MICHELLE

It's not a zero-sum game, Annie. The correct marketing plan will optimize the sales curve at its inflection point so it can generate the acceptable quarterly ROI at the same time as it embeds the precursors to a long-term investment that will exceed shareholder and analyst expectations over at least the intermediate term. Doesn't that make sense, Annie?

ANNIE

Yes, Michelle.

MICHELLE

Let's talk channel. What thoughts do you have, Annie?

ANNIE

Well, Celine Dion fans watch a lot of MTV and--

MICHELLE

TV has become totally cost-ineffective. We get much better cpm with a social media strategy integrating LinkedIn, FaceBook, Twitter, and YouTube. Viral video is an absolute must. Don't you agree, Annie?

JAMES

Great. Thank you.

MICHELLE

I'm sorry if I was a little strong. I'm just so enthusiastic about Unibrands--

(JAMES rises.)

JAMES

It was fine. Thank you Michelle and thank you Annie for coming in from so far away.

(JAMES thrusts his hand out equidistant from Michelle and Annie. MICHELLE quickly reaches out to shake his hand.)

MICHELLE

It's been a pleasure meeting you Mr. Underwood, I mean James. I'm more enthusiastic than ever about working for Unibrands. Is there anything that makes you hesitant to hire me?

ANNIE

Or me?

JAMES.

We'll be in touch.

(ANNIE holds her hand out. JAMES shakes it.)

JAMES

Thank you for coming in. Have a nice flight, both of you.

ANNIE

Thank you, sir.

MICHELLE

Thank you, James.

NOTE: If a small cute dog is available, including the following section. Otherwise, it can be omitted.

CHAINSAW barks.

ANNIE

Chainsaw?

JAMES removes the drape and Chainsaw from the cushy-mattress- equipped dog cage, filled with doggie toys.

JAMES

(cradling Chainsaw like a baby)

It's against company policy but...

ANNIE comes up to Chainsaw and fondles him.

MICHELLE rolls her eyes.

ANNIE

Can I hold him?

JAMES

Be very careful.

ANNIE cradles Chainsaw and gently rubs his belly.

JAMES

You're great with him!

ANNIE

Maybe I should be your pet sitter.

JAMES

I wouldn't leave him with a sitter. He comes everywhere with me. He has almost as many frequent flyer miles as I do.

MICHELLE

Not as many as I do.

JAMES

Okay...Anyway, thank you both again for coming. And Annie, thank you for being so sweet with Chainey.

(As ANNIE and MICHELLE stride out with corporate confidence, Annie, careful that James doesn't see, sticks her tongue out at Michelle.

JAMES presses a button on the intercom.)

JAMES

Sissy, is the next candidate ready?

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 2

(It's Michelle's office. MICHELLE sits at her desk, eating a large bowl of soup. ANNIE sits opposite.)

ANNIE

Okay, enough small talk. Did you get the job?

MICHELLE

No. I guess that means you didn't either.

ANNIE nods.

ANNIE

I know I'm not Black and I'm not 25 but--

MICHELLE

You came here to beg for your job back?

ANNIE

I guess.

MICHELLE

I can't.

ANNIE

Am I really such a sucky employee?

MICHELLE

No.

ANNIE

Then please. I'm scared. You're supposed to be my friend.

MICHELLE

Please don't try to trade on that. That's not fair.

ANNIE

Is it fair what you did to me in that collaborative brainstorm? "Isn't that right, Annie?" "Doesn't that make sense, Annie?"

MICHELLE

Maybe that was an example of why I had to let you go. You're just not aggressive enough.

ANNIE

What?!

MICHELLE

We're competing with Asian companies whose managers make $20,000 a year, their workers make $1 a day--and they don't threaten to sue for non-existent discrimination.

ANNIE

That's not fair!!

MICHELLE

Now that's some of the aggressiveness you need to show in your next job. I'm sure you'll find one, even if my recommendation isn't the strongest.

(ANNIE dumps the bowl of soup all over Michelle.)

ANNIE

Aggressive enough?

MICHELLE

(icy)

You are going to pay for this.

(ANNIE strides out.

MICHELLE cleans herself off, stares for a long time, then picks up the phone.)

MICHELLE

Would you get me the sales numbers for last quarter, Jamal?

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 3

(Back at the Michaels' condo, DAVID paces, looking up at the clock. It reads 2:50 PM. JESSICA looks on.)

DAVID

Ten more minutes.

JESSICA

I can't stand it. Call now.

DAVID

He said the results won't be ready until 3:00.

JESSICA

Call. The worst they can say is, "Call back."

DAVID calls.

DAVID

(into the phone)

Hello, this is David Michaels. I'm calling for the results---Yes, I'll hold. Thank you...

He paces.

DAVID

Oh my God. Thank you. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!

DAVID hugs JESSICA

DAVID

(Cont'd)

Everything's fine. No sign of cancer. It was just the clogged bag.

ANNIE bursts in drunk.

ANNIE

(laughing)

I threw soup all over Michelle!

DAVID

That's my next painting!: I'll call it Souped-Up Michelle (pointing to a prominent spot on the wall) It'll go right there!

JESSICA

Mom, you're souper! You get it? S-o-u-p--

ANNIE

Like I said: "Our little Einstein."

DAVID

Michelle went from soup to nuts!

ANNIE

(holding her sides, which hurt from laughing)

Stop!, Stop!, I'm gonna pee in my pants!!

DAVID

No problem. You're wearing a skirt!

ANNIE

Please, please! I beg of you!!

(They all take deep breaths to calm down, after which ANNIE devolves into tears.)

ANNIE

Michelle is going to sue me, FFS Foods' fucking phalanx, yes phalanx of lawyers are going to aim their big dicks right at me!!

DAVID

What? They're going to sue you for assault with a salty weapon?

ANNIE

Michelle is going to blackball me. It's a small community; everyone knows everyone. "Oh, why did Annie leave? (imitating Michelle): Well, she had a psychotic break that culminated in her throwing a bowl of hot soup in my face." Now I really never will work again. If I want a job, I'll have to move to China!

(ANNIE gets more upset. DAVID and JESSICA hug her.)

DAVID & JESSICA

It'll be okay. Really. You'll get a job, etc.

ANNIE

Now what? We've only got six months rent in savings. And after the two months of health coverage, we have to start paying for COBRA--a thousand a month. And after 18 months, if I don't get a job with benefits, we get discontinued and we'll never get health care coverage again--Pre-existing fucking condition.

(DAVID bangs his fist on the table.)

DAVID

You're not going to be unemployed for a year...You're right though: I need to take some pressure off you. I'm going to look for a straight job. My father always said, "The only constants are death and taxes, and people will do more to avoid taxes. So he taught me bookkeeping "just in case."

ANNIE

You know bookkeeping?

DAVID

I didn't want to tell you. You'd make me get a job as one.

JESSICA

I'll get a job too.

ANNIE

That's very sweet but high school graduates have a tough time getting even $10 an hour.

JESSICA

I'll figure something out. Otherwise I'll never get my credit card back.

(ANNIE smiles, then breaks down completely. DAVID hugs her and plods into their bedroom.

The phone rings. ANNIE plods to answer it.)

ANNIE

Hello...Yes it is...Stop it, David, I know it's you. Those assholes from SavetheWhales didn't even have the decency to send me a rejection let--...What?...Oh my God. I am so sorry...You didn't send the rejection letter because you were still deliberating?...You're kidding. Oh, I mean, thank you. Oh, I'm so happy...Okay, I will take a day to think about it and I'll get right back to you...Oh, might I ask what the salary will be?...(her voice sinks) I see. Yes, well do let me think about it...Good-bye.

DAVID

The salary wasn't quite what you expected?

ANNIE

David, I was making $114,000 a year. They want to pay me $2,400 a month.

JESSICA

That's just $28,000 a year!

DAVID

I told you she learned something in high school...

ANNIE

Damn them: Give all for the cause. For the honor of trying to save a few fish.

JESSICA

Mammals.

DAVID

They want you to earn less than if you were selling filet-o-fish.

ANNIE

But they offer benefits.

DAVID

How permanent is the job?

ANNIE

I'd be on probation the first six months, and you know, even after that, they can fire you whenever.

DAVID

You'll do fine.

ANNIE

If I take it, I'll have a big learning curve: Shit, I don't even know that a whale's a mammal. And I've never worked at a nonprofit--

JESSICA

You cleaned shit at the ASPCA.

ANNIE

Shut up. For $28,000 a year, I'll be working my ass off and at night, I'll be too tired to look for something better. Besides, I couldn't leave there before a year or two or I'd look like a job-hopper... I can't take the job. I can't.

(They're all crestfallen. After an extended silence:)

JESSICA

I've got it!

ANNIE & DAVID

What?

JESSICA

I can't tell you yet!

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 4

It's the condo.

(JESSICA is practicing belly dancing. ANNIE enters through the front door.)

ANNIE

Jessica! What are you doing?! Why aren't you in school?!

JESSICA

It was a Minimum Day?

(Yawning, DAVID, plods from his bedroom into the living room. He sees Jessica.)

DAVID

What you are doing?!

JESSICA

I got a job as a belly dancer!

ANNIE

A belly dancer?!

JESSICA

I'll be making $1,000 a night!

DAVID

Belly dancers don't make $1,000 a night.

ANNIE

(to David)

How do you know?...(to Jessica:) Belly dancers don't make $1,000 a night.

JESSICA

Yes they do.

ANNIE

Jessica, what else will you have to do to earn $1,000 a night?

JESSICA

More dancing.

ANNIE

What kind of more dancing?

JESSICA

Pole dancing.

DAVID

You know, like the maypole dance.

ANNIE

Jessica, you don't even get $1,000 for pole dancing.

DAVID

How do you know?

ANNIE

Jessica, are you going to be a prostitute?

JESSICA

Of course not!!

DAVID

Then what?!

JESSICA

Nothing.

DAVID & ANNIE

Tell us the truth!!

JESSICA

I just have to take my clothes off.

ANNIE

You're going to be a stripper?!! Absolutely not. You go get your clothes on right now, young lady!

JESSICA

No! We're going to lose the condo. We'll have no money for health insurance. I don't want daddy to die!

(ANNIE strides out the front door and returns wheeling in an unpainted pushcart.)

ANNIE

No one is going to die. This family is going into business together. I am going to be the president and CEO of No-Poop Soup: super-healthy, locally-sourced, delicious, all natural minestrone, chicken noodle, and clam chowder. I'll be in charge of making the soups. And Jessica, you will not be our designated stripper. You will be vice-president of sales--You'll be serving the soup to the customers.

JESSICA

If I don't have to go to college.

ANNIE

We'll see how it goes.

ANNIE

And you, David, will be my vice president of marketing communication--You'll paint the cart and design the logo, and do the bookkeeping.

DAVID

Cool...How can you make decent money from a soup cart?

ANNIE

Even the highest quality soups are mainly water and low-cost vegetables. I've cost them very carefully: It will cost us 40 cents a bowl, including the bowl, spoon and napkin plus 10 cents wholesale for some delicious sourdough--and we can charge $4.00. That's $3.50 profit per bowl! Sell just 40 a day and you net $35,000 a year, easy.

DAVID

That's not much more than you turned down at SavetheWhales.

ANNIE

That's just for one cart. Once we get the system down, we just clone it: $35,000 profit for one cart, $70,000 for 2. $140,000 for 4--

JESSICA

$260,000 for 8?

ANNIE

$280. What was that about her learning a lot in high school?

JESSICA

All I know is, we'll be rich!

ANNIE

It not as easy as that. We have to find great locations that the city will allow us to use, get great people to staff each cart and treat 'em well so they're less likely to steal us blind. There will be issues but they're solvable.

DAVID

What will you say at cocktail parties when they ask what you do for a living: "I'm a pushcart vendor?"

ANNIE

No. "I'm president and CEO of a chain of specialty restaurants with branches throughout the Bay Area."...And you, Jessica will be able to keep your clothes on.

JESSICA

(to Annie)

Do you always like to keep your clothes on, mom?... I'll do it only on one other condition.

ANNIE

What's that?

JESSICA

That you'll let me go on the road trip...with Emily.

ANNIE

I see.

JESSICA

I'm just experimenting, okay?

ANNIE

Do I have a choice?

(JESSICA hugs ANNIE. Annie returns the hug.)

JESSICA

Daddy?

DAVID hugs JESSICA.

DAVID

There is one problem. Seriously. How will we get health insurance?

ANNIE

We will.

DAVID

And if we don't?

ANNIE

Fee for service. If something is costly, we'll negotiate with the doctors and hospitals.

(ANNIE and DAVID stare at each other, then hug. JESSICA joins in.)

The doorbell rings. ANNIE answers it. It's MICHELLE, despondent. DAVID and JESSICA approach the door.

ANNIE

Michelle?!

MICHELLE

No, I'm not here to serve you papers.

ANNIE

I'd rip 'em up in your face.

MICHELLE

(breaking down)

They fired me.

ANNIE

What?

MICHELLE

They cut 1/3 of the directors. A consulting firm said we were top-heavy and the money could be better spent setting up an R&D center in China.

ANNIE

Jesus!

MICHELLE

They made me fire you and three other managers. I cut everyone's budget by 20%. Those smiling vipers said, "If you can slash costs, there'll be a great future for you here at FFS." I slashed costs and they dumped me.

ANNIE

At least you have your husband's income.

DAVID

Shut up.

ANNIE

I didn't mean it that way.

MICHELLE

No I don't.

ANNIE

What do you mean?

MICHELLE

He was fired three years ago.

ANNIE

No!...Fired, not laid off?

MICHELLE

I am sorry about that...He has, well, a problem.

ANNIE

What kind of problem?

JESSICA

Sounds like a drug problem.

MICHELLE

Very perceptive. Not only has he contributed zero income these last four years, he's blown our entire savings up his nose.

ANNIE

Is that why these last few years, you've been so, well, driving?

ANNIE

Those Aspen pictures with your family?! The Lexus?!

MICHELLE

Corporate America doesn't like a loser.

DAVID

They don't even like imperfection.

MICHELLE

Let alone a coke freak. The idiot bought the Lexus on credit and the Repo Man took it away before the new-car smell was even gone.

ANNIE

At least you have your home.

MICHELLE

Foreclosed a year ago. The kids and I are living in an apartment, smaller than this.

ANNIE

What about Willie?

MICHELLE

We divorced a year ago--the coke turned my loving Willie into a wife beater.

ANNIE

So that's what those bruises were. Skiing accident! Tripped down the stairs! How come you didn't tell me any of this?

MICHELLE

My father worked in corporate America 40 years--He said, never give 'em ammunition. Besides, I was embarrassed. I worked so hard to keep up my image.

ANNIE

Come in, Michelle. I'm sorry I poured the soup on you.

MICHELLE

If my friend fired me, even if I were a bad employee, which you were not, I'd have broken the bowl over her head...After all I did for that company. I killed myself! Climb the ladder--it's the American way!

DAVID

See why I never wanted a straight job?

MICHELLE

Hi, David. Hi, Jessica. Congratulations on graduating. I'm so sorry I spoiled it by having to let your mom go...What's the cart?

JESSICA

Should we tell Michelle about No-Poop Soup?

MICHELLE

No-Poop Soup? What's that? An antidote to FFS's shark soup?...By the way, they've green-lighted it--they just loved the profit margin. My final contribution to FFS.

ANNIE

The cart's just something David's going to paint.

JESSICA

Mom, could I see you a second?

ANNIE

Okay.

JESSICA leads ANNIE onto the porch.

JESSICA

Let's get her while she's down. We can get her cheap. She's a shark: She could be an awesome buyer, a salary negotiator, and she'd be like totally indebted to you.

ANNIE

I don't want a shark working for me.

JESSICA

That's the point! She'd be working for you! You don't like her? You can do what she did to you--fire her ass!

ANNIE giggles.

JESSICA

Good. It'll be fun to watch you boss her around!

JESSICA pulls a reluctant ANNIE back in.

ANNIE

Jessica, I don't think so.

JESSICA

You promised.

ANNIE

What!...

JESSICA

You did!

DAVID

What did you promise?

ANNIE

Michelle, I have become president and CEO of a chain of specialty restaurants with branches throughout the Bay Area.

MICHELLE

Really? For what company? Who hired you?

ANNIE

I hired me. Actually, No-Poop Soup is the name of a cart business where David, Jessica, and I will sell healthy soups. We'll start with one cart and then keep cloning it until we're making as much as we need.

JESSICA

I'm vice-president of operations and I'd like to offer you the job of chief negotiator.

ANNIE

Stop!

MICHELLE

You know, there is a job at No-Poop-Soup I'd just love but it's not chief negotiator.

DAVID

The CES position is taken.

MICHELLE

CES?

DAVID

Chief Executive Shark.

MICHELLE

I deserve that. You know the position at No-Poop-Soup I'd love?

JESSICA

What?

MICHELLE

Soup server.

ANNIE

What?

MICHELLE

I'm tired. I'm tired of being a professional asshole. If I serve good, healthy soup, I'm selling something I'm proud of, and I'm pleasing every customer. I could smile, chat a little with them, and never feel like a shark.

ANNIE

It pays $10 an hour plus profit sharing. We do well. You do well.

JESSICA

(joking, but loving her new "corporate" role)

We'll train you, put you on a sales quota, and yell at you if you don't make your number. I'm a tough vice president of operations.

MICHELLE

I can't work for $10 an hour. And how much profit sharing can there be with four people splitting the profits of one cart?

ANNIE

The first cart is just proof-of-concept. Once we've gotten that to be profitable, we can clone it indefinitely. We could have 1,000 carts.

ANNIE

Michelle, whaddya say? At least temporarily until you can find something better?

MICHELLE

I have an idea. Why don't I pitch the concept to senior management at FFS?

ANNIE

They just fired you.

MICHELLE

You don't understand how upper management works. They only care about what shows on the balance sheet. This could be an off-balance sheet investment. That keeps the stock analysts happy, which makes the stock price go up, which makes executives' stock options worth more. And if the first cart or two is profitable, then they have a sure thing and then they put it on their balance sheet, they'll put their marketing muscle behind it, and we'll all be rich.

ANNIE

That's all well and good. But right now, we need benefits.

MICHELLE

You leave that to your Chief Executive Shark. Believe me, if they see dollar signs with an off-the-balance-sheet investment, they'll order HR to find a way to get your covered under our group health plan.

JESSICA

So are you with us?

MICHELLE

(joking)

As long as we can sell shark soup.

MICHELLE hugs ANNIE. Annie hesitates and returns the hug. DAVID and JESSICA join in.

[THE END]

]]> Land the Job MartyNemko-1593 It's the Most Wonderful Time of Year...To Land a Job http://www.martynemko.com/articles/its-most-wonderful-time-year-land-job_id1592 The holidays are the time to postpone job searching, right? After all, no one’s hiring. Half the time, no one’s even there, right?

Wrong! While yes, in December, some workplaces slow down to an eggnog-soaked stagger, the holidays may be the best time to job-search. Why?

· Some workplaces have money in this year's budget that must be spent before yearend. I'm sure you'd be happy to solve their problem.

· In other workplaces, next year's budget and goals have just been approved. So hiring managers are trying to fill slots for the first of the year.

Or an employer may be more open than usual to creating a slot for you, if only on a project basis. Knock 'em dead in that temp job and you have an inside track on the next permanent position. (Alas, these days ever fewer positions are, in-fact, more than longer-term temp jobs.)

· Workplaces that offer year-end bonuses usually lose employees at yearend. Those employers interview in December so replacements are ready to start in January.

· In December, hiring decision-makers are less likely to be on business trips and in long meetings and more likely to be at their desk to receive your phone call. And if you leave a message or email, you'll more likely get a response.

· The holiday spirit makes employers more likely to grant you such job-seeker gifts as an informational interview or a receptive ear to your pitch.

· Perhaps most important, most of your fellow job seekers think the holidays are more for gift-searching than job-searching so if you're job hunting in December, you’ll have less competition than at any other time.

So okay, you realize holidays are for more than wassailing and buying presents people will return or pass on to someone else. How can you make the most of holiday job-searching. Here are my favorite tips:

¨ At holiday parties, while spreading good cheer, spread the word that your grinch of an employer had the nerve to send your job to Bangalore and that what you really want for Christmas isn't a gift card you'll probably misplace or end up using to buy some crap you don't need; it's a good job. Say it in a relaxed, not desperate or angry tone. Ahead-of-the-pack tip: Throw a holiday party with a guest list liberally laced with people who could help you land a good job. Not much of a party thrower? Invite your best-connected people to get together at a restaurant or watering hole.

¨ In your holiday letters and cards, don't be shy about mentioning that you're looking. These days, you have plenty of company. Do add to your holiday list your past employers, coworkers, customers, vendors, etc--that is, those that like you. Such people are particularly likely to shepherd you to a potential Santa Claus.

¨ If you're heading out of town for the holidays, try to schedule an informational or employment interview there. You'll be perceived as more special coming from far away and employers may view the opportunity to meet you as a one-time opportunity.

¨ Unless you really need the money or need to get out of the house to break out of your torpor, don't take a seasonal job: delivering packages, retail sales, customer service, etc. Such jobs pay poorly, few if any of hordes hired for the holidays get offered permanent decent jobs, and your spending 40 hours a week on that dead-end job robs you of the time and energy you need to land sustainable employment.

¨ Allow yourself time for pleasure--a job search is draining. So, what would it take to keep your spirits up? Ice skating? Seeing your relatives? (Be sure they're more a source of joy than of angst.) Volunteer to help the less fortunate? I'll admit that my holiday volunteer effort is pretty small: On Christmas Day, I accompany, on an electric piano, a bunch of lousy Christmas carolers as we visit the wards in a veteran's retirement home. What cause would you feel best about volunteering for?

Tip: Don't try to shop your way to contentment. That doesn't work even if you have a paycheck coming in and certainly won't work if you're unemployed. After a momentary shopper's high; you'll likely get depressed--especially when the credit card bill comes in.

¨ December is a religious time for many people. Especially when feeling reluctant to look for a job, it can be tempting to succumb to too-literally-interpreted Bible quotes such as "The Lord will provide." Genesis 22:14. It may be wiser to remember Ben Franklin's theology that "God helps those who help themselves."

]]> Land the Job MartyNemko-1592 "The Sexiest Man Alive:" a play about a couple with mismatched sex drives http://www.martynemko.com/articles/quot-sexiest-man-alivequot-play-about-couple-with-mismatched-sex-drives_id1591

Copyright ©2010

by Marty Nemko

510-655-2777, mnemko@comcast.net

Producer/Director: Sue Trigg: 510-842-3046

Running time: While page count is just 64, there is much time-consuming action, so running time, including an intermission, is two hours.

OVERVIEW: Imagine you're a fly on the wall in a honeymoon suite in which the couple has mismatched sex drives. Their efforts to address that give way to exploring all aspects of their marriage: communication, career, money, children, etc. Yet they triumph...sort of. This dramady is The Last of the Red Hot Lovers meets Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Rick: early 40s, a leading-man film star. Intelligent, kind. Tries to reconcile his Midwest, fundamentalist background with Hollywood's.

Jennifer: mid to late 30s, Rick's wife, more playful and uninhibited. From a hardscrabble background, she appreciates the material.

Luther: 80ish, Rick's father, a fundamentalist minister, alcoholic, with a bigger secret.

Darrell: Sneaky, almost clever.

Ramon: Rick's loyal bodyguard.

TIME: The present.

Playwright's Bio

Of Marty Nemko's screenplay, Affirmative Actions, the London Daily News wrote, "Sure to trigger a bidding war." It didn't. Oscar-nominated producer and director Lionel Chetwynd wrote, "Your script is terrific but needs major talent attached." None would attach. Of his screenplay, The Ugly Club, Lew Hunter, former chair of UCLA's famed screenwriting program wrote, "a $$$onderful script." It never made a dime. So Marty turned his attention to his long-time love, the theatre, where he is an addicted actor, director, and audience member. This is the first of his two completed plays. The other is Shark Soup: getting fired, hired, and giving the finger to Corporate America. His third play, in development, is The Most Hated Man in Berkeley. The Sexiest Man Alive premiers Oct. 8-Oct. 23, 2010 as a joint production of two San Francisco Bay Area Theatre Companies: Diablo Actors Ensemble and Role Players Ensemble. The Chanticleers Theatre production of Same Time Next Year that Marty directed won that theatre company's Best Production and Best Director awards. He is on the Chanticleers Board of Directors. As an actor, his most recent role (August, 2009) was as Peter, the idealistic playwright (appropriate enough) in Moss Hart's Light Up the Sky. Marty also has penned 500+ published articles and five books, including Cool Careers for Dummies, which spent four weeks at #2 on the Wall Street Journal National Business Bestseller List. He was a columnist at the San Francisco Chronicle before going national as Contributing Editor at U.S. News & World Report. He also is the host of Work with Marty Nemko on KALW-FM and the Marty Nemko Program on KGO-AM. He holds a Ph.D. in educational psychology from the University of California, Berkeley and subsequently taught in its graduate school.

ACT I

SCENE 1

It's the honeymoon suite of the Four Seasons-Hollywood Hotel, complete with fireplace (unlighted,) bouquet of red roses, a bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes. A heart-shaped box of chocolates sits between the bed pillows. A water pitcher and a corded phone sit on a table.

There's a loveseat and his-and-her bathrooms, one UR and one UL. At the top of the wall, UC, there's a skylight (or a heating vent with a wide-spaced grid) just large enough for a person to crawl through.

A path of rose petals leads from the entrance door to the bed. Spaced intermittently are three Hershey's Kisses.

(A glowing, JENNIFER, in an expensive wedding gown complete with tiara and a large diamond wedding ring is carried over the threshold by RICK, wearing a standard tuxedo.)

JENNIFER

Just like Hoboken.

RICK

It's not exactly Springfield either.

JENNIFER

We're like a Hollywood script.

RICK

They'd reject it. Too unrealistic. At an movie opening--

JENNIFER

Not just any opening. The opening of Rick Lomax's most anticipated movie--

RICK

Groupie screams,

JENNIFER

Over-age groupie screams--

RICK

Perfectly aged groupie screams, "I took a Greyhound from Jersey to Hollywood just to see you, Rick!

JENNIFER

And Rick doesn't ignore her. Rick stops. And Rick says, "How'd you like to sit next to me?"

RiCK

And here we are!

JENNIFER

Absurd, And wonderful.

(JENNIFER takes Rick's hand, leads him on the petal path toward the bed, and is about to step on the first Hershey's Kiss.)

RICK

Are you about to step on something?

(JENNIFER looks down and picks up the Hershey's Kiss, and unwraps it to read, "I."

She picks up the second Kiss and reads, "Love You."

She picks up the third Kiss and reads it, "Forever.")

JENNIFER

You are the sexiest man alive.

(JENNIFER hugs him. RICK reacts tepidly.)

RICK

Just a nominee.

JENNIFER

Until tomorrow night.

RICK

Lord, I still can't believe I was even nominated.

JENNIFER

Puhleeze. Every time they see you, uh, making love to your co-star, the women are thinking, "I can't believe that in this day and age, a big movie star wants to wait until he's married. Rick Lomax is so romantic!"

RICK

You can take a boy out of Bible Belt but you can't take the Bible Belt out of the boy.

JENNIFER

You've been so, well, gentlemanly that if your religion wasn't so strict, RickyPoo, I might have thought--

RICK

I was gay. Not even if the Bible allowed it.

JENNIFER

(stroking his arm)

You're gonna win tomorrow; I can feel it.

RICK

So, um, what did you decide to wear tomorrow?

JENNIFER

I couldn't decide. So I brought two dresses, two pair of shoes--

(JENNIFER lifts the large suitcase.)

JENNIFER

(Cont'd)

The Noah's Ark of fashion. I'll see what feels right tomorrow and choose.

RICK

Why add pressure to tomorrow, sweetie? Let's pick now.

JENNIFER

Now?

(JENNIFER strokes his arm, and when RICK responds minimally, she lovingly removes two obviously expensive evening gowns: one bawdy, one subtle.)

RICK

Hold them up, would ya?

(JENNIFER holds each against herself then lays them carefully on the bed.)

RICK

Would ya look at that?!...I like understated.

JENNIFER

Ricky-Poo, this is the Sexiest People Alive awards! If I don't wear the sexy one now then when?

RICK

You're right. Try it on, would ya?

(JENNIFER removes her wedding dress to reveal a sexy bustier and a French-maid, sexy thigh-high stockings, for example: www.buy.com/retail/product.asp?sku=207877566&listingid=21880544

DARRELL'S head pops into the skylight to take a photo of Jennifer, and pops away.

Near the top of JENNIFER'S thigh, a large tattoo is covered almost completely with makeup.)

RICK

What's that?

JENNIFER

Uh, nothing. Just a blemish I cover up.

RICK

That's an awfully big blemish. Let me see.

JENNIFER

Maybe later.

RICK

I want to see. I'm you're husband now, ya know.

(JENNIFER turns away but RICK takes her arm so she can't escape.)

RICK

It's a tattoo! Whoa, what is it?

(RICK takes a tissue from the nightstand, dips it in the water pitcher, and wipes away the makeup. It's a tattoo of a stop sign with words inside it: "The buck stops here.")

RICK

What?!

JENNIFER

I was going to tell you.

RICK

Tell me what? Why do you have that there?

JENNIFER

You get that at traffic school.

RICK

Seriously.

JENNIFER

You never told me how you got that scar.

RICK

Don't change the subject. Why does it say, "The buck stops here?"

JENNIFER

Do I really have to tell you?

RICK

Absolutely.

JENNIFER

Well... Remember, after my fourth year at college, the damn school took away all my financial aid?

(RICK nods.)

JENNIFER

(Cont'd)

My parents had nothing and slicing sausage in the campus pizza place for minimum wage wasn't going to cut it. I needed $30,000 more for that fifth year so I could get the stupid piece of paper--a lot of good it's done me. I had a friend who was a dancer and she told me I could make $1,000 a night--

RICK

You don't get $1,000 a night for dancing.

JENNIFER

I danced on a pole.

RICK

You don't get $1,000 for dancing, even on a flagpole.

JENNIFER

Trust me, you do.

RICK

(finally understanding)

Lord have mercy--You were a stripper!

(Shocked, RICK escapes to the bathroom, his angst visible to the audience.)

JENNIFER

An exotic dancer. I was an exotic dancer. I stopped the day I wrote my last check to the college, I swear.

RICK

(Plodding out of the bathroom)

What did you do after you exotic danced?

JENNIFER

Nothing, I swear.

(JENNIFER hugs RICK. He pulls away, then hugs her, looking heavenward.)

RICK

Ya know, sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here in California. Sure my family's Midwestern values are sober, okay, repressive. You betcha. But ya sure this is better?

JENNIFER

It's sure better than what I'm from.

JENNIFER hugs RICK.

RICK

You think being married will change us?

JENNIFER

I don't even know who I am to start with.

RICK

Does anyone?

JENNIFER

You're one of the world's best actors!

RICK

But is that all of who I am?

JENNIFER

Maybe being married will make us both more complete-- making love, making a home together, making children...

RICK

I hope so.

(JENNIFER hugs RICK. Rick starts unpacking. JENNIFER slowly joins in. Onto her bathroom door's hanger, she hangs two bridal nightgowns, one that could have come from Frederick's of Hollywood. She carefully places a 100-page handwritten, dog-eared script on her nightstand. He carefully places a timeworn fine black leather Bible on his nightstand. He surreptitiously drops a blue Viagra pill into his nightstand drawer. She notices his furtive behavior.)

JENNIFER

What are you doing?

RICK

Just seeing if the previous guest left any condoms in the drawer...Actually, I was checking for a Gideon Bible...Hey, let's open those presents that were left by the door.

RICK

(reading the note attached to four ribboned-together boxes)

"Open these tonight."

JENNIFER

Who's it from?

RICK

It's unsigned. Weird.

JENNIFER

What if they're not gifts?

RICK

Well, maybe someone from my movie set saw I'm playing an anti-terrorist and gave us a four-piece set of WMDs.

JENNIFER

It's probably just someone who forgot to give their present.

RICK

But four packages?

(RICK inspects the outside of the packages and finally rips open a shoebox-sized box to reveal an oversized penis-shaped candle. (for example: www.bacheloretteparties.com/giant-penis-candle.html.)

RICK

Would ya look at that?!

(JENNIFER giggles, wrests it from RICK, and lasciviously lights it. Rick forces a smile.

With a flourish, JENNIFER lights the fireplace with the candle.

DARRELL'S head pops into the skylight. He quickly takes a photo of Jennifer lighting the fireplace, and pops away.)

RICK

Ya know, it's quite realistic, except for the size.

JENNIFER

It's not that big. There is something unrealistic about it though.

RICK

What?

JENNIFER

When you light it, it gets soft.

RICK

So you can remold it...maybe even better than the original. (beat)

(JENNIFER grabs another box. This one is two feet long and four inches wide.)

RICK

I hope that's not another penis.

JENNIFER

There are worse things...You know my favorite name for penis?

RICK

What?

JENNIFER

Purple-headed yogurt slinger.

RICK

That's disgusting.

(JENNIFER rips off the wrapping to reveal a poster tube. She opens the tube to reveal "The Periodic Table of Sex Positions." www.amazon.com/Periodic-Table-Sex-24x36-POSTER/dp/B00192V1Z6/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1258690378&sr=1-5)

JENNIFER

Which one first?

RICK

Have you actually done any of those?...How about with your customers?

JENNIFER

Gimme a break!

(JENNIFER hugs him reassuringly. RICK points to the most contorted position and half-heartedly tries to move JENNIFER into it. Giggling, she tries to help but it won't work.

RICK opens the third package. It's a book: "The Big Bang: A Guide to the New Sexual Universe.")

JENNIFER

(opening the book)

What a great gift-giver! I think I'll get some notes from the director.

RICK

I suspect that if they gave Oscars for sex, you'd already have a lifetime achievement award.

(RICK takes the book and opens it to its table of contents.)

RICK

Here are chapter titles: (reading) "Heading South: the art of oral sex. Just Doing It: the ins and outs of intercourse...Running on Empty: coping with low sex drive."

(RICK closes the book.

JENNIFER grabs it and flips through it until she finds something of interest.)

JENNIFER

"Here's to frigging your rigging?" She flips to another page: "Just because you like to be tied up, spanked, and called 'bitch' doesn't mean you're a bad feminist."

RICK

Whatever happened to "Tell your partner what you like and don't like?"

(RICK opens the champagne and pours the two glasses very full.)

RICK

Even winning tomorrow would pale next to knowing we'll be together forever.

(RICK raises his glass.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

To us!

JENNIFER

(raising her glass)

To us.

(JENNIFER sips her drink. RICK downs his.)

JENNIFER

What's wrong?

RICK

The book is just a little weird, that's all.

JENNIFER

It isn't so bad...Mind if I open the last present?

(JENNIFER opens it. It's a pint-sized jar with a note attached.)

JENNIFER

(reading the note)

If you put a penny in every time you have sex your first year of marriage and after that, remove a penny every time you have sex, the jar will never empty.

RICK

Who in the Lord's name would send that?

JENNIFER

So much for great gift-giver. Oh well, ready to start filling the jar?

RICK

Let's change first.

JENNIFER

(disappointed)

Okay.

(They repair to their respective bathrooms.)

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 2

(The door to each bathroom is open so the audience can see them but RICK and JENNIFER can't see each other. Their actions occur simultaneously.

JENNIFER examines herself in the mirror. She quickly strips to her bra and panties and preens in the mirror. She holds in her gut, sighs, and preens again. She examines her crow's feet, stretches the skin in an attempt to reduce them, fixes her makeup including restoring the makeup on her thigh. She struggles to remove her contact lenses. She presses the less-sexy nightgown against herself in the mirror, then the sexier one and after some deliberation, dons the latter. She pulls down the bodice to reveal maximum cleavage. She smells her underarms, puts perfume in all the right places, and strikes sexy poses while humming "The Stripper." She fixes her makeup and stretches her crow's feet again.)

JENNIFER

(whispering to herself)

Please let him be good.

(JENNIFER sashays out.

RICK slowly strips to his shorts. At the same moment she does, he pulls in his gut and examines his body and sighs. He examines his crow's feet and stretches them in an attempt to reduce them. He struggles to remove his contact lenses. He removes dental floss from his pocket and flosses. Next, he examines the whites of his eyes, He takes his pulse while holding his wrist, his neck, then by reaching into his shorts.

JENNIFER comes out, practicing her sashay, and other sexy moves, including pole dancing on the four-poster-bed's pole.

DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Jennifer pole dancing, and pops away.

Meanwhile, RICK, still in the bathroom, does deep knee bends, then gets on his knees and prays:)

RICK

(whispering)

Please, sweet Jesus, let me do it. You can do it. You can do it. Come on Rick, you can do it. God helps those who helps themselves.

(RICK reaches into his shorts and massages himself.)

JENNIFER

What are you doing in there, building the pyramids?


(RICK swaggers out like the leading man he is.)


 RICK

Hey, baby.

(JENNIFER slithers to RICK and presses herself against him, licking his neck.

JENNIFER

Just like on the cruise: We were the only people left on the dance floor.

RICK

Hey, let's dance.

JENNIFER

Now?

(RICK plugs his iPhone into the iPod dock on the nightstand. With his lenses out, he struggles to read the screen. He selects "Car Wash.")

JENNIFER

What?!

(RICK giggles. JENNIFER grabs the iPhone and, after struggling to read the screen, switches it to Cyndi Lauper's version of "Time After Time." She starts dirty dancing with him. She gets turned-on, he less-so.)

RICK

Ya ever notice that on the dance floor, women look like they're having an orgasm, men like they're having a rectal exam?

JENNIFER

Except for men who realize dancing is public foreplay.

(RICK kisses JENNIFER and she responds but he's being mechanical while she quickly gets passionate, then raucously so.

DARRELL'S head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of them at their moment of maximum disparity, and pops away.)

JENNIFER

What's wrong?


RICK

Let's turn out the light, huh?


(JENNIFER turns the light out. The room is now lighted only by the penis candle. RICK starts kissing her again but only she is really getting turned on.)

JENNIFER

What's wrong?

RICK

Nothing.

JENNIFER

Something's wrong.

RICK

Well, sweetie,...ya know, when you move, I feel a little intimidated.

(JENNIFER turns the music off.)

JENNIFER

What?!

RICK

Maybe it's the stress about tomorrow.

JENNIFER

You waited 'til age 43 to lose your virginity, you say you chose me because I'm the hottest woman you ever met, and now when I move, you're intimidated? RickyPoo, I don't understand.


RICK

I guess I just need a little more patience. I am the son of a--

JENNIFER

I know, I know. You're the son of a fundamentalist minister and a damn controlling one. But "The two shall become one flesh!"

RICK

Mark 10:8...My father means well. He loves me, us, very much.

JENNIFER

Your father hates me. Behind that Christian nicey-nicey talk, he wishes I'd go to hell.

RICK

...I read that lots of couples are too tired to do it the first night--and they're not up for Sexiest Man Alive tomorrow.

JENNIFER

(her foot nervously wiggling, unseen by Rick)

I don't really care if we don't do it for five nights, ten nights. To me, you are the sexiest man alive. Really. And I really hope you win.

RICK

Could you love me if we had a bad sex life?

(JENNIFER'S foot wiggles.)

JENNIFER

We are not going to have a bad sex life. Give yourself a break: You grew up with a Bible-thumping father, in a Bible-thumping school, in the Bible-thumping Midwest.

RICK

Plenty Christians thump like bunnies, for heaven's sake. I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of failing--If I fail at SuperMario, I just press reset.

JENNIFER

Does that fear-of-failure stuff come from your therapist?

RICK

My therapist thinks it's because I lost my brother to testicular cancer.


JENNIFER

He died of testicular cancer?...I just married a guy who waited 'til his wedding night and even now won't have sex--And because his brother died five years ago?


RICK

Are you sure you'd be so hot to trot if your sister died of cancer of the clitoris?

JENNIFER

This makes no sense except to shrinks. I've seen three different ones, each one a (mocking) "shrink's shrink." No more. You gain insight into yourself but your life's no better. They're mainly good at making up excuses for me so I can feel good, relieved of personal responsibility, and keep me writing checks every week to Dr. Freudenstein. Therapy--That's the part of Hollywood you pick up?!...What about Viagra?


RICK

That won't help.

JENNIFER

Why not?

RICK

It doesn't boost sex drive. It just lets you take care of a woman.

JENNIFER

I don't think it just does that.

RICK

That's what it does. And it feels wrong to have to take a powerful drug all the time just so I can perform. You won't even take birth control pills.

JENNIFER

That's different.

RICK

Is it? (beat) Jennifer, Viagra improves circulation. So if it works, it means my problem is poor circulation.

JENNIFER

Is that such a big deal?

RICK

I heard two different doctors say that everything comes down to circulation: heart disease, diabetes, Alzheimer's, maybe even cancer.


JENNIFER

(hugging Rick)

At age 43, you don't have poor circulation. You don't smoke. You keep bragging your BMI is 23. You eat like a Dr. Oz groupie. You exercise like you're trying out for the Olympics. Your parents could still pull a plow....I'm calling my pharmacist friend at the all-night drugstore and have them deliver it. What do you want: Viagra? Cialis? What's the other one?

RICK

Levitra.

JENNIFER

You'll see; it'll help.

(JENNIFER, squinting because her lenses are out, struggles to read the numbers on the corded phone, RICK tries to pull it from her and inadvertently pulls the cord from the wall. She grabs her iPhone, presses one button and stops.)

JENNIFER

Rick, is this worth it?

RICK

For the love of Pete, don't quit before we start.

JENNIFER

It's beginning to feel...

(JENNIFER's foot wiggles.)

RICK

It's not hopeless. I am able to, well, ya know, stir myself up.

JENNIFER

That's something. If you can solo, you should be able to duet....Tell me the truth: Did you marry me because that's what good Christians do? Or to protect your career as "Hollywood's #1 leading man?" Your agent and publicist were thrilled when we got engaged--a neat way to kill those rumors you're gay.

RICK

I love you, Jennifer.

JENNIFER

Like you love Drooper?...Oh my God, why did you name your dog Drooper?

RICK drinks.

RICK

I love your mind, I love your body, and I do love that you're the most uninhibited person I ever met. You can cure me--

JENNIFER

Rick, I am not a sex surrogate...They warn you, "The marriage starts; the sex stops." Will we ever even start?

RICK

Please don't. This is our wedding day.

JENNIFER

Should tomorrow be our annulment day?

[END OF SCeNE]

SCENE 3

(JENNIFER twirls her bridal tiara.)

RICK

(reading from a folded-up Redbook article)

Okay: "The Should You Be Married Test. Directions: On each item, rate your marriage's compatibility: A, B, C, D, or F. Then compare your answers and discuss."

NOTE: A copy of the "Should You Be Married Test?" could be included in the show program and/or on a lobby wall.

JENNIFER

I cannot believe we're doing this on our wedding night.

(JENNIFER flips the tiara onto her bed pillow.)

RICK

Whoa, they really get right to it.

JENNIFER

"The physical relationship," right?

RICK

They're not that subtle: "Sex."

JENNIFER

Let's come back to that one.

RICK

Yah, sure. Item 2: mutual respect. So, think whether we really respect each other. If so, give us an A. If not, lower. Okay, ready?

JENNIFER

(grudgingly)

A.

RICK

Why?

JENNIFER

Well, you're a great actor but you don't have an actor's ego.

RICK

Being a Christian has its benefits.

JENNIFER

You're smart and you're honest...Tell me about me.

RICK

Well, you're smart and you're honest (beat,) you've immersed yourself in writing that play for two years, and now you've started directing plays. Great.

JENNIFER

Please continue.

RICK

You manage to look terrific all the time. I remember stopping in unexpectedly one morning and you could have gone on stage. And they could perform surgery on your kitchen floor--your place always looks like the maid just left.

JENNIFER

She probably did. I don't want to live like my parents do.

RICK

A, definitely.

(JENNIFER removes a piece of lint on RICK'S shirt.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

Next item: "Enjoying each other's company, not including sex." Ready?

(JENNIFER nods.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

I'd give us an A.

JENNIFER

Why?

RICK

Gosh, I get a good feeling every time I see you. We don't run out of things to say to each other.

(RICK takes JENNIFER'S hand. She melts a bit more.)

JENNIFER

You make me laugh but I don't make you laugh much.

RICK

I guess I'm not a laugher. It's weird though. When we're out walking or hiking, I smile more.

JENNIFER

Of course--You're enjoying the outdoors.

RICK

It's not just that.

JENNIFER

(a little mockingly)

You're at one with God's handiwork.

RICK

I think it's also that exercise boosts oxygenation to the brain, which boosts your mood.

JENNIFER

Puhleeze.

RICK

How would you rate our out-of-bed life?

JENNIFER

I guess a B.

RICK

Why not A?

JENNIFER

Well, there's the Mount Kilimanjaro of dishes that's always in your sink--

RICK

(joking)

Well from now on, you'll take care of that. Women's work. Let's see. I like the toilets cleaned every six hours--

JENNIFER

(talking into her iPhone without having dialed:)

Hello operator. Please get me 1-800-Annulment.

RICK

(singing in falsetto)

I am woman, hear me roar.

(JENNIFER throws a pillow at him. That triggers a fun pillow fight. Unnoticed, the tiara falls through the gap between the bed and the headboard.

DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Jennifer hitting Rick over the head with a pillow, and pops away.)

RICK

(cont'd, speaking)

Seriously, why else would you rate our out-of-bed-life not excellent?

JENNIFER

Well, when I tell you about a problem, I don't want you to fix me. I just want to be heard.

RICK

Gosh, if there's a solution, why wouldn't you want to hear it?

JENNIFER

Sometimes I just want to get it off my chest. If I want help, I'll ask.

RICK

You rarely do.

JENNIFER

Shouldn't that make you happy? Men complain women are high-maintenance.

RICK

You need to read Men for Dummies: Guys need to feel needed.

JENNIFER

Is it possible guys need to show off?

RICK
 Lord, that makes me feel as loved as a library book: Use me and shove me back on the shelf.

JENNIFER

No one wants a libraryful of unasked-for advice.

RICK

A lot of times, ya don't even know you need my help. (demonstrating the following with his fingers:) Like if you had a black widow spider crawling up the back of your blouse and it was approaching your neck, would you want me to think, "Oh well, Jennifer hasn't asked me to solve her problem so I'll let the black widow bite her...

(RICK love-bites JENNIFER's neck. She reacts sensuously.)

RICK
(Cont'd)

...sending her into convulsions followed by death?

JENNIFER

Let's say it was a rattlesnake--and a cobra?

RICK

I'd tie them together with my bare hands.

(JENNIFER melts enough to give him the opening to change the topic.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

Okay. Next one's money. If you think we have very compatible values around money, give us an A. If not--

JENNIFER

I got it...I think we deserve an A.

RICK

Why?

JENNIFER

Well, we haven't fought about money once.

(Rick drinks.)

JENNIFER

What would you rate us?

RICK

I'm not sure.

JENNIFER

Why?

JENNIFER places her hands over the part of her thigh where her tattoo is.

RICK

Well, for example, it kinda bothers me that you usually order expensive wine with dinner even though you admit you can't really taste the difference from Two-Buck Chuck, certainly not enough to justify buying Vin La Frou Frou, Pouilly Fuisse, Private Reserve, 2002 from Napa's Stag's Leap appellation with (sticking his nose into the champagne glass) top notes of berry, midnotes of leather, and a lingering finish of hoo-hah.

JENNIFER

I'm trying to cultivate a taste for the finer things.

RICK

(lifting her nightgown's fabric)

Any more cultivated, you could grow crops.

JENNIFER

Am I not entitled to--

RICK

On my credit card, you buy dresses that could clothe Calcutta.

JENNIFER

You're worth $80 million!

RICK

That's not the point. For instance, my car runs fine. Why should I get rid of it? If for no other reason, it's bad for the environment.

JENNIFER

Do you really give a compost about the environment? And your not buying a car won't affect global warming one millionth of a degree. The whole planet has only gone up less than one degree since 1880! Do you have to keep everything until it reaches antique status? Don't you like nice new things?

RICK

Not really. When I see someone driving a fancy car like a Mercedes, you know what I feel?

JENNIFER

Poor.

RICK

I feel sorry for him. You can buy three Toyotas for the price of a Mercedes and Consumer Reports says Mercedes' break down three times as much. Only an insecure person buys a statusmobile--who feels more worthy because his car has a funny hood ornament. Sizzle, not steak. Emperor, no clothes. Big hat, no cattle. He goes into deep debt doo-doo for a 50-cent ornament. I feel sorry for him.

JENNIFER

Deep debt doo-doo?...I don't want to live like my parents. And I get a rush whenever I buy something, plus it feels good every time I use nice things. And Rick, don't you care at all about your image? You don't want people to think you're a cheapskate. You're Hollywood's leading man, worth $80 million, and you're driving a car they couldn't sell in Tijuana.

RICK

Jeez Louise: I want to be loved for me, not my Schwab statement.

RICK drinks. JENNIFER does too.

JENNIFER

I love you, Rick. I really do...Do you really think I'm a gold digger?

RICK

When a guy has a lot of money, he worries that a woman--especially a woman with no money--sees him as a meal ticket. Is that so crazy?

JENNIFER

Not so crazy but with all the patience I've--

RICK

Is your patience worth millions of dollars?... It bothered me that you cared a lot about the size of the diamond ring: (Imitating her) "Could we see something a little larger, maybe five carats give or take, VS1 clarity, D color?" The stone itself cost a quarter of a million dollars!"

JENNIFER

You could afford hundreds of those!

RICK

What if I told you it bothers me that you've picked a career that pays you less per hour than you could have made at McDonalds?

JENNIFER

If you told me that, I'd tell you you're a jerk--You're worth $80 million and you'd rather I dump the career I love and have me sell extended warranties or something so I can prove I love you? If you were poor, I'd pay for everything.

RICK

But if I were poor, would you have married me? (beat)

JENNIFER

This is the Scottish in you.

RICK

Is this the Jew in you?

JENNIFER

Very interesting, Richard.

RICK

The next item is spirituality.

JENNIFER

Are you sure we're ready to go on to the next item?

RICK

I'm very sure. If you think you and your partner's spiritual beliefs are compatible, give it an A. Okay, what do you think?

(JENNIFER grabs the quiz, crumples it, stomps to the candle and just before she sets it aflame, RICK catches her arm and hugs her.)

RICK

Some couples go through their entire life repressing the issues they really should deal with.

(RICK hugs JENNIFER. She weakens.)

JENNIFER

C.

RICK

I agree. If we didn't get married in a church today, I don't think you'd ever set foot in a place of worship.

JENNIFER

You don't have to go to synagogue to be religious. My community is my synagogue.

RICK

Do you even believe in God?

JENNIFER

Are you sure you do?

RICK

When I look at nature, at the symmetry of it all, that our human bodies work!, doesn't it make you think there must be a God?

JENNIFER

Couldn't it just mean there's a scientific explanation we don't understand yet? Like they used to think maggots got into rotting meat in a sealed jar by magic. Until they invented the microscope, they couldn't see the maggot eggs. Maybe it's that way with nature: We just haven't invented a powerful enough microscope.

RICK

But isn't is safer to believe? If you don't and you're wrong, you could burn in hell for eternity. Seems like cheap insurance. No?

JENNIFER

Would you buy insurance from someone you didn't trust?

RICK

Why can't you trust God?

JENNIFER

How can I trust a God who allows billions of people--including infants, including your brother--to die of cancer or some other horrible disease, screaming in agony for weeks because even morphine won't kill the pain?

RICK

It's true--it hardly cut his pain...But I choose to accept the mystery of evil in exchange for knowing the source of good.

JENNIFER

It's also hard to believe in a God who gave me a husband who could deprive me of a sex life.

(RICK drinks.)

RICK

Maybe this is as good a time as any to get back to sex.

JENNIFER

(lasciviously)

Fine.

RICK

I mean the item on the test.

JENNIFER

I got it...I'm hungry. Let's order in a pizza.

RICK

Now?

JENNIFER

No. Three weeks from Tuesday, 10:47 PM.

RICK

For the love of Pete--za, how can you eat now?...You won't be one of those women who gets skinny for the wedding and then, once she's trapped her man, becomes as big as a zip code?

JENNIFER

I trapped you?

RICK

I didn't mean you.

JENNIFER

Yes you did.

RICK
Well, ya know, you were the one pushing us to get married.

JENNIFER

Annulment is sounding better by the minute...

RICK

(looking at the quiz)

Why don't we do children first, then sex?

JENNIFER

Last I checked, it works the other way around.

RICK

Stop. Okay. How would you grade the compatibility of our views on kids?

JENNIFER

(grudgingly)

A.

RICK

Praise the Lord. Why?

JENNIFER

Well, you don’t believe in corporal punishment, do you?

RICK

Not as a rule.

JENNIFER

What would be an exception?

RICK

Well, if you told him ten times to clean his room and his underwear was still all over the floor--

JENNIFER

Sounds like your place. Would spanking you help?

RICK

Who knows?

(JENNIFER moves her arm in the position to spank RICK. DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, takes a picture, and pops away.)

RICK

Still thinking you want two kids?

JENNIFER

Minimum. I was an only child.

RICK

You know, raising kids isn't as easy as people make you think.

JENNIFER

You said you were okay with two. Once, you even said you wanted two.

RICK

For goodness sakes, can't a person have second thoughts?

JENNIFER

Not about something as important as this. Not after we're married!

RICK

You sound like a redneck: “I stick to mah guns and ah am darn proud a that.”

(JENNIFER escapes to the bathroom and hyperventilates.)

JENNIFER

I give us an F on kids.

RICK

And I guess we get an F on the only item left.

JENNIFER

Let me guess.

(JENNIFER plods out of the bathroom.)

JENNIFER

(Cont'd)

You knew I'm not exactly asexual. Why did you pick me? Plenty women would love a guy who doesn't bang at her door every night.

RICK

Don’t women today expect performance on-demand?

JENNIFER

Is it too much to ask for some interest on our wedding night? When we were dating, I saw that you were, well, not a big responder, but I figured that was just your religion talking and I could change you.

RICK

What about "You can refine but not remold?"

(RICK tries to restore the bent-over, melting candle to its former upright glory, failing of course.

JENNIFER bawdily splays herself over him. He grimaces.

DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Rick's reaction to her, and pops away.)

JENNIFER

Do I really have to repress myself? Remember when I said I don't know who I am? One thing I know: My sexuality is so core to me...Is this some sort of macho thing--you need to be the boss?

RICK

Not consciously...I feel terrible, Jennifer.

JENNIFER

Maybe you should. When you agreed to marry me, that’s different than agreeing to be my pal. We’re supposed to take care of each others’ sexual needs, for the rest of our lives. Sex is important. I love it. It's maybe the thing I do best. If you have no interest, what am I supposed to do: become a nun? Have affairs?

RICK

...I might be relieved if you did...You know my biggest fear about your having an affair? Not the sex. That you'd fall in love with him and leave me.

JENNIFER

Have you ever been turned on by a woman?

RICK

There was a woman.

JENNIFER

You’re 43 years old. Just one?

RICK

Yeah.

JENNIFER

Well, what happened with her?

RICK

We fooled around a little, that’s all.

JENNIFER

Rick, are you gay?

RICK

Ya know, I almost wish I were. At least I’d be turned on by somebody. Besides, today, being gay gets you brownie points.

JENNIFER

Maybe you should try it?

RICK

Headline: Nominee for Sexiest Man Alive does men...Dresses in skirts...Has sex change operation...Do you really think I might be gay? I'm not. I really think I'm not.

JENNIFER

Well, you can perform acapella and you're not gay; that's a start. So what are we going to do? In your whole life, you were only attracted to one woman, just “fooled around a little,” and now, on your wedding night to the woman you say turns you on the most, instead of busting to end your 43-year virginity, you want to take a marriage quiz from Redbook?!

(RICK drinks.)

RICK

I'm not a virgin.

JENNIFER

What?

RICK

Times about 15.

JENNIFER

What?! With that woman?

RICK

About a dozen.

JENNIFER

That’s basically a dozen one-night stands! You weren’t looking for Ms. Right, you were looking for Ms. Right Now, Ms. Right for Tonight!

RICK

I kept searching for a woman I wouldn’t lose interest in after the first time or two but each woman turned me on less and less and now, with you, I seem to have no--

JENNIFER

You had low sex drive to start with and now you dump your dead self on me?!

RICK

I'm not just a penis!

(They drink.)

JENNIFER

When you didn’t show interest in me, I found a man who did.

RICK

When did you stop?

JENNIFER

Two nights ago.

RICK

I knew.

JENNIFER

How?!

RICK

One night, you left your email open. When you went to the bathroom, I scanned the subject lines in your sent file: “I can smell you, still." ”Rick will be late. Come over now, please!” “My rose is waiting to unfurl for you!”

JENNIFER

When you constantly ignore me, you expect me, at my peak, to act like a dried-up, old crone?!

RICK

I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!

(The door unlocks. LUTHER storms in, very drunk.)

LUTHER

You bitch!

JENNIFER

You're eavesdropping on us?!!

RICK

How did you get a key?!

LUTHER

You think a clerk will say no when I tell her I’m Pastor Luther Lomax, Rick Lomax's father, and that I need to deliver one more wedding present? And that security guard is an idiot--I just said "I'm delivering a present" and he said, "Okay."

JENNIFER

What a hypocrite: You're supposed to be a man of the cloth, a model of Christian love, and on my wedding night, you lie your way up here to eavesdrop and to curse me, blame me?! Who are you to talk? You preached, “Fornicate and you’ll burn in hell!" and made my husband a castrati!

RICK

I am not a castrati!

LUTHER

I may have preached that on the pulpit--that’s what the Church makes us do--but, for the love of Pete, I never preached that to my children. Richard's problem was beyond what I could fix.

JENNIFER

Fix? What give you the right to--

LUTHER

Here's what gives me the right...I had the same problem.

RICK

You did?!

LUTHER

Richard, you think your mother left me because of the booze?

RICK

No?

LUTHER

Your mother left me because I never wanted to be with her. I’d rather prepare a sermon, watch a game, play with the dog. I drank more and more until she left. Then I had a few relationships, even one with a parishioner. Two actually--there was that boy.

RICK & JENNIFER

What?!!

LUTHER

Then it was platonic mistresses. Then I stopped even that. It all just wasn't worth the bother. Do you know what it's like to know you'll never have sex again for the rest of your life? I can't even comfort myself by saying, "Well, I had a good sex life when I was young." I never had one. (to Rick:) And I always knew you inherited my problem.

RICK

What?!

LUTHER

Because I always had the problem, I was curious, real curious to see if you would. So starting around when you were 13, I checked your sheets--

RICK

No!

LUTHER

(Cont'd)

You almost never had a wet dream. When you went into the bathroom, especially at night, I'd put my ear to the door and you almost never bopped off.

RICK & JENNIFER

(overlapping)

How dare you! You sonofabitch!, You scum!, etc.

LUTHER

You didn't go on many dates and when you brought your girlfriends over, I could tell there wasn't much juice there. Not enough to even think about emptying the ol' penny jar.

RICK

You gave us that?!

LUTHER

The jar, the pecker candle, the sex book, and that very educational poster.

JENNIFER

Why?!

LUTHER

For your own good.

JENNIFER

What do you mean?!

LUTHER

I picked out the items that would make Richard as uncomfortable as possible so you'd need to deal with his problem right away. Then I'd eavesdrop and come in the middle of your fight and beg you to annul the marriage like you should.

RICK

If you wanted to help us, why not before we got married?

LUTHER

For the love of God, I did try. I kept trying!! Each time, you made it clear you didn't want to hear it. Isn't that right, Richard? Isn't it?!

RICK

I guess.

LUTHER

My last hope was that you'd figure out it wouldn't work. But when I saw you get married today, seeing it final, the Lord told me I had to do something more.

JENNIFER

On our wedding night?!

LUTHER

It had to be. My oh-so romantic son didn't have you sign one of those--what do you call them--prenuptial agreements, so unless the marriage gets annulled and fast, this law kicks in--I think they call it communion property or something--and you'd get millions of dollars, half the money my son has worked so hard for, so long for. Millions of dollars, for goodness sakes!

JENNIFER

So you've ruined our wedding night, our marriage, for money?! You monster!!

(LUTHER takes a slug of champagne.)

RICK

Father, I am not preordained to recapitulate your life.

LUTHER

Big words but you’re wrong.

JENNIFER

I should leave.

LUTHER

I think that’s wise.

(RICK paces)

RICK

...So do I. Before you do, Jennifer, can I be completely honest with you?

JENNIFER

No!!

(JENNIFER fires her belongings into her suitcase and heads for the door. RICK blocks the door.)

RICK

I want you to think about this every time you think of we men as just sex machines:--

JENNIFER

I don’t need a man to be my sex machine. I have a vibrator: three, and two are pretty much worn out.

(LUTHER takes another slug.)

RICK

Do you not understand that millions of men are taking Viagra--getting the headache from hell--just so they can service their woman?!

(LUTHER takes another slug.)

JENNIFER

And do you know how many men use women as a sperm receptacle, as a basketball hoop expected to be ever-ready whenever they feel like shooting?

(LUTHER takes another slug.)

RICK

And do you know how many men simmer in anger, just below the boiling point, as they give the best hours of their days and the best years of their lives as wage slaves on whatever job it takes to support their family: from sewer replacer to roofer, pest remover to widget salesman complete with fire-breathing boss screaming, “Make your number or you’re gone!” while wifey insists on some la-la low-pay or no-pay so-called job like writing plays part-time, or decides she’d rather be a play-at-home housewife forcing the husband she claims to love to be a beast of burden until he drops? And he does drop--there are four widows for every widower. Four widows for every widower! I don’t need a woman who sees me as an ATM machine.

JENNIFER

You're not a pest remover! You've gotten $80 million for playing make-believe!

RICK

And you're getting to play director of make-believe, which you couldn't if I weren't your ATM. What does it feel like to be a parasite?

JENNIFER

I don't need your money. I made $2,000 a night--

RICK

You were a prostitute!

JENNIFER

And what would be wrong with that? Prostitution is more honorable than how most men make their money. Look at the security guard, CEOs, your Jim Bakker/Ted Haggard father--

(LUTHER finishes the bottle.)

JENNIFER

Look at you, preacher's boy: You married me just so people wouldn't think that Mr. Romantic Lead is Mr. Asexual!

RICK

No!!! If you can't get me to become a human vibrator, you'll use my guilt to control me?: To make me buy you crap no one needs: a silly, ostentatious house; silly, ostentatious clothes, and silly, ostentatious jewelry so you can look like, live like all the other Hollywood Barbies?--

JENNIFER

You'd have me looking like a pauper--

RICK

You'll use my guilt to make me have kids--18 years of raising children whether I want them or not. Or you'll divorce me, and after you've milked my guilt for all it's worth to extort millions out of me, you'll find some shark lawyer to rip even more out of me. And after you're set up for life, you'll dance off and find a guy, or 20 guys, to fuck your brains out!

JENNIFER

I had to rent my body to graduate from college. Is there anything wrong now with wanting someone to make my life just a little easier, to give me a normal sex life, and children, just like normal people?

(JENNIFER paces.)

JENNIFER

(Cont'd, (waving two tickets in his face)

Tomorrow night, if you win, I am going to announce that the "Sexiest Men Alive" is a eunuch."

(RICK and LUTHER shrink. DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Jennifer waving the tickets in Rick's face, and pops away.

JENNIFER uses the candle to set RICK'S Bible aflame. He dumps half the water pitcher on her crotch. Meanwhile, LUTHER dips the Bible into the pitcher, tosses the dripping Bible under the bed, grabs her script, sets it aflame, hands it to her, and plods out.)

NOTE: Beautiful leatherette-bound Bibles can be bought for just $3.50 each, including shipping: http://biblesbythecase.com/0310941334.html

JENNIFER

No!!

(RICK extinguishes the burning Bible with the water. He holds it out to JENNIFER. She holds her end of it and they look at each other.

JENNIFER hugs RICK, then pulls away.

JENNIFER curls up in fetal position on the bed, facing her edge of the bed.

RICK comes to bed to hug her but she pushes him away.

RICK retrieves a stuffed basset hound from his suitcase, (example: www.amazon.com/Aurora-Plush-Scruff-Honey-Flopsie/dp/B000E7S48E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1261343962&sr=1-1), climbs into bed, and curls into fetal position, facing the opposite side of the bed, hugging it.

DARRELL's head pops into the skylight, he takes a photo of Jennifer and Rick in that position, and pops away.)

[END OF ACT]

ACT II

SCENE 1

(JENNIFER, RICK, AND LUTHER are in the audience at the Awards ceremony. NOTE: This can be accomplished without a set change:UL, they sit in seats, ideally theatre-style seats. Rick wears a tuxedo, Jennifer wears the sexier of the two dresses and shoes--the look is a bit much. Luther wears a drab suit. A podium is DC.

RICK sneers at JENNIFER'S dress.)

RICK

(droll)

You look remarkable.

LUTHER

You look lovely, Jennifer.

JENNIFER leaps to leave.

CommerCIAL ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

(the commercial's jingle plays underneath and fades as the speech ends.)

American Express: Make life rewarding.

(the applause of a very large audience.)

ROXY [V.O.], (proud of how very gay he is)

Welcome back to People Magazine’s Sexiest People Alive Awards,

(Roxy's voice stops JENNIFER and she slumps back into her seat.)

ROXY (V.O.)

(Cont'd)

brought to you by Rolex—-official watch of the Sexiest People Alive show.

JENNIFER

(to Rick, whispering loudly, like she wants to be overheard)

Think a Rolex would help you?

RICK

(whispering to Luther)

Why does an award ceremony need an official watch?

ROXY (V.O.)

By Calvin Klein: Who knows what she or he has underneath?

JENNIFER

(whispering too loudly)

A limp dick.

ROXY (V.O.)

And by Hummer, the car for big guys. Yum, yum.

JENNIFER

(whispering too loudly)

Sure you don't want to try Roxy?

ROXY (V.O.)

And now, for our final award of the evening: Who is the Sexiest Man Alive?

(Timpani roll)

ROXY (V.O.)

(Cont'd)

The nominees are: Darnell Hunt (modest applause) Julio Gonssssales (modest applause), Vince Ferrari (modest applause, and Rick Lomax (raucous applause.) This envelope has been blessed by the Lord High Accountants of Price Waterhouse Coopers, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. Why we need a la-de-dah accounting firm to see there's a name in the envelope, I don’t know—I would have done it for free, well maybe for a kiss from Mr. Price--or Mr. Waterhouse. Okay, this year's Sexiest Man Alive is...Rick Lomax! Rick The Stick Lomax! People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive!

(Rick sits aghast.)

ROXY (V.O.)

(Cont'd)

Hey Rick Lomax! It's you! Come on down! Whoops, wrong show. Hey Rick, you just got married yesterday--Why isn't gay marriage legal in all 50 states?-- Oops, I'm not supposed to be too political. Rick, why don’t you bring your lovely bride here with you!

(JENNIFER strides toward the podium. RICK hesitates, then trudges there.)

ROXY (V.O.)

What a get-up, I mean ensemble! Oh that fabric, ooh that line. And oh what fragrance--Sooooh potent!

(JENNIFER stands beside RICK, close to the microphone, resolute.)

RICK

(into the podium microphone)

I really don’t know what to say.

(RICK looks down at his feet. JENNIFER grabs the award from his hands and clears her throat, readying to speak. Through the following speech up to the words "sex drive," she makes moves suggesting she's about to interrupt him.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

I really don’t... I guess, okay, well...

(RICK pulls note cards from his pocket.)

RICK

(Cont'd, reading from the note cards)

First, I want to thank the woman who has inspired me, who has made this possible, the glow of my existence, the woman I vowed just yesterday to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of my life, my wife and my vote for sexiest woman alive: Jennif--

(RICK bursts into tears and tears up his note cards. JENNIFER glares threateningly at Rick. She reaches for the microphone and Rick blocks her path.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

...When I said I don’t know what to say, I mean it...Last night was my wedding night and it, well, it confirmed what I have long feared. You know, there aren’t a lot of sex taboos any more. I mean, you can say you’re gay or lesbian, you can be into S&M; no one bats an eye. Make a movie celebrating transsexuals--you've got a hit: M Butterfly, The Crying Game, The Bird Cage, Transamerica... But there is one sex taboo, one sex thing you can't talk about. I need to talk about it. And just maybe this is the best time to do it, I don't know. Jennifer and I have discussed it and I know she...expects it will be discussed.

(JENNIFER smirks.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

I do know I need to tell you that your choice for “Sexiest Man Alive"—I mean, you couldn’t know this but--

(The orchestra plays "It's-time-to-finish-your-speech" music. He holds his hand up to the orchestra and it eventually stops.)

RICK

(Cont'd)

...your choice for Sexiest Man Alive, actually has…low sex drive.(the audience murmurs. Jennifer bows her head.)… I don’t know if it was my religious upbringing, or that I lost my brother to cancer—-it was testicular cancer--or just that I'm an old-fashioned guy and today women expect to be, well, on top, I mean they have the right to a fulfilling sex life. Or maybe I just have physically low sex drive, like some people are tall, others are short. Maybe it’s a combination. Or maybe it's a rare disease. Most guys talk about how much sex they’re getting, or if they’re not, how badly they want it. I never heard a guy say, “I don't care about sex.” I don't know how unusual I am. I do know I cannot accept this award.

(RICK takes the award from JENNIFER, lays it on the podium, and starts off the stage.

LUTHER stands.)

LUTHER

I also have low sex drive.

A MIDDLE-AGED MALE VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE (V.O)

I have low sex drive.

AN OLD MALE VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE (V.O)

Me too.

A 20-YEAR-OLD MALE VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE (V.O)

Me too.

(There is a slow but increasing rate of voices of all ages saying “Me too” until dozens have said it. One person starts clapping and the applause builds until most of the audience is applauding.

JENNIFER pushes herself in front of the microphone.)

JENNIFER

I need to say something. I need to say that I am sad-- actually I'm angry--and scared--about having to deal with this...But when I see Rick willing give up the Sexiest Man Alive award, willing to ruin his career, I mean, no one will cast him as a leading man—-Everyone in the audience would think, “Romantic lead? He doesn't care about sex!” When I think that I married a man of that integrity, and talent, and kindness...and if I make myself grow up and remember that love is much more than just about lust, who knows? I may just be the luckiest woman alive.

(JENNIFER embraces RICK, and he embraces her powerfully, whereupon the audience applauds, building to an ovation. The orchestra plays "You Light Up My Life" as "get-off-the-stage" music,” whereupon she, arm around his waist, shepherds him back to their seats. LUTHER hugs RICK, then JENNIFER. She hesitates but returns the hug.)

[END OF SCENE]

SCENE 2

(DARRELL climbs through the skylight and takes photos of the sexual positions chart, the sex book, and the penis candle. He hears the sound of RICK, JENNIFER, and LUTHER approaching. Darrell hides under the bed.

RICK carries JENNIFER over the threshold. LUTHER follows.)

LUTHER

This is very Christian of you.

RICK

I am your child.

LUTHER

Where's that Bible? I forgot what I did with it after I baptized it.

(LUTHER looks around but can't find it.)

LUTHER

(Cont'd)

Oh well, I don't need it. Okay, stand before me.

JENNIFER

Let me find my tiara.

(JENNIFER searches but doesn't find it. She joins RICK before LUTHER, as a to-be-married couple stand before a minister.)

LUTHER

Do you Richard Lomax, in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, take Jennifer Samuels to be your lawfully wedded wife, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, and despite the frustrations that exist in all marriages, so help you God?

RICK

I do.

LUTHER

And do you, Jennifer Samuels, in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ--

JENNIFER

Is that fair?

LUTHER

...And do you, Jennifer Samuels...take my son, Richard Lomax, my only living son, who adds so much meaning, no, who is the meaning of my life, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer and poorer..., in sickness and in health, and despite the frustrations that exist in all marriages, so help you God?

JENNIFER

I do.

LUTHER

Then, by the powers vested in me by the State of California, the Southern Baptist Convention, and People magazine, I now pronounce you, once again, man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

(RICK kisses JENNIFER and he pulls her down onto the bed.)

RICK

And you may now leave, oh representative of People magazine.

(LUTHER reaches down to take RICK'S and then JENNIFER's hand.)

LUTHER

I will try to do better.

(LUTHER trudges toward the door. Just before reaching it, he turns around.)

LUTHER

I really would like to find that Bible. It's important to me that you have it.

(They search high and low and finally look under the bed and find it and DARRELL, in a security guard uniform, holding his camera.)

RICK

What the hell?

LUTHER

Heck.

RICK AND JENNIFER

Hell!

LUTHER

Hell.

DARRELL

Uh, I’m actually a, uh, reporter for the National Enquirer. We tried to get a story about your wedding but, uh, your agent wouldn’t let me talk to you so---

(From behind, LUTHER grabs the camera and dunks it in the water pitcher.)

LUTHER

I’ve never performed a wedding, baptism, and condemnation in three minutes. Canon camera, you are hereby baptized...and condemned to hell for eternity!

(LUTHER throws the dripping camera into the fireplace.)

DARRELL

This was my big chance!

(RICK, JENNIFER, AND LUTHER throw Darrell out the door. As he's leaving:)

DARRELL

I just love your outfit, Jennifer. Especially the shoes.

JENNIFER

Hey, wait a minute. I know you.

Darrell

No you don't.

JENNIFER

Yes, I do. I know that face...You sonofabitch! You were a customer. You were that guy who kept taking pictures of me while I was dancing!

DARRELL

...You're so sexy.

(LUTHER, wide-eyed, exchanges a look with JENNIFER.)

DARRELL

(Cont'd)

Please don't call the police! I swear I'll never bother you again. I'll lose my job. I'll never work again. My wife will leave me. I won't be able to support my kids!

RICK

You should have thought about that in the first place. You expect me to save your marriage after you...You cannot go around taking pictures of people like that!

LUTHER

Is there room for a little Christian charity here?

JENNIFER

(to Darrell)

Do you swear I'll never see your face again?

DARRELL

I swear!

RICK

And no more candid camera?

DARRELL

No more. Never, I swear!

(JENNIFER rolls her eyes and smiles in assent. DARRELL approaches her, about to hug her in thanks but in pushing him away, Jennifer is startled.

JENNIFER

(pointing to Darrell's chest.)

Hey, what do you have in there?

(JENNIFER pulls a pocket cassette recorder from DARRELL'S pocket. She presses "play" and they hear a recording of things said earlier:

RICK

I'm gay. (sound of an editing click)

RICK

You were a stripper!

JENNIFER

An exotic dancer. (sound of an editing click)

RICK

"Our Father created woman to be man's helper. It is my desire and delight that you follow this scriptural teaching." (sound of an editing click)

RICK

I suspect that if they gave Oscars for sex, you'd already have a lifetime achievement award. (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

It's beginning to feel--

RICK

It's not hopeless. I am able to, well, stir myself up. (sound of an editing click)

RICK

I like the toilets cleaned every six hours. (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

It's the Scottish in you.

RICK

Is it the Jew in you? (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

If you have no interest, what am I supposed to do: become a nun? Have affairs?

RICK

I might be relieved if you did. (sound of an editing click)

RICK

Headline: Nominee for Sexiest Man Alive does men...Dresses in skirts...Has sex change operation. (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

Instead of busting to end your 43-year virginity, you want to take a Redbook marriage quiz?! (sound of an editing click)

LUTHER

Starting around when you were 13, I checked your sheets--you almost never had a wet dream. When you went into the bathroom, especially at night, I'd put my ear to the door and you almost never bopped off. You didn't go on many dates and when you brought your girlfriends over, I could tell there wasn't much juice there. (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

I don't need your money. I made $2,000 a night.

RICK

You were a prostitute!

JENNIFER

And what would be wrong with that? (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

You married me so people wouldn't think that Mr. Hollywood Idol is Mr. Asexual! (sound of an editing click)

JENNIFER

Tomorrow night, if you win, I am going to announce that the "Sexiest Men Alive" is a eunuch!" (sound of an editing click)

(RICK punches DARRELL. Darrell screams bloody murder, in excess of the blow's damage.

JENNIFER glares at the recorder.)

JENNIFER

Technology!

(There's a loud knock on the door.)

RAMON

Mr. Lomax, what is going on in there?

RICK

It's Ramon! (to Luther): My regular security guard.

(RICK opens the door to find RAMON in his underwear.)

RICK

What the hell?

RAMON

(seeing Darrell)

That's the guy who drugged my coffee and stole my uniform!

RICK

He's a peeping Tom, a paparazzo! He took pictures and recordings of us here!

(RICK shows the soaked camera and recorder.

RAMON inspects the camera.)

RAMON

It still works.

(RAMON clicks the camera's Review button.)

RAMON

Dios, mio!

(RAMON keeps clicking.

RICK and JENNIFER grab the camera and gape at the pictures. LUTHER joins in.)

Rick, JENNIFER, LUTHER

(overlapping)

You pig, asshole, my Lord, Whoa, Jesus, etc.

JENNIFER

Hey, you were going to blackmail us!

(DARRELL bows his head.

RAMON handcuffs DARRELL.)

RAMON

Security guards are allowed to make a citizen's arrest. So sir, you're about to visit the police station.

RICK

Ramon, you might want to get your uniform back on first.

(RAMON strips DARRELL to his underwear and dons his uniform.

JENNIFER takes $100 from Rick's wallet and holds it out to RAMON.)

RAMON

Mr. Lomax?

(RICK smiles and nods. RAMON takes the tip and pulls DARRELL to the door.)

RICK & JENNIFER

Buh-bye.

Just before DARRELL and RAMON leave, DARRELL stops.

DARRELL

I am on one endless beige conveyer belt: Get up at 5:30, 10,000 steps on the treadmill, eat my oatmeal, fight traffic driving to the train station. Fight for a parking spot. Get sardined on the train. Get to my cubicle. Spend the next eight, sometimes ten hours staring at numbers so I can help some rich person screw the government, or business partner, or divorcing spouse. Get back on the train, back in the traffic. Ask my wife how her day was. Tell her how my day was. Eat my low-carb, low-calorie, low-taste dinner. Watch TV--unless I have to give whatever non-existent energy I have left staring at more numbers. Climb into bed and look at my wife for the ten-thousandth time, go to sleep, and repeat. And repeat--forever. Forever beige. Jennifer, watching you was, I dunno,...a shower of purple pixie dust that covered my beige life for a little while, so I could make myself go back to beige. Otherwise I might...Never mind. Jennifer, I know I'm bad. I'm very sorry.

(DARRELL trudges out. RAMON follows.

LUTHER closes the door.)

LUTHER

Richard, you're not a homosexual, are you?

RICK

Father, he took that out of context, I swear.

LUTHER

I believe you, son...Jennifer, there seems to be a whole lot I don't know about you.

JENNIFER

I didn't know quite a few things about you, Father Party- with-the-Parishioners.

LUTHER

Maybe we should all get to know each other, for real.

Might I ask for some of that Christian charity you were about to give that accountant?

(RICK hugs LUTHER. Luther reaches out to JENNIFER. She hesitates but finally hugs him.

LUTHER exits wistfully.

RICK reaches into his nightstand and surreptitiously removes the small blue pill. She doesn't see the pill.)

JENNIFER

What are you doing?

RICK

Nothing. Just have to go to the bathroom.

(RICK goes into the bathroom where he fills a glass with water, brings the pill to his mouth but can’t make himself take it. He tries again but again can’t muster the courage. He leaves the bathroom, pulls a Swiss Army knife from his suitcase and returns to the bathroom. He cuts the pill in half, puts half the pill in one hand, the glass of water in the other. He brings the half pill to his mouth and throws it in and immediately gulps down the water. He returns to bed to join JENNIFER under the covers.)

RICK

I’m curious: If I hadn’t told them about my low sex drive, would you have?

JENNIFER

Would you have told them if I hadn’t threatened to do it for you?

RICK

I’m not sure.

JENNIFER

I’m not sure.

(RICK kisses JENNIFER and she responds but restrains herself from being raucous. He responds more amorously than before.

Jennifer reaches down.)

JENNIFER

(quietly)

Well, what do we have here?

RICK

Quick, before I lose it!

[END OF SCENE}

SCENE 3

(RICK and JENNIFER are still under the covers and in the final stage of making love. She’s making pre-orgasm noises, trying to restrain herself; he is quiet. She has a 15-second noisy orgasm. Right after, he has an almost-quiet three-second one.

She giggles and they sit up, both of them smiling broadly. She wears the not-bawdy nightgown. He’s in his Night to Remember tee shirt.)

JENNIFER

(quietly, not lasciviously)

Well, that was quick improvement. If I want sex, all I need to do is praise you in front of a thousand of your colleagues and a few million on TV.

RICK

We said some pretty hurtful things.

JENNIFER

And dishonest ones.

RICK

I don't think I lied about any--

JENNIFER

I mean me. I was never a prostitute. I just said that to hurt you after you hurt me. A customer did once offer me $2,000 to go with him but I said no. After that, I tattooed my thigh with "the buck stops here" as a reminder to them and to me that, no matter how much I needed the money, I never wanted to cross that line.

RICK

You know, I might not love you any less if you did.

(JENNIFER hugs RICK intensely.)

RICK

People magazine should write our story.

JENNIFER

The story isn't over yet.

(JENNIFER gently kisses RICK...He is startled.)

JENNIFER

What’s wrong?

RICK

...I took a half a Viagra...and it worked.

JENNIFER

So that’s why it worked. Huh.

RICK

So I do have poor circulation.

(JENNIFER embraces RICK.)

RICK

I dunno. The Serenity Prayer tells you to accept what you can’t change. And doctors say you can’t really do much about poor circulation. But it’s not so easy to just think, “Oh well, so I die younger. I’ll just do what the gurus say and live in the moment, let the river run." But you're right. The therapists are wrong (mocking tone): "If you repress it; the fear will come out some other way." The more therapy I have, the more my fears, rational or not, hypochondriacal or not, are top-of-mind, and they'll torture me. I am going to stop therapy once and for all, and every time some unexplained pain scares me, I'll just force myself to say "stop"," and turn to something positive.

JENNIFER

Rick, you only needed a half. I hear many men need a whole, some even two...

RICK

You seem to uhh hear a lot.

JENNIFER

Hey, and maybe it worked just because I was less raunchy, maybe less intimidating.

RICK

May-be.

JENNIFER

And I hear there's a new approach to impotence they're developing in Israel that actually cures it. They use shockwaves to stimulate the growth of new blood vessels in the--

RICK

Maybe this is a good time to score the test.

(RICK brings the test to bed.)

RICK

Okay, what do you want to give our sex life?

JENNIFER

Most improved.

RICK

I’ll give it a "C" for now. Okay?

She nods.

RICK

(Cont'd)

All right, if I average everything together, including the kid thing---

JENNIFER

The kid thing is an F minus minus.

RICK

...How about if we have one and then reassess?

JENNIFER

...Then it's a--I’m in a grade-inflation mood--C...minus.

RICK

Passing grade; good enough. Okay. I’ll give it C-minus too. Now I’ll average them all up: in-bed, out-of-bed, respect, money, children, spirituality. Hmm: It looks like we both give the marriage about a B minus.

JENNIFER

Is that good enough?

(They look into each other’s eyes...and JENNIFER hugs RICK. He returns the hug.)

THE END

NOTE: At the end of the curtain call, the audience is invited to remain for a conversation with the actor(s,) director, and/or playwright.

]]> Men's Issues MartyNemko-1591 A Shortcut to Your Dream Job http://www.martynemko.com/articles/shortcut-your-dream-job_id1590 After considerable exploration, one of my clients, “Adam Michaels,” discovered his dream job: marketing executive for a prestigious video-game company. That would be a pretty lofty goal for anyone in any market but it’s especially challenging amid America’s “jobless recovery.” And, oh, Adam also has two teeny impediments: He's never had a job in marketing, and he hasn’t taken even one course in the field.

Yet I’m optimistic that Adam can land a launchpad job toward a career as a video-game marketing executive. Why? Is he a self-employed genius who has demonstrated how to turn a product such as a Pet Rock into a zillion seller? No, he's never marketed anything, including himself. Is he a BA/MBA from Harvard? No, he’s an undergraduate at a second-tier public university.

Adam is likely to succeed by writing a white paper, the business-world equivalent of a short term paper. And that is how you, too, can pursue the job of your dreams. Writing a white paper can be invaluable in launching a career in a wide range of fields, from management to manufacturing, fundraising to grant-making, solar sales to building jails.

Here’s what I told Adam to do: Research and write a paper and call it Ten Video Games Whose Sales Exceeded Expectations...And How Yours Can, Too. The idea is to try to get the paper published. But even if it’s not accepted for publication, Adam can mail this sample of his expertise to every marketing director he’d like to work for.

How can a white paper beat a marketing degree? Well, a person quickly reaches a point of diminishing returns on time spent learning about a field. So rather than taking courses taught by professors who are heavy on arcane theories and light on real-world applications, I recommend finding a good marketing textbook (pick one by reading reviews on Amazon.com) and skimming the intro .

In pursuit of his dream, Adam will take the following five steps:

Step #1. Identify ten recent video games that sold well despite lackluster reviews and the lack of an industry powerhouse, such as Electronic Arts, behind them. Adam told me that video-game sales figures are free at www.vgchartz.com, and consensus reviews are on Metacritic.com. Indeed, for most fields, an enormous amount of information is just a Google search away.

Step #2. Use Google to learn what the games’ publishers did to market them. All Adam needs to do is enter the game’s name, using Google’s Web tab, news tab and perhaps the blog and group tabs. Repeat the process using the game’s name and the word marketing—for example, “Aliens in the Attic” marketing .

Adam will supplement this information by interviewing each game’s director of marketing. And because he’s writing about their success, it’s likely they'll talk to him.

Step #3. Distill what he’s learned about each game's marketing effort into a half-page story. Add a brief introduction plus a conclusion that lists the techniques most often used in marketing the ten games and -- voila -- he’s created an article that video-game marketing executives will crave to read.

Step #4. Submit the article to the leading publications read by video-game executives with this tagline: “Adam Michaels is a college senior who aspires to a career as a video-game marketing executive. He can be reached at [insert e-mail address and phone number].”

-Step #5. Send the article -- either via a link to the published version on an industry magazine’s site or, if it’s still unpublished, as a Word document labeled “white paper” -- to each of the profiled executives along with a cover letter explaining that he’s looking for a career-launching job in video-game marketing.

If that doesn’t yield a job, he’ll submit the cover letter and white paper as a sample of his work to the director of marketing of every video-game company at which he’d like to work.

There are no guarantees. But I’m betting that if Adam executes this plan even moderately well, he will at least land an internship at a good video-game company -- despite his lack of experience, an Ivy League diploma or courses in marketing. That’s more than a lot of marketing-degree holders from prestigious colleges get.

Note to all job seekers: White papers aren’t just for newbies to a field. They can also help people with relevant job experience to stand out from other applicants for a job.

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